Bringing It All Together 18: Toward a Healthy Marriage-- Differentiation

Someone may think about attachment and enmeshment, and ask-- what's the difference? Good question! They may seem similar at first glance. Both models desire closeness. But enmeshment fosters an unhealthy closeness that is achieved through the squashing (hiding or suppression of the individual.)

A healthy attachment involves "differentiation," which you might call a healthy sense of individual personhood. Differentiation is about being connected in a way that you don't lose yourself in the process. Another way of talking about differentiation is to say it is about driving down the line in the human person box. (See this post.)

It is about being aware of anxiety, fear, and pain, but not letting them win. It is about learning to ask and see what is going on inside of your black box. It is a growing ability to recognize what is going on in you, and to be curious and ask questions about it. It is about slowing down the reaction time between the fearful event and your response.

An unaware conversation with myself:
"Wow, what a jerk my husband is! Doesn't he know how insensitive he's being, just walking out of the room like that without saying anything? Tonight, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"

A more aware conversation with myself:
"Wow! When Jim walked out of the room, I got super anxious! I wonder why that is. He seemed frustrated, and that really undoes me. But my anxiety seems higher than this situation warrants. This doesn't seem all about Jim. In fact, I know that he was frustrated about "x" and it has very little to do with me. So what's going on in me that I feel responsible for that? I think there's something in me that feels like when he is upset, it's hard for ME to be OK with myself. Tonight, I want to share with him how that made me feel and ask if he has any other thoughts about what was going on."

Do you see why marriage can't thrive without a growing sense of individuality? If you don't know yourself, you can't give yourself to another. And if you don't know yourself, you don't know how to pursue another person either.