Celebrating Hannah

Today we celebrated the life of Hannah, our first daughter, by a family day at ChaoYang park. We enjoyed all the things that an 8 year old would love, and I know she would have been very pleased.

We began with a boat ride... we opted for the motor boat instead of the paddle boats. Good call!









































They had tea cup boats, flying saucer boats, GI Joe boats, pagoda boats... and more!


























The cherry blossoms couldn't have been in a more full bloom. OK, I don't know if these are cherry blossoms. But aren't they beautiful?




















































Elle wanted to drive a boat- BY HERSELF.













The carousel was a big hit...































...and the dinosaur ride was a surprising top pick!















Gotta have cotton candy. Can you see? It's all over her face.



















K wanted to go up in these parachutes that give you a view of the city.






























Pretty nice, albiet hazy view.

Sweet day making sweet memories.

Hannah Kathryn Wallace
Born April 24, 2002
6lbs, 7 oz
19 3/4 inches

FINALLY

FINALLY,
Bible.org has published my "Christ Our Treasure" Bible study on their website!

The idea began in seed form when I began this blog in May of 2006. Bring people to Jesus by looking at Jesus. A friend challenged me to take on this project and I wrote it's first draft and lead it with a group of women in the spring of 2007 while living in Singapore. After moving to China, another friend asked me to lead it again in the fall of 2007, which allowed me another revision. And then it really went to the editing table! In the Spring of 2008 I attended a writing conference and got the help of my writing mentor friend Sandi. In the Fall of 2008, I submitted it to a publisher who really liked it but told me I would have to send him 5 more if I wanted him to consider publishing it. Since that wasn't going to happen, Sandi suggested I contact bible.org. Though I was excited about learning about the traditional publishing journey, I also wanted to keep it FREE and available, so I love the bible.org route! They told me they would publish it in Jan of '09. And then I believe it became, "lost in the que." I waited. I asked. Yes, yes, it's coming. I waited. I asked. Yes, REALLY, it's coming (repeat, repeat, repeat)... but now it's there! Here's the link!

http://bible.org/series/christ-our-treasure-exploring-his-beauty-epistles

To all of those who walked the journey with me, made editing suggestions, told me honestly "that doesn't make sense!", encouraged me to pursue it, prayed for it, etc... thank you, thank you, thank you!

“And we all, with unveiled faces reflecting the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another, which is from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

Soul Care #32: Wrapping Up II

Final Q&A, continued...

How do you deal with daily phobias?
Phobias are usually symbolic, because they are not logical. Flying, riding in elevators, germs, spiders, driving etc... are usually not the source of fear. Usually if you help a person walk back in their life, there are significant relationship issues of control with a person in their life. The phobia is a sign that their stress level is high and they live with a lot of fear. To practically help, if someone is afraid of driving, we can together make a list of 20 steps to driving their car. #1 may be: draw a picture of your car. #20 is freely driving down the highway. They cannot fathom #20, but they can start slowly with #1.

What if someone doesn't want to go to counseling?
If someone doesn't want to be there, counseling will usually not help. You can say something to this person like: "I want to get healthy. And I want you to come with me. If you don't come, I'm still going, but I'd like you to come." And then if need be, faithfully go alone and work on your own life. The change a loved one sees in you may convince them they also have a need.


How about non-Christian counseling?
Dr. C felt that poor Christian counseling can be worse than good non-Christian counseling. How can this be? Because although non-Christians cannot heal the wound, they can carry you well down the road to seeing unhealthiness and what isn't working. Yet when it comes to healing, a non-Christian counselor will not assume that you are compelled by the gospel to move beyond your woundedness to love others.

What are some good ways to learn more about myself?
Learn to be a good question asker and observer of yourself.
How do you react under stress?
What would most highly embarrass you? Why?
What do you do when you fail?
What characters do you most identify with in movies or novels? What do they stir in you?
What types of people or responses most get under your skin? Why?

I think these self-evaluative questions are a great way to end this series. Self-awareness is critical to living in the freedom of the gospel! And yet, the goal of self-discovery is not understanding, but LOVE. Loving God, and loving others, for His sake.

And that's a worthwhile journey!

Soul Care #31: Wrapping Up

I have reached the end of my notes. This last post covers a Q&A time at the end that didn't fit clearly into any one topic:

How about daughter's struggling with body image?
The greatest impact on a daughter's view of her body comes from the response of her father. If a daughter experiences the delight and care of her father as she enters puberty, she will most likely be secure. If she senses her dad backing away from her during these awkward years, she will often have struggles over her body image.

How do you deal with forgotten memories?
This is a difficult, inexact area. For clients think something happened that is possibly suppressed, we can pray together that God will reveal what you should remember. Often times, they start having dreams, or the sense of a memory goes away.

How about counseling someone of a different faith?
God's principles work, even if they aren't named as such. And yet, the person who comes to you with a need is ripe to hear another way, (because obviously the things they have tried aren't working!).

What if your BOSS is the one who needs help?
When someone has no voice with their leadership, it is very debilitating to their work. If your leader is approachable, ask them, "Would you be willing to get some feedback about what it's like to work under you?" Then share your feelings, not your judgments.

I'll break this up into 2 sections...

Soul Care #30: Sexuality

Sexuality is God's design, and His domain.

The world's model says:
1)Sex is for self.
2)Sex is only for pleasure
3)Sexual urges are uncontrollable
4)Sex is just physical.

God's model says:
1)Sex is about giving.
2)Sex is for pleasure, but not only pleasure, and not only your pleasure.
3)Sexual urges are controllable. Proverbs is all over this.
4)Sex is not just physical, but primarily about creating intimacy

What was God thinking when He designed men to be turned on by sight, and women to be turned on by touch? That men climax quickly and women need time? To these differences, we will either manipulate to meet our own needs, or minister to meet another's needs. By our very physiological make up, God demonstrates that sex is about giving.

There is so much more that could be said about his topic, but a healthy conversation starts with a discussion of God's original design.

Soul Care #29: Falling in Love?

Yes, this WAS a fascinating class!

Now mind you, the population of our class is full of couples who met, dated, and fell in love overseas. Dr. C was trying to convince us that none of us really "fell in love"! Rather, we followed the principles that cause two people to feel intimate. What makes people feel intimate? Vulnerability. You share new and novel experiences together and talk about. You come overseas together--you eat dumplings for breakfast, take a rickshaw ride, fumble over language mistakes, and fight the post office to hand over your package. You share these new things with another person, you talk about feeling lost and scared, etc...and voila! --you feel connected.

Later after you are married, you settle into your normal life and stop doing and sharing about new things together. And you stop feeling close. God wired our nervous systems to respond to new experiences. We need to have shared experiences in order to remain close.

This feels pretty simplistic to me (of course there are others I've met overseas whom I'd never get in a rickshaw with!), but the principle feels true. Intimacy requires vulnerability, and that takes cultivation.

Soul Care #28: Parenting III

How do you advise counseling kids?

Abstract reasoning abilities do not develop until later, so they need a very realistic line of discussion with a child: Here's a sample:

What do you want? (What's your goal?) You to leave me alone.
What are you doing? Sneaking out at night.
How is what you're doing helping you with that goal?
What it would be like to ____ instead?

Kids misbehave for 4 reasons:
1)They want attention
2)They want revenge
3)They want power
4)They want to be left alone

They can't identify these motives, so you should try to guess what is going on with them. Though they can't connect their head with their hearts, you should try to!

Soul Care #27: Parenting II

Parenting continued...

Kids are always asking 2 questions:
1) Am I loved? To this, the parent must always answer YES!
2) Can I do whatever I want? To this, the parent must always answer NO!

Families that have high nurture and little to no structure/discipline are damaging. (More typically American pattern.)

Families that have high structure and little to no nurture are damaging. (More typical Chinese pattern.)

Families that have no structure and no love are extremely damaging.

When we advocate/look for a certain parenting model, we tend to pick a book/method that fits our own personality or style. But the opposite is what we probably need: A high structure family needs a book about nurture. A high nurture family needs a book about structure. We must have a balance of the two. Cultures (see Chinese & American examples above), denominations (think of how a structured liturgical Presbyterian would likely parent, as opposed to a Charismatic!) etc... also tend to advocate certain formulas for parenting, and you need to be aware of these.

Thus, in order to be wise in your own parenting, you must know yourself. Do you tend towards nurture, or order? I.E.--If you are an introverted, realistic oriented parent, know & account for the fact that your extroverted, idealistic child will require a lot of energy from you!!!

And you must know your individual kids.

As you spend time with your kids, pay attention to what speaks love to them, not to you.

Introverted children need consistent time without the requirement of much interaction. They need time to prepare for change. If you are faithful and consistent with them, then they WILL come to you when they have something to say.

An idealistic child needs a parent who will let them dream and not always pull them down from the clouds, even as they need help to finish what they start. (This is so Kathryn!) A realistic child needs to be given structure and schedule, even as they need help to learn to dream and use their imagination.

Parent towards their need. There is no formula!

Happy Anniversary, My Love

As today we celebrate #11, I would choose you, over & over

Soul Care #26: Parenting

Boy, do I need this one!

From research on affair prone marriages, healthy families have:
1) low conflict (not that you avoid it, but not continual damaging conversation)
2) high emotional warmth- vulnerability and intimacy
3) high pleasure/fun

The key task in parenting is to guide them on the path from foolishness to wisdom. From "my way is the best way" to "God's way is the best way." This of course is extremely difficult for parents, because the parent is still on the journey themselves!

Godly parenting is not formulaic, but reflective and geared towards the make up of each child. God doesn't wire each kid the same, and we as parents must give different things (responses, discipline, etc...) to different kids.

God has both 1)holiness/justice and 2)love/mercy/grace is His character. As we seek to model our parenting after the ultimate Parent, we must live in this tension between structure/order and tenderness/nurture/love.

To be continued...

Soul Care #25: What Your Pull?

What is the 'secret' of offering good counsel? What makes someone a really GOOD counselor, as opposed to a person who just helps people figure out problems?

Dr. C feels this is wrapped up in how a counselor uses the sense of "immediacy." Though there is a lot of discussion in the counseling room regarding a person's past, or thoughts about their future, the time that is "now" is the most powerful dynamic available to the counselor. The events that are taking place right now in a person's life are where they feel the greatest needs. People recreate the way they live in the world in their relationships, so if they are skeptical and distant with you, you can assume they live this way in other relationships too.

What is your pull?
Another way of thinking about this is called "projective identification"-- what is the aura people feel when they are around you?
"I can do it all myself?"
"I'm in charge?"
"I'm your friend?"
"I'm burdened."
"I'm fun."
"I'll give you whatever you want."

Everyone has this "pull" that people feel when they are around you. "Immediacy" feels the pull of another person, observes it, reflects it back to them, and redemptively offers another way.

This sense of immediacy identifies what is the most difficult thing about being on the other side of who they are, so that you can help them move away from just understanding themselves to loving others better. As you point out incongruencies (their face says one thing, but their actions say another; when they start talking about "x", they look away, etc...) you give them an opportunity to begin responding differently with you than with their "giant fig leaf" norm.

Many counselors don't do this because it requires a level of honesty about themselves they are often unwilling to deal with. (You must know your own pull before you can reflect someone else's aura to them!) Jesus is often very disruptive in the way he deals with people; The counsel he offers is far from just giving words of comfort.

Be curious about their hearts, not just their behavior and listen for core beliefs. Identify your own feelings about your relationship with them as they share. Pray the Lord will give you a vision for who they can become, if they have freedom in this area of struggle. This requires:

-an ear for the friend/client
-an ear to yourself
-an ear to the Holy Spirit's work in this person's situation

Soul Care #24: Giving Helpful Feedback

Back to my promised completion project... In January I took a pastoral counseling class. I've been slowly processing through the notes, and in the latest note we finished addictions. Here's to finishing what I started!

Giving Helpful Feedback

All of us can grow in this skill-- not for counseling alone, but in life! How many of us have not given a concentrated look of concern while our thoughts are 1000 miles away? How many of us have felt that we SHOULD respond somehow, but really feel clueless what to say?

There are various levels of feedback:
1) Respond to others words with something unrelated.
2) Give quick advise to the content another shared, though without feeling.
3) Acknowledge both content and feeling behind it.
4) Acknowledges content and feeling, and seeks to understand what the person desires from you by sharing it.
5) Acknowledges content, feeling, goals, and able to give helpful direction.

-Part of becoming a better listener means you must understand how YOU receive feedback. What feedback are you most fearful of hearing? How do you respond to feedback you don't want to hear? What behaviors do you exhibit in order to avoid negative feedback? What would you do if you learned not to avoid but to receive?

-Do not ask closed questions "Did you go out to lunch today?" but open questions "What was lunch like for you today?"

-When you are lost and don't know what to say, go back to that person's story.

-Avoid asking "Why?" The natural response is "because" and leads to an excuse to justify a behavior. Rather you can say "Help me understand that."

Help a person see the patterns of their communication:

-Are they telling stoic stories without emotion?
-Are they minimizing something hard?
-Are they initiating a power struggle? You can say "sounds to me like its important for you to lead."
-Call out the unspoken: "Your eyes look sad."
-Listen for the hidden belief under their behavior.
-Remember the images and metaphors they use to characterize their life. These can be powerful to return to.

Stay tuned for Dr. C.'s 'top secret of being a good counselor' :)

Easter Week Pics

Anyone know what this plant is called? I went to the park on Saturday... no flowers there, but found these intriguing green roses...













Pineapple sticks and candied fruit for sale



















Our Sun afternoon picnic & egg hunt:



















Little friends















And big ones too... K couldn't decide which hunt to join!


















































On a mission






































K opts for the "big kid" hunt, but solicits a little help :)



















On Monday, the girls and I went out and found flowers!



















Spring is Sweet!

WHAT is finished?

So what did Jesus mean when He shouted "It is finished" at His final moments on the cross? These cultural nuances add such richness and depth to his monumental phrase.

I love these insights from a post by my friend Judy, taken from Henry Oursler:

The three words “It is finished” are actually one word in the original Greek language: Tetelestai. That word was typically used in six scenarios in Greek culture. They give us insight into the greatness of our salvation.

1. The word would be used by an Artist – when completing the portrait, at the last brush stroke, he would cry out: Tetelestai! The picture is perfect.

2. The word would be used by a Servant – when all the duties he had been given were finished, he would shout: Tetelestai! The work is completed.

3. The word was be used by Judges – when the prisoner’s sentence was completed, the court would stamp on the document a word that indicated the sentence had been paid in full: Tetelestai! Justice has been served.

4. The word was used by Priests – it was a sacrificial term used when they found a lamb that was spotless and without blemish. They would declare: Tetelestai! We’ve found the perfect sacrifice.

5. The word was used by Merchants – it was business term employed when a person finished paying their bill completely. The merchant would write out the word: Tetelestai! Paid in full.

6. Finally, the word was used by a Victor – it was a battle cry yelled on the field of battle or at an athletic competition when the enemy was defeated: Tetelestai! It’s over.

Tetelestai – Because of what Jesus accomplished on the cross, IT IS FINISHED!