Bringing It All Together 23: The Role of the Counselor

Role of the Counselor C: What Does Loving Confrontation Look Like?

In large measure, I would like to pose this question to SOMEONE ELSE, because this is not my bent!

Here is an example of two types of confrontation... you tell me which one would be more effective!!

Joe has come to you because he is engaged to Carrie, but he has been secretly having sex with his old girlfriend, Deann. He doesn't know if he and Carrie are compatible. He wants to break it off with Deann, but he's not sure what to do.

Response A:

"Joe, the clearest thing I see going on here is that your relationship with Deann is wrong. It is God's clear design that sex be reserved for the marriage relationship only. Starting your marriage relationship with sexual sin would be a really bad idea."

Response B:

"Joe, I'm really concerned for you. Because in my experience, people who are wrestling with such a big decision while emotionally attached to someone else are really confused. They don't know what's going on inside, or who they really are. And here you are in this position, making a huge life decision from a position of utter confusion."

Response A is concerned primarily about Joe's BEHAVIOR. You are laying down the law, and all that Joe knows is that you disagree. How SAFE does Joe feel with you to begin exploring the deeper things of the heart?

Response B invites Joe to explore his heart. It does not confuse behavior with the bigger issues at hand. It lets Joe know that you see more than what appears to be true on the outside. You are not condoning his behavior, but you are inviting him to dig with you into the deeper motivations that are driving his behavior. If you do not accept Joe as a person, they will not walk along with you on a journey towards better relationship with God and others.

Loving confrontation corrects and connects at the same time!