Hands down, when a person comes to a counselor, they are generally looking for advise.
What should I do about my wayward daughter?
What can you do about my demanding spouse?
I'm feeling unfulfilled in my job-- should I pursue a new career?
But what happens if you give advise? Advise can be treacherous. If they try what you suggest and it doesn't work, then you are in trouble. Because you are the expert, and it 'didn't work.' And if they try it and it DOES work, you are also in trouble. WHY? Because now you have built in a guaranteed dependence. They don't own it, they just know that you will help them solve their problems. They are not taking greater responsibility for themselves.
Sometimes the toughest role to play is to help people reflect, and to NOT deliver advise when their soul is crying out for an answer. Giving advise DOES relieve the pressure a counselor might feel to DO something to help. But people are much more motivated to change when you help THEM discover a good path for themselves.
Rather, my role is to be WITH people.
If I believe that my presence in more important than answers, then I am freed up to be WITH people rather than feel pressure to offer solutions. The answers you offer is not where the power is. The power comes in entering your relationship with them in a different way than they have experienced before. After all, you can expect that the unhealthy ways that they function in relationships WILL show up in the room with you. And so as they experience someone who does NOT react to their mess with anxiety, withdraw, attack, enablement, etc... (the ways they usually experience people), then you open up a vista for change in their heart.
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