Bringing It All Together 21: The Role of the Counselor A

The Role of the Counselor: The Counselor is a broken person too... so what do you do with that?

OK, I'm making a shift... from the stuff a counselor sees "out there" to the stuff going on "in here." The counselor is a human being too-- full of created goodness and depravity, just like anyone else. And just like anyone else, they have things that make them anxious and make them want to run away. So how does the counselor sit and help others, while dealing with their own internal mess?

Here's my theory which I haven't experienced to a great degree in the counseling room but seems true in all of LIFE--

Your ability to listen well and respond non-anxiously to another person has everything to do with how well you know and are OK being yourself.

There's a fancy term for the effect that a client has on a counselor-- it's called transference.

Here's an example: Say that Sally (the counselor) is meeting with Angie and Bob (the clients) for marriage counseling. Angie is ticked off and accusatory. Bob is withdrawn and non-responsive. Transference happens when Sally begins siding emotionally with Angie, because deep down Bob's lack of response reminds her of her own dad's inability to respond to her emotional needs. Or, it happens when Sally begins to feel that Sally is really the one to blame, because Angie reminds Sally of her mom's flagrant anger. If Sally is going to truly HELP Bob and Angie, she is going to have to deal with her own anger in a way that she can develop rapport with BOTH of them and not unconsciously blame Bob OR Sally for what she did not receive.

Here's another example: Say that Sally is meeting with Mary who wants to process the impact of the physical abuse she experienced as a child which is affecting intimacy in her marriage. As Mary is relating parts of her traumatic experience, Sally becomes OVERWHELMED with anxiety as Mary's story is uncomfortably similar to an experience Sally had with a old college boyfriend. In this example, Sally is going to be limited in her ability to help Mary to the degree that she has processed (dealt honestly with, grieved) her own story of abuse.

Counselors are not superhuman, but have 'hot button' issues in their hearts that cause anxiety and fear. Being a good counselor (officially to a client, or unofficially to a friend!) doesn't mean that you are always calm and never ruffled. Rather, it's MAKING SENSE of your own anxieties that will enable you to recognize, own, but not RESPOND out of that fear when someone else needs your non-anxious presence. The fear is still there, but it doesn't get to WIN. And when your own anxiety and fear doesn't win, then you can really be present for another person.