What is the 'secret' of offering good counsel? What makes someone a really GOOD counselor, as opposed to a person who just helps people figure out problems?
Dr. C feels this is wrapped up in how a counselor uses the sense of "immediacy." Though there is a lot of discussion in the counseling room regarding a person's past, or thoughts about their future, the time that is "now" is the most powerful dynamic available to the counselor. The events that are taking place right now in a person's life are where they feel the greatest needs. People recreate the way they live in the world in their relationships, so if they are skeptical and distant with you, you can assume they live this way in other relationships too.
What is your pull?
Another way of thinking about this is called "projective identification"-- what is the aura people feel when they are around you?
"I can do it all myself?"
"I'm in charge?"
"I'm your friend?"
"I'm burdened."
"I'm fun."
"I'll give you whatever you want."
Everyone has this "pull" that people feel when they are around you. "Immediacy" feels the pull of another person, observes it, reflects it back to them, and redemptively offers another way.
This sense of immediacy identifies what is the most difficult thing about being on the other side of who they are, so that you can help them move away from just understanding themselves to loving others better. As you point out incongruencies (their face says one thing, but their actions say another; when they start talking about "x", they look away, etc...) you give them an opportunity to begin responding differently with you than with their "giant fig leaf" norm.
Many counselors don't do this because it requires a level of honesty about themselves they are often unwilling to deal with. (You must know your own pull before you can reflect someone else's aura to them!) Jesus is often very disruptive in the way he deals with people; The counsel he offers is far from just giving words of comfort.
Be curious about their hearts, not just their behavior and listen for core beliefs. Identify your own feelings about your relationship with them as they share. Pray the Lord will give you a vision for who they can become, if they have freedom in this area of struggle. This requires:
-an ear for the friend/client
-an ear to yourself
-an ear to the Holy Spirit's work in this person's situation
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
So how do I figure out what my own "pull" is?
Great question, Steph! I’d love to learn more about this myself. I think some great insight could come from thinking about those that rub me the wrong way, and why? What are the responses and actions of others that irk me, and what does that engender in me? I think evaluating these ‘negative relationship dynamics’ help me see what I value most and how I desire to come across to others. Also, I could ask a few brave friends to tell me what they feel from me. Some of the best insights may come from those who I don’t naturally ‘click’ with, because friends that I naturally connect with most probably have a pull that ‘works’ well with mine and so are less likely to see it. (But I can tell you right now, those aren’t the people I’d most want to ask!) I’d love to hear what you come up with, Steph!
Post a Comment