Bringing It All Together 26: What Does Change Look Like?

Knowing that my role is to walk alongside and that CHANGE is not my job, I can then honestly ask what change looks like and be the best ambassador of change I can be.

Does that sound contradictory?

The ambassador who is RESPONSIBLE for change lives in constant pressure and growing fear, especially when considering the WEIGHT of others' brokenness.

But the ambassador who is an ADVOCATE of change can focus on creating an environment ripe of change while leaving the results in God's hands.

That being said, change might look like...

...an honest looking at the wound. Remember the post about a human commitment to avoid pain? Growth starts when you begin honestly dealing with the pain that is there.

...living in a present tense reality. People are often either stuck with the pain of the past or ignoring the pain of the past by putting all their emphasis on the future. When you are living honestly, you see how the past impacts the present, but you can live in the NOW with a good longing for what is not yet.

...living in freedom over a period of time. It is a long process for a person to realize the ways they have been bound... the ways that they cope with life in an effort to avoid pain. Once a person SEES this, they can begin to make forays into different choices in the direction of freedom. Yet it is not MAKING an initial change that is most difficult, but MAINTAINING that change that shows increasing freedom. Sound discouraging? Baby steps DO count.

Here's an example:
Allison grew up in a home where her father was emotionally abusive and her mother lived in fear of her dad's wrath. He has mellowed over the years, but Allison has lived her life like a little mouse making tiny forays into the kitchen looking for crumbs but expecting to be pounced on by the house cat. Allison married Pete because he is so different from her dad-- He is gentle and affirming-- but also lives in a great deal of fear. When Pete and Allison go to her family's home for Christmas, they avoid all controversial discussion. Though largely unaware, Allison is HIGHLY anxious and can't wait to leave. One subject that has always been a source of conflict is politics. Allison's dad has VERY strong and blasting opinions about a certain political party, but Allison sees things differently. She would NEVER tell her dad what she really thinks... All the while, her mom never defends Allison either. She sits in submissive silence.

What might change look like for Allison?

Over time, Allison realizes how her whole life is gripped by fear and intimidation of strong people and conflict avoidance. She begins to grieve these stories from her past, where her vulnerable soul an own sense of individual personhood was buried under a think layer of commitment to keep others happy. She slowly becomes more and more in touch with her own thoughts and feelings. She can share these with Pete and other friends who encourage her emerging sense of self. Allison is a Christian and loves Jesus, but she has always feared His wrath and doubted her own salvation, wondering if she has really believed in the 'right' way. She strives to memorize Bible verses about FEAR, but it doesn't work. What is she doing wrong? Slowly Allison sees the parallel here with her own dad-- God seems an awful lot like her dad. She soaks her little-girl heart in passages about His deep love for her... she ponders what this might mean... she pours her heart out to the Lord despite her fears... she begins to believe that He wants her heart more than her good behavior... and the thick layers slowly begin to peel off.

Still, Allison's brain has been wired for a long time with intense stress reactions. She has a hard time falling asleep, experiences frequent migraine headaches, TMJ from a continually clinched jaw, and has recurring nightmares. Allison begins to learn how her body and her mind and her soul are a connected whole, and she begins to learn how exercise, a healthy diet, and relaxation exercises are an important part of rewiring her anxious brain.

For awhile, Allison creates space from her dad, so that her soul can breathe in a healthy place. But eventually, she wants to move toward him, even to forgive him. And yet, there is a lot of grieving to do. In this process, she does some thinking about her dad's family. She beings to see how her dad was just as deeply impacted by his family and she was by hers. She sees how her mom's lack of protection of her stems from her own fear that is as deeply rooted as Allison's. Along with the fear of her dad begins to grow a tiny seed of compassion.

Then comes a test: She and Pete go home the next year for Thanksgiving. She doesn't entirely avoid her dad. She actually wants to understand more about him. She asks him some questions about his parents. He is highly resistant and doesn't want to go there. She is sad about that, and she reacts in fear, but she can now see clearly that her dad's resistance doesn't have anything to do with her. She is becoming more secure in herself. Still, she realizes now that being in her childhood home is a source of great anxiety for her. Pete and Allison decide to cut their 6 day trip down to 4 days. They know that her parents will not understand that, but they also let go of the responsibility they feel to explain that, and do what it takes to care well for their own hearts so that they can love her parents well.

Over time, Allison notices that she is more OK with herself. Angry people don't terrify her with quite the same degree of fear, and when she feels that fear, she knows where it comes from. Her friends notice an emerging sense of expression. She says more and more what she thinks and desires. Some people who liked the fearful, 'whatever you want from me' part of her move onto other people-pleasing relationships, and Allison knows that this isn't her fault.

Allison is also growing in freedom in her relationship with the Lord. She trusts that His love for her is more real that the fear she feels, and she is beginning to reach out to other women who struggle in this same way. When she is gripped by fear (this still happens sometimes), she is aware, and she brings this to the Lord rather than desperately trying to get rid of it. She knows in a deep way that He is there in her struggle.

Allison's marriage is also beginning to change. Initially it doesn't look better, but worse. They have both been deeply committed to keep the peace, and with growing awareness comes more conflict. They thought they were so 'compatible', but now they see and begin to grieve how much of themselves they have not shared with the other. There is a long journey ahead towards being emotionally naked... let alone unashamed. The story is still being written.

Allison is on a long, beautiful, lifetime journey of change.