Bringing It All Together 15: Marriage Ripe For an Affair

Over the last two posts, we looked at both passive conflict, and aggressive conflict. Each can foster an environment ripe for an affair.

Usually when we hear of a husband cheating on his wife, or a wife cheating on her husband, we blame the "cheater" only and do not think about the context in which the affair takes place. Affairs do not happen in a day, and the patterns that breed unfaithfulness are usually cultivated over a long period of time. I am not saying there isn't genuine offense on the part of the one who had an affair. There are plenty of couples who struggle and yet decide NOT to act on their desires for another. And yet, there is always more to the story than meets the eye.

We also think that affairs happen because of sexual attraction (or a lack thereof). We may hear a spouse conclude "I married the wrong person. I'm not attracted to him anymore." When actually, the couple never bonded emotionally in the first place.

What doesn't bond, doesn't cling. It is about the emotional attachment (or lack thereof) of the couple.

When a marriage is stuck in a negative pattern of connection that lacks emotional awareness and intimacy, each spouse is ripe for another person to come along who is sympathetic and understands in a way their spouse does not. The majority of people who have affairs are surprised that the relationship turned sexual. Why are they surprised? Because it wasn't about sex, but about being emotionally connected with a person who listens to your heart.