Bringing It All Together 11: The Stuff Below the Line (but wait, there's more!)

Black Box Special #4: ANGER

(For an explanation of the black box, see the "Human Person Box" post below.

Anger is often the presenting emotion when there is ungrieved pain. Why? Because the experience of anger often shuts off the feeling of pain.

Think for a moment about how you respond when someone is angry with you. Usually one of two ways—you fight back (counter-attack) or you run away (remove yourself, or just emotionally check out.)

Though usually unaware, another’s anger can shield from the pain or fear of a deeper conversation. If am I angry with you and you run away from me, well that’s your fault. And if I am angry with you and you lash out at me… again, your fault.

I’m not saying there isn’t a legitimate, good anger. We often hear the analogy of Jesus overturning the moneychanger’s tables. We can be righteously angry when there is injustice against the oppressed or lack of regard for the needs of others. But often, our anger points to something else. The person who you are angry with touched something inside you. There is another emotion, and often another story, attached to your anger. There’s a lot more there to investigate.

Once DZ said that anger is the beginning of the forgiveness process. Before you own why you are angry and how angry you are, you cannot begin forgiving an offense. You might confess and quote verses all the day long, but if you haven’t come to grips with your anger, your forgiveness will be shallow and likely short-lived. But again, anger is the BEGINNING of the process of forgiveness. There is a LOT MORE down there (in the black box) than just anger. Keep digging to see what’s under it and you will usually find pain or shame.

It can be a big mistake to emphasize forgiveness first when listening to someone process an offense. (And usually an emphasis on forgiveness results from a fear of anger.) Forgiveness and reconciliation IS the ultimate goal. But before a person allows themselves to name their anger, they don’t know what their losses are. Before an offense is named, there is nothing to forgive.

Not every person needs the same encouragement, however. There are people who get so good at being angry that they are stuck there. This person probably hasn’t really dug under the anger enough to see what is underneath. And there are people who feel ashamed of their anger, and need to be shown the good and righteous elements of naming wrong.

In both examples, a good counselor is sometimes an ambassador of anger. Not as an end, but unto an honest, fully owned look at pain and the impact it has had.