Yesterday I wrote about adult attachment, which is a term for a God-given human desire to connect deeply with others. Today I’m suggesting that a broken attachment is a key element of what fuels relational conflict.
When there is conflict in relationships, we often think that there is a breakdown in understanding. That if both sides could really understand the intentions of the other, then there would be no problem. But if you think in terms of attachment, the problem is often not a lack of intellectual understanding between people. It’s that you are talking on two different planes.
Consider this scenario:
Judy come to her husband Alex and says, “That really hurt my feelings.” And Alex proceeds to explain to Judy why she misunderstood him…. “Well, honey, I said that because…” or “What I really meant is…” Can you see how these two are talking at two different levels? She is sharing about her heart, and he is addressing her head. Alex thinks that if Judy just understood why he said what he did, then she won’t feel hurt. Their conversation lasts two sentences and they quickly retreat into their own thoughts.
Alex walks away thinking “I’m so glad we cleared that up.”
Judy walks away thinking “He didn’t hear me at all. That’s the same thing that happened last time. And the time before…” Bitterness, hopelessness, and indifference grow slowly over time. Judy stops talking to Alex. They settle into their mundane, everyday, disconnected lives.
You see, in order for Alex and Judy to be connected, they need to deal with the HURT. The point is not what Alex did or didn’t do. Judy still feels hurt and longs for Alex to connect with her pain. But because Alex doesn’t see what’s in his black box, he doesn’t know how to emotionally connect with her. Because of Alex’s story, it scares the bejeezus out of him to think about emotional pain. It is buried WAY deep in his black box. So what does Alex do? He means well. He really does. But he only knows how to look for something to DO.
By the way, this is not a knock on Alex, or men in general. Women can be just as clueless, even if more “emotional,” and just as committed to staying as FAR the (!!bleep!!) away from their black box as men are. (So tomorrow, I’ll turn the tables.)
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