Soul Care #11

Towards a model of counseling...

Many good counselors have very different models.  While admitting that no counseling session cleanly follows any "4 step plan," a good counselor should be able to clearly articulate where/how they leading you.

Here is Dr. C's model in the counseling room, which feels equally helpful for general conversation... I thought of breaking this up into 4 pieces since each one requires some thought. But I think it's helpful to see the whole thing laid out together...

Stage 1: Reactors
Most people enter the counseling conversation as reactors.  They bring you a problem that bothers them that they do not understand.  They simply respond to life as it comes to them without knowing why.

Positively, this person has begun to see that they do not see.  You are there to help them see.  To move them to the next stage of awareness, you must help them reflect on disaapointments and unmet longings in their situation, both present and past.  These are the questions that help them see why they do the things they do.

Stage 2: Sinned against Sinners
As a person uncovers the major disappointments and unmet desires of their hearts, they begin to see where their patterns of behavior come from.  There are logical reasons for the relational choices they have made, and you cannot bypass the hurts of their soul to uncover these.

Yet stopping here leaves a person wounded and self-absorped victim.  The goal of your counseling is not so they will understand themselves better, but to love Christ and others better. Thus you must move them to identifying the ways that their relational strategies are harming others.

Stage 3: Independent Agents
Yes, we have been sinned against, but we are also responsible for our choices.  In what ways is this person living out of their damage which is causing damage to others? Once the person understands the damage in their souls (stage 2), they are ready to make this change because they see how this happened.  Change starts to take place where they understand and make choices to love differently by the power of the gospel. 

Some people try to skip stage 2 and move straight into stage 3.  This type of person who tries to "white knuckle" himself into better choices will still feel insane because they still don't understand their own soul.

As a person in stage 3 begins to see how they have experienced and perpetuated the effects of the Fall,
you draw the person to see how they damage others when they choose to live out of pain instead of hope.

Stage 4: Dependency upon Christ
 As you attempt to move away from long-held unhealthy strategies, you realize how much you desperately need Him.  Your only hope is a deeply rooted trust in the One who is changing you.

Secular counseling only takes a person up through Stage 2.  Of course it is a positive thing to help people live better, but then comes the struggle of life afterwards.  What difference does it make to a person once they are no longer addicted?  There is still an empty and unfilled hunger for more.  This is a great place to enter the gospel!

So when a person comes to you, or you are trying to evaluate your own difficulties, the model may help you evaluate where you are and what you may need to move forward in your struggle. 

Ellie's Party Play

For her birthday, Ellie requested a play of Jesus' birth.  I suppose this came on the heels of the recent Christmas season, but the idea was all her own.  So I set off to plan how many kids were necessary for a basic nativity skit... apparently the number is 16.  What were we thinking?

Ellie of course played Mary, (isn't she the cutest little Mary you've ever seen?:), and K was an angel.

Let the play begin... Mary & co-actor Joseph

"Mary was so afraid!" ... (and a hiding wiseman)

No room in the inn

Shepherds, sheep & angels

King Herod

All come to worship Jesus

;

All and all the play was a quality production and Mary gave a stirring performance.  Though Ellie decided that perhaps next year, we'll go a little smaller.  Her playwright agrees.

Soul Care #10

Most self-help materials fall into 3 general categories:

1) Your problem is due to you behavior.  Stop doing something you are doing.
2) Your problem is due to you mind. Something needs to change about the way you think.
3) Your problem is due to your feelings. Something is blocked that needs to be released.

A common combination is "cognitive-behavioral", which says you must change the way you think, and then this will change the way you act.  Understand it, then fix it.

The problem with these dichotomous distinctions is that Christ deals with all three of these dimensions at different times, as He always knows what is the necessary entry point into every heart.

Cultures and denominations also tend towards one of these three categories.  Every cutlure, organization, church, group, etc... reflects both dignity and depravity. 

Jesus holds the tension of these three together: How I think, how I feel, how I behave is one cohesive whole.

Happy Birthday little Ellie

Happy Birthday to my little Ellie who is 5 today! Mommy & Daddy are so delighted God gave us you!

Flower Girls!

On Saturday the girls had their first expereince as flower girls at our friend Angela's wedding. 

Wish I'd gotten a better view of the aisle but they were obviously having fun during their debut.

So many pictures!

Our job is done... now we can take it easy!

Ellie wanted her picture taken next to the cake :)

Since we didn't have enough sugar in the wedding cake or the cookies or the candies or the sugar drinks, the girls want to stop to get a "sugar fruit" stick on the way out the door.

Time to go home... Ellie hails a taxi :)

If you have young daughters, I highly recommend one of our favorite stories, Lily's Big Day, by Kevin Henkes.  This book provides all the necessary inspiration and practice instructions for aspiring flower girls!!

Could Always Be Worse

My husband says this background is a little "busy."  But I think it's bright and cheery and warm, and that's what we're imaging here.  It really has been a sunny week for which I am grateful! But while you are looking out the window, the indoor heat gives you the impression that Spring is right around the corner... which is not quite the case. So last week the girls and I decided it would be encouraging to learn about all the places that are MUCH colder than here.  Maybe you'd like to know...

In Vladivostok, Russia, it is 11 degrees F.

In Yellowknife, (Northern Territories Canada), is -29.

In Oslo, Norway, it's 3.

In Stockholm, Sweden, it's 4.

In Novosibirsk, Russia, it's -8.

In Nanavut, it's -35. 

In Mermansk, it's -4.

In Nico, Antartica, it's -27.

There, doesn't that make you feel better?
I'll probably lose the backdrop after a few days but for now, I'm imagining the tropical vacation...

Soul Care #9

Assumption #1: Behavior is purposeful. 
Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships. 
Assumption #3: People are ambivalent.
Assumption #4: Not all problems are 'solvable'
Assumption #5: Good counseling is about lending hope.
Assumption #6: Change often begins in a dramatic moment but real change is ongoing.

Assumption #7: Knowledge alone doesn't change.

Assumption #8: Emotions reveal our fundamental idols.  Many traditions paint negative emotions as bad things to be slapped over with truth-- 'If I tell myself what is true, it will change the way I feel.'  The problem is that this person is missing what their emotions are meant to reveal.  Giving voice to your negative feelings is not the same as being ruled by them.  The "service engine soon" light on your dashboard is not the problem with your car.  It reveals the problem.  Often we repent of the light, but never see the real problem.  If you are apologizing for yelling at your spouse, but you do it over and over, you may be repenting of the light on the dash.  Emotions help you see the 'sin under the sin.'  Why is my heart angry? You have to get to the underneath question if you are really going to change.



  

Soul Care #8

Assumption #1: Behavior is purposeful. 
Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships. 
Assumption #3: People are ambivalent.
Assumption #4: Not all problems are 'solvable'
Assumption #5: Good counseling is about lending hope.
Assumption #6: Change often begins in a dramatic moment but must continue in an ongoing process.


Assumption #7: Knowledge alone doesn't change. We often think that if we 'understand' our problem, it will go away. This is the assumption of a pure cognitive approach.  'If we give people all the right info, they will change...'  Knowledge of doctrine doesn't change people. God changes people. You may have significant insight and know exactly what a person needs to hear, and you may deliver it in a loving and winsome way, but if God doesn't show up in your conversation, nothing will happen.

Soul Care #7

Assumption #1: Behavior is purposeful. 
Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships. 
Assumption #3: People are ambivalent.
Assumption #4: Not all problems are 'solvable'
Assumption #5: Good counseling is about lending hope.

Assumption #6: Change often begins in a dramatic moment but must continue in an ongoing process. Beware of the story that claims complete freedom as a result of a conference or single event. Don't mistake the dramatic moment for the ongoing healing process. After Jesus heals Lazarus, he still must be 'unbound and let go.' Sometimes we make dramatic decisions during a weekend or retreat, but there is no follow-up.  We feel freedom at first, because something a secret we've carried has finally been shared.  Then that person comes in the counseling office and says "I don't need to meet anymore." But their journey has just begun.  Think of the parable of the strong man.  The house has been swept clean, but the Lord of that house hasn't been determined yet.  Good counsel will continue to walk alongside.

Soul Care #6

Assumption #1: Behavior is purposeful.
Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships. 
Assumption #3: People are ambivalent.
Assumption #4: Not all problems are 'solvable.' 

Assumption #5: Good Counseling is about lending hope.
When a person seeks counsel from you, it is because they have limited faith and hope. They may come into your office having lost a relationship, or lost a loved one, or lost a dream, but more fundamentally, they have lost hope. They borrow these from you until they face the struggle and/or repent of what they need to so they can live as a person with renewed hope.  When there are tears in your eyes over their heartache, and yet you carry it deep in your soul that we have a redeeming God, deeply believing that there is not one person, situation, or sin that cannot be redeemed for His glory, you renew their hope that He is good and the gospel's promises are really true.  Being a counselor is giving faith and hope for a season until they have it deeply rooted again within themselves. 


Haven't we all been on both ends of this conversation?  This doesn't seem to be just for the counselor, but also the parent, the spouse, the child and the friend!

Soul Care #5

Assumption #1: Behavior is purposeful.
Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships.
Assumption #3: People are ambivalent.

Assumption #4: Not all problems are solvable, at least not in the way we define it.  There are some struggles and heartaches without resolution in this life. We have a hard time swallowing this, because we think God wouldn't want us to face a hard struggle for a long time!  But some things won't be better until heaven.  This doesn't mean God isn't working, but many times He is working to draw you to Himself, not to relieve your struggle. And many times God does show up and work miracles in relationships and situations. But if you don't acknowledge that this doesn't always happen, you won't counsel for long. Some stories are too hard.  And because of that...

(stay tuned for the next one... this was probably my favorite take away from the whole class!)

Soul Care #4

Assumption #1: Behavior is purposeful.
Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships.

Assumption #3: People are ambivalent.  People want to get better, and they don't want to get better.  Maybe you want a better relationship with someone, but you fear what it would cost you to be honest. So you recognize you both desire and run from hope.

Hope is dangerous.  Consider Jesus by the pool of Bethesda.  Jesus finds a man whose life is practically over.  Jesus asks him, "Do you want to be well?"  When the man responds with an excuse instead of a resounding "yes," we see that he has become accustomed to and defined by his struggle.  He has turned the way he has protected himself become his friend rather than something to walk away from.  We see this too in the slaves of Egypt.  They want to be free, and yet want to return to captivity.

In every human, in every culture, in every organization and company, there is both dignity and depravity.  Then tension between the two makes people ambivalent.  A lot of counseling approaches look at only one of these.  Are you the sinner?  Or are you the Beloved?  You are both.

Soul Care #3

Assumption #1-- Behavior is Purposeful

Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships. 
Real change doesn't happen alone.  It is lived out in relationships with others.  Relationships got you in trouble, and relationships will heal you.  In the incarnation, we see that God redeems by sending Himself.  The Trinity also is about relationships--God in relationship with Himself.  If I am made in His image, then I am made to be connected with others and to Him.

How do you measure how much trouble someone is in?  Is it harming their relationships?  It needs attention.  Are they livign in the truth and telling themselves the truth about their relationships?  Unhealthy people have unhealthy relationships and don't tell themselves the truth. 

So my question is...
How do you speak the truth to someone who is not living in reality and doesn't want to hear the truth? My thought is first, you have to be a person who lives authentically in relationships yourself! (So much easier to see it in someone else, don't you think?) Then, I'm thinking a good counselor could winsomely surface the need that draws someone to hunger for the hard but loving word. Your thoughts?

Soul Care #2

Here were our prof's thoughts about the assumptions he has before he walks into a counseling conversation:

Behavior is purposeful. God’s actions are purposeful, and as beings in His image, ours are too. Everything a person does will make sense if you understand the context. You do things for a reason.  These are not 'excuses' or taking responsibility away from that person, but you are seeking to understand what is under their behavior.

If there is a behavior you say you want to change, but can’t seem to stop, there is often a more important goal underneath that behavior that is driving your actions. For example, if you have a messy desk, perhaps you don’t want people to expect much of you because you feel overwhelmed. Or if you have a hyper-clean house, maybe you are trying to control a manageable part of your life because other more important things in your life are out of your control. When puzzled by someone’s behavior, you can ask—“What would make this make sense?” Unless you figure out why that behavior is ‘working’ for them (or you!), there won’t be much change.

Soul Care #1

Last week I had the privilege of attending a counseling class offered by a great program in the US.  No, I didn’t go to the US—they came to us!  To help me keep chewing on my notes, I thought I’d write out some “Soul Care Thoughts” that you may enjoy too…

The Gap between Calling and Condition

We all have a gap in our lives between what/who God has called us to be, and how we actually live out our bottom line beliefs.  Some call this what we “say we believe” and what we “really believe.”  Or you may think of it as areas of our lives where the gospel’s promises have not yet permeated our hearts.  And we all have strategies we use to deal with this gap… Here are 3 common ways of dealing with the gap:

1)     Compulsive and compliant.  If I try really hard, I can ‘stop doing that.’  If I work really hard, I can force myself by virtue of good discipline to do what I ‘should do.’  But these types will eventually tire out.

2)     Lowering expectations.  These types are distant and defiant; actively or passively angry… “I can’t do it; I won’t try.” Eventually they tire everyone else out who tries to rescue them, fix them, etc… but they can’t.

3)     Minimize the gap—it doesn’t exist.  This is the party person who asks “What gap?”  These people are always happy but don’t seem authentic; their lives and vanilla, dutiful, boring with no impact.

If you pretend there is no gap, you don’t need the gospel.

“An honest discussion of a soul will never be boring, because God doesn’t write boring stories.”

How do you close the gap?

(I’m definitely all over #1.)