Bringing It All Together 9: Stuff Below the Line (there's more)

What is the opposite of living out "wounded living?"

In the last post I said that humans often operate with a commitment to avoid pain. So if we are not living with a commitment to avoid pain, what might that look like? Well, I can say it DOESN'T look like living with no pain. But it means that you have named the pain and grieved it enough so that it doesn't drive you. It means that the pain doesn't win.

So, say for one person, their driving wound is loneliness. They cannot be alone, and they make destructive relational choices out of this paradigm. They have a hard time drawing healthy boundaries. They will say yes to anything to be liked. They feel ashamed of who they are; it's hard to get them to look you in the eye. They don't believe that their own voice matters, and therefore they don't feel they have a right to say so when something is wrong.

What would freedom look like for this person? It doesn't look like the opposite of my above description, but it begins with seeing what is true of their loneliness. It means that they have lived in the stuff of their story enough to name the impact of it. Over time, the loneliness begins to lose power. There is a lonely person inside, and there is also a "created glory" person inside. They are quicker to see the days where they give power to the wound. And they can begin to live out of the glorious person God has made them to be.

This is NOT pretending that they are not lonely when they really feel lonely. But there are other parts of their heart, glorious parts, God-given and God-gifted parts that aren't about pain. And so they begin to recognize the difference, and name those situations that trigger a temptation to live out of pain. They can begin, by grace, to live out of freedom. They begin to discover who God made them to be, not as defined by everyone around them, but by a deep sense of internal awareness and God awareness.

What would the opposite of wounded living look like in your story?

Bringing It All Together 8: Stuff Below the Line

The next three posts will be about the stuff below the line. If that doesn't make sense, read yesterday's post on the Human Person Box.

Unfortunately, the black box stuff doesn't surface on its own over time. In fact it can be harder and harder to get to the bottom of something if you've spent decades upon decades denying the existence of the black box.

Black Box Special #1: PAIN

Because we live in a fallen world, even human alive has been impacted. We all have wounds, and most of us live out of a commitment to ignore the pain of our woundedness. If you say you have no wound, then you have likely developed ways to numb yourself to the reality of brokenness around you.

One common example might be the person who says "I grew up in a great family! We were all loving and kind..." When asked what was hard about growing up in their family, they respond "Nothing. It was great!"

The problem with this is NOT that they say they grew up in a great family. Many kids have great parents! But all goodness with no brokenness is not the reality of ANY family or individual. You and I are sinners. Your parents were sinners. Their parents, parents, parents, were sinners. And thus, even as many parents love their children in very good ways, their sin (my sin) WILL have an impact. By grace, the impact is not insurmountable. But ironically, it becomes so, when you cannot name it.

The biggest inhibitor of change, says Dan Allender, is not looking at the wound. And we have really good reasons that we do this.

It hurts.

Just like my 6 year old would rather run away and let a cut fester than have me clean it out, you and I are committed to burying pain.

Living with freedom and joy cannot happen without honesty. You cannot be free from wounds you have not grieved. You cannot grieve what you cannot face. And you cannot face what you have not named.

If you are sitting there wondering "What are you talking about?" or "I know there's stuff in there, but I haven't the foggest how to go there," I'd love to dialogue more. Send me a comment or an email!

Bringing it all Together 7: The Human Person Box

This is you. And me. This box represents the human person.








And there inside the box is your heart. The white space on the top represents your awareness about yourself. The degree to which you understand your thoughts, your emotions, why you do and say and feel the things you do. The black space, you probably have guessed, is the stuff you don't know. The stuff you are not aware of that drives you. And because you aren't aware of it, you don't know what's in there.

After the Fall, when God calls out to Adam, "Where are you?" we get a glimpse of what is inside his box. "I was afraid so I hid." This is the stuff he sees. The stuff in the white box. He can name something that is true in his heart. But there is a whole lot of other things going on that he doesn't see. In his continuing dialogue with God, we see what he isn't asking himself. "Why am I afraid? Why am I blaming Eve for my choice? Why am I not answering the question that God asked me?" Stuff in his black box.

Every family has stuff in their black box. Stuff you can't talk about. Stuff you avoid (by running away or crashing headlong into). Stuff you train each other not to notice. One way of thinking about counseling, says my prof DZ, is that it lowers the black line. So that you pay attention and ask better questions of your heart. So that your heart might look more like this:








The black stuff isn't completely gone, but this person understands a lot more of their own heart.

So for example, in marriage counseling, when a couple says, "when need help to communicate with each other better," what they really mean is "we need help with our black box." They might be asking for help with "fighting fair" strategies, but really there is a much deeper conversation that needs to happen. When their two black boxes get together... well, now, we're having a very different interaction.

Or maybe someone made a provoking remark, and you're just flaming mad. And you can name that. But why? What did that trigger in you? What other story is that anger connected to? Often, anger is a front for sadness and shame. Anger is above the line, but for most of us, shame is pushed about as far below the surface as it goes. I'll talk more about this in a post to come.

It is possible to bring a person to a greater sense of awareness about their struggles as a non-Christian, but from a Christian paradigm, why should we lower the line? Is this just counselor mumbo-jumbo?

It seems to me it's about the greatest commandment. How can you love Him with all of your heart, if have little clue about what's really in there? And How can you freely love another, if your heart is divided?

SO what's in your black box?

UNPAUSE

Yes, I'm starting up again!

On Friday I turned in my Research Methods paper, which means, (drumroll please!) that I'm DONE with all my counseling coursework! There are 2 classes you take alongside the internship, but that's all that's left! Yay!

Bring on the experiential learning!! ...

Beginning of Summer Pics

Some end of school/beginning of summer pics that hadn't gotten posted yet...

Ellie's "Wacky Tacky Day" outfit at the end of school



















A sad day.... we had to part with our TX license plate

:)

















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Ellie loses her first tooth-- finally!



















The girls took swimming lessons the last 2 weeks... and made great strides of progress!
K's class was too far from where I was sitting to get pics that day....



















Fun with our friends, the Joyce's who are moving next month :(
Jackson (back left) was one of Ellie's closest friends this year.

Dying and Rising Along the Journey of Faith

Well, you will notice that it's not yet the 24th. And no, I haven't finished my Research Methods class. And yes, I'm supposed to be writing that Research paper today... but...

As of yesterday, my daughters are in Texas. So I woke up at 7:30, and I'm sitting here at the kitchen table with the screen door open, listening to the wind rustling through the trees, and soaking in the brilliant morning sunlight.

I pulled out a book that Jim gave me to read awhile, back-- Silence, Solitude, Simplicity: A Hermit's Love Affair with a Noisy, Crowded, and Complicated World by Sister Jeremy Hall. Will this book likely join the litany of half-read "must reads" on my nightstand? Maybe, but I was encouraged this morning by these thoughts...

The journey of faith must hold together both dying and rising. “For most of us, I suspect, the dying is a matter of experience; the rising, both daily and ultimately, is a matter of faith.”

If you are like me, you feel the daily twinge of death. Devastation on the evening news; a harsh and painful conversation; a pulled muscle or ache that wasn’t there yesterday; a holding onto bitterness or unforgiveness; refusal to acknowledge pain leading to numbness of soul…signs of death.

We (I!) sometimes forget that resurrection is not just for heaven, but for today. By resurrection, I don’t just mean that one day we will be with Jesus. But that resurrection happens daily for the believer. A rising hunger to cry out for His presence; A growing compassion for the hurting; A sense of humility in the face of heartache; A boldness in loving a difficult person… little pieces of the resurrection.

Simone Weil, a brilliant Jewish woman who died during WW II, said that the Cross was enough for her; the Resurrection was her stumbling block. Though she loved the Bible, the sacraments, and the person of Jesus, she would never be baptized. “But the journey of faith is not a matter of dying only. Suffering alone isn’t enough. We must rise out of that death to newness of life.”

Lord, give us eyes to see the unseen, that we may know joy. May we strive to name and remind ourselves when resurrection happens in small ways in this life. We believe, Lord, help us in our unbelief!

PAUSE

My spacious reflection time has been devoured on account of my husband's departure for Colorado (to teach a class; I'll join him there in a few weeks), and I'm in the middle of a Research Methods class. I honestly can't report anything heart-oriented or life changing that I've learned so far, am I'm not optimistic that this will change by the end! But nonetheless, my "Bringing It All Together" posts will have to take a hiatus until I've finished my Lit Review and Research Design project, due June 24th... See you again soon!

Bringing It All Together 6: Dignity and Depravity

Where are we now in discussing our view of people? We've talked humans as whole people, whose every part (physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, etc...) is meant to coexist as a connected whole, relating to God, self and others. Yes! That's a loaded summary statement of the last five posts.

But as wholly connected human people, we also have another 'tension of opposites' going on inside of us. Both are equally true:

1) Dignity: We were created by a good God and His creation of humans was good. There is a created goodness in every human being which gives dignity and worth to every person, all made in the image of God. Humans experience good and healthy longings for love, joy, hope, nurture, purpose, beauty, fulfillment, use of gifts, making a difference in the world... among others.

2) Depravity: The Fall has marred every aspect of our humanity. Our relationships with God, each other and ourselves are broken. They ways we go about seeking to meet our needs are broken. Our bodies, minds, emotions, thinking, etc... are broken. We experience the impact of the Fall in our own hearts, our relationships, and generally within the world everyday.

Dignity and Depravity are in play in every human on the planet.

By the way, what is different about the Christian? Well, just like the unbeliever, Christians are made in the image of God and experience the impact of internal and external depravity. But when a person becomes a Christian, the work of Christ on the cross, which inaugurated the reversal of the curse, is applied to them. The process of restoration has begun in their life. The process of becoming like Christ, working against depravity and restoring dignity, which God has promised will be complete ONE DAY when they meet him face to face has begun in real time NOW.

But why does this matter? Why is it important for the counselor how they view dignity and depravity? Because highlighting one to the exclusion of the other will kill the help you are offering. What do I mean?

Highlighting dignity over depravity would look like emphasizing a client's strengths, helping them to view themselves more positively in light of God's image within them. There is good listening, caring, empathy, and positive reinforcement. But there is no confrontation. There is no understanding of sin or brokenness. There is no facing one's internal mess. And thus, there is a distorted gospel with no need for a cross or a savior.

Highlighting depravity over dignity would look like an emphasis on drawing someone to see and own the effects of their sinfulness and identify ways that they seek to live their lives apart from God. There is a deep concern for confession and applying the cross to their problem, but there is no recognition of their God-given dignity. Ironically this leads to a shallow understanding of brokenness and sin, because the distorted image has no basis for recapturing the healthy longings that have been marred.

I wrote a post expanding on created goodness here.

What might this look like in the counseling room?

Scenario #1:
Say you have a distraught teenager sitting before you. Her parents were divorced two years ago. She is hungry for love, but she has never known what a healthy relationship looks like. She has been sexually active with her boyfriend for a year now. They both feel deeply emotionally connected to each other. Where will you go with her?

Will your "depravity" bell go off immediately and talk to her about the harmful effects of her sexual activity which God intends only for marriage? Or can you hold together the "dignity," which sees that her hunger to deeply connect is given by God, and that although the timing is wrong, that she is experiencing something that, at the right time, is beautiful and good? That while there is something wrong about her relationship with her boyfriend, there is also something right that she has never witnessed in her parents marriage?

A healthy anthropology says "YES!" there is something beautiful and good here. And "YES!" there is something broken and destructive here. (And by the way, the brokenness is all around you, not just within you.) You have to hold onto both.

Scenario #2:
Say you have a man before you who says, "I've been having an affair with a married woman for the last 5 years. I keep asking her to leave her husband, but she won't." And let's add the messy detail that your own dad had an affair and left your family when you were 12. Will your anger towards your own dad erupt on him? How dare he suggest breaking up a family? DEPRAVITY! DEPRAVITY! Or will you be able to hold the dignity together and have some compassion for this man's struggle so you can actually help him? You are not condoning an affair. You are not encouraging him to break up another family. But you are looking at the hurt done to him in his life story, and recognizing that an affair does not happen out of the blue. This man, the married woman he is having an affair, and his wife, are made of the image of God, and are also deeply broken. And you recognize that he is a relational being in the image of God whose desire to connect intimately, although deeply marred and causing harm to himself and a host of others, stems from a glorious God-given desire.

Can you hold the tensions together?

Bringing It All Together 5: Why EMOTIONS are key

After the last two posts, I'm not about to defy my own summary and elevate emotions over other parts. But I DO want to point out that BECAUSE our culture so tends to elevate the rational/thinking/cognitive parts of us over our emotions, that emotions are something we really, really, really need to pay attention to.

Emotions get a bad rap. They really do! For example, consider the following scenarios:

1:
"She's so irrational right now! She gets upset over every little thing!"
Message: Women's emotions are something you have to tolerate, at least a few days out of the month. Strong emotions are too much.

2:
"Isn't little Johnny so CUTE when he gets angry?"
Message: Children's emotions are something to laugh at, not to be taken seriously.

3:
Wife: "It really hurt my feelings when you told Bob about our fight."
Husband: "But Bob is our friend and you shouldn't feel embarrassed for him to know."
Message: Your feelings don't matter because there is a good reason why I did what I did.

4:
Dad to son: "Be a MAN and stop whimpering like a sissy."
Message: Emotions are not masculine; (and the counterthought!)-- being emotional is feminine and sissy!

These examples show some bad messages that we might send about investigating our emotional lives, but WHY am I saying that EMOTIONS are so critically important?

WHY EMOTIONS ARE KEY:

1. God is a EMOTIONAL being. The Bible tells us that we see God most clearly in Christ, and we know that Christ experienced joy and delight (such as in fellowship with his disciples, in prayer with His Father), frustration (with the Pharisees, over his disciples lack of faith), nurturing care (as he longed to rescue Jerusalem, attended to children), rage (overturning the tables in the market), sorrow (in the loss of Lazarus) and significant pain (betrayal, mocking, torturous death)-- just to name a few. As we express emotions, we mirror these parts of God who made us to feel things deeply.

2. Think of the most "ALIVE" person you know. Are they flat? Unengaging? Expressionless? Insensitive? Passionless? Sluggish? NO!!! They are passionate! Joyful! Attuned! Exuberant! Deeply engaging! Compassionate! Able to express themselves and sensitive to others! Am I right?

3. You can't kill pain and keep joy. You just can't. We humans are deeply committed to avoiding pain. Yet, you can't develop coping mechanisms to avoid heartache, but stay alert and receptive to love, joy, and hopefulness. God just hasn't made us that way.

4. Emotions are key puzzle pieces. In the lifelong process of knowing your own heart, emotions often lead you to the best clues. The places where there is the most pain in your story are the places where redemption can be most deeply experienced. But you'll never get there if you don't acknowledge those painful places. If you pay attention and follow the trail of sadness, grief, anxiety, fear, shame, etc... you will find the places where your heart is most hungry and potentially responsive to God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, love, and hope.

Paying attention to your emotions is not the same thing as being controlled by them. In fact, if you DO NOT pay attention to your emotions, then you WILL BE controlled by them. So next time you have a strong emotional reaction, stop and pay attention. Notice. Ask what's going on. There's something there worth discovering. And, if you're a person who never has strong emotional reactions, you too should ask why. Feeling deeply is part of what it means to be humans made in God's image.

Bringing It All Together 4: The WHOLE human person

Yesterday I gave some examples of the chopped up human person, showing how some models of change elevate some parts (usually the cognitive reasoning abilities) of humanity while ignoring others (usually the emotional and biological). There could be LOTS more examples, but let's look at a WHOLE PERSON response to a problem. What might that look like?

Let's return to our anxiety problem. The wholly integrated person might approach it this way:

-I am anxious. I acknowledge what is true, not running from it, hiding it, or trying to will it away. I am living honestly with what I see in me. I become curious, and I start down a path of seeking to see whatever God wants to show me through my struggle with anxiety. He is with me on this journey.

-I don't know why I'm anxious exactly, but I'd like to understand more. I bringing my concerns to God (relational,spiritual), asking Him to show me what is going on in me.

-I seek others who know me (relational) and asking for their input and prayers (coming to God together.) This could be a LONG process! Along the way, there are stories to tell, losses to grieve, and perhaps forgiveness to seek and to offer.

-I want my life to line up to His word, and I want my mind to be renewed by truth. I choose (thinking/willing) to put true things into my mind, and ask God to make them true as He is changing me to be more like Him. This is not a magical process. I see and acknowledge where I'm not living in freedom and invite Him to enter there. But along the way I realize that He is the one who invited ME to know Him more as I wrestle with anxiety. He is in charge of my growth process; I'm not.

-I am paying attention to my body. I felt panicky yesterday. I couldn't sleep last night. My brain won't shut off. Today my neck is as stiff as a post. I recognize that how I'm feeling in my body is connected to my emotions. I bring all of this to God, not just asking for Him to take away my physical pain, but seeing how my body is telling the same story as my emotions, my spirit, and my mind.

-These steps don't belong in a certain order, and I might revisit them over and over. Anxiety might be a struggle my entire life, and the more I understand about my own heart and story, the more I know why.

My mind, heart, body, emotions, will, spirit, thinking, feeling, choosing, relating... all are an integrated whole of what makes me ME.

Bringing It All Together Part 3: The CHOPPED UP human person

If you were to put them on a scale of importance, how would you rate these "parts of personhood?"

-spiritual
-emotional
-physical
-relational
-thinking/cognition
-will/desire

I suppose you could make the list longer... and there are overlaps... but what do you think? Doesn't it sound "spiritual" to put "spiritual" at the top? And how about emotions? Does it seem like those pesky things should be somewhere near the bottom? And what do these terms mean, anyway? Can you chop a person into parts, and is it helpful to even have ways of talking about our segments, as if we were bugs?

Let me suggest that this is SUCH an unhelpful way to think about people! God made humans with ALL of these abilities. Relating to God and others, thinking, emotional feeling, bodily responses, choosing.... ALL the parts of us play a role in what it means to be human. ALL of these parts have been tainted by the Fall. And ALL of these parts, for the Christian, are being restored to the image of Christ.

Whole people. No one part that is spiritual and the rest messed up. Every part affected by sin. Every part being redeemed.

But we chop ourselves up all the time, unaware.

Example #1: My anxiety problem

Let's say you have a problem with anxiety. You find every verse in the Bible on anxiety. You meditate on them, hoping this will relieve your stress. You repeat them over and over, thinking again and again about lies and truth. Whenever an anxious thought pops into your head, you say "stop that!" and start quoting verses. Let me say it is NOT WRONG to meditate on Bible verses. And they may help relieve your stress. But here's what you MAY be doing: Elevating the thinking/cognitive part of you over the emotional part of you; putting more stock in your thoughts than your emotions. AND it looks so spiritual.

And what's the problem with that?

-Your mind is no less tainted by the fall than your emotions
-Your emotions are actually a gift of God to clue into things that are wrong. By ignoring or suppressing them, (in the name of "positive thinking" or "not dwelling on the negative"), you are going to miss a big piece of the puzzle.
-Ignore them long enough and your body will tell you so. Long term anxiety will cause panic attacks, stomach ulcers, heart palpitations, headaches, back and neck problems
-AND the Bible verses you are meditating on were NEVER meant to be slapped on top of your anxiety.

But the Bible says, you object, "Be anxious for nothing!" That means cut off anxiety!

But I ask, how could you possibly understand your anxiety without spending time really thinking about what is making you anxious? Chances are it is deeply rooted in your life story. For some, meditating on Bible verses actually becomes a way of avoiding pain.

Example #2: The Fact-Faith-Feeling Train

I have a problem with the way that some people interpret this train, and the message it sends.

What's the big idea?



The FACTS represent the unshakeable truths of our faith.
We put our FAITH in the facts.
And then our FEELINGS follow. In that order.
I.E., we choose to believe what is true rather than what our feelings may be telling us.

And what's the (potential) problem with that? This IS a problem IF...

-if you think that your WILL mechanism is more reliable than your FEELING mechanism. Again you have your parts on a hierarchy with feeling at the bottom; and some parts are less affected by the fall than others. You think that you can THINK your way out of your anxiety.

-if you think you should ignore your feelings. They are not worthwhile to explore and understand. In fact, paying attention to them is not just a low priority, but they KEEP ME from believing and experiencing truth the way that I should.

-if you say "I'm just going to obey, even if I don't feel like it, and my feelings will magically follow behind." But the feelings never come. And I know something isn't working, but my conclusions send me into a tailspin, because all I can imagine is one of the following explanations: 1) God doesn't exist. 2)God is angry with me. I'm doing something wrong and I'm going to work really hard to get it right so God will be happy with me again. 3)I must not be His kid.

What I'm NOT saying:
I'm NOT saying we don't need to obey if we don't feel like it.
I'm NOT saying that we shouldn't seek to believe what is true.
I'm NOT saying that we shouldn't seek to see where my thinking doesn't line up with the truth, and use our minds in the process of acknowledging and believing truth.
I'm NOT saying that putting our faith in our emotions is the way to go.

What AM I saying? Come back tomorrow for a summary what a WHOLE, INTEGRATED approach to an anxiety problem might look like.