Yesterday we went to one extreme in breaking the marriage relationship--an affair. Yet there is a way to kill a marriage relationship while staying together and appearing very close.
Enmeshment is a term that refers to this phenomenon. The word literally means to be entangled, or caught as if in a mesh. This happens when couples (or families) attempt to achieve closeness at the expense of nurturing individuality. The goal of this couple is togetherness, defined by sameness and no conflict. They agree about everything, they share honest feelings about nothing. They hold the other at such a close distance that the other can be controlled and yet unknown. The neediness for the other's acceptance feels sticky. This might be a spouse who can't stand to disappoint her husband. Or a husband who can't stand to disagree with his wife. Unstated anxiety rules the family's reactions, and the unwritten rule says "peace at all costs."
Consider a simple, seemingly benign conversation between Jason and Amanda.
Jason: "Where do you want to eat tonight, honey?" (Jason is hoping she'll say Indian.)
Amanda: "Wherever YOU want to go... Didn't you want to try out that Mexican place? Or wherever is fine." (Amanda wants to try out the Mexican place but she isn't aware of that. If you asked her if that's what SHE wants, she'd deny that she prefers Mexican.)
Jason: "OK... Well, ok, wherever you want to go..." (Now that Amanda suggested Mexican... well, after all, he should give her what she wants. It's not a big deal. I had Indian last week, he thinks.)
Amanda: "Ok, I'm happy to try whatever you want; Let's do Mexican since that's what you like."
Jason: "Yeah, sure...Well, we can leave whenever you want. "(Jason is hungry and wants to go. He's hoping she'll say she's ready.)
Can you see how the "you" in these dialogues is confused? How each doesn't know how to ask for what they want, and they do so by putting it on the other? How Amanda is seeking CONTROL in a subtle way? How Jason blindly enables this by not owning his own opinion? How both of them are unaware, and/or afraid to simply state their desires? This is an enmeshed conversation.
If I hold you really close, I don't have to deal with my fears of conflict or intimacy. Differences are threatening. The deeper emotions of the heart are a source of great fear. So it would just be a lot easier if we all stuffed our feelings, we always agree, and stayed happy with each other. This person/couple/family is likely sitting on a mountain made of:
-deep unawareness (I don't know my own heart.)
-anger (unacknowledged rage over lack of being pursued and known, accepted)
-unforgiveness (if you are 'never offended' then there is nothing to forgive)
-shame (I'm not worthy to be known.)
Deep, deep waters.
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1 comment:
This is something I am trying to teach my children...their own fear of me saying "No" to them. Often they will say something like "I love to swim and wish we could go.". Rather than saying "can we go swimming today, Mommy?". They don't state their own desires, but try to manipulate me into asking them if they want to go swimming. It seems small, but as in your example, we are forming patterns for the way kids will act in their future relationships.
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