Making Relational Changes

...the kind that lasts!

Dr. Zink has said that lasting change to relational patterns happens in 3 steps:

1. You make a change. (Say you set a boundary... you will no longer step in and save the day in "x" way)

2. People you are close to react to that change. (You are NEEDED. They will DIE without you. They are angry. They are subtly manipulative. They pull away. They are cold. At 11:59, they are still not taking responsibility for themselves.)

3. You maintain the change.

Most people can complete #1, but after #2 happens, it is extremely difficult to maintain one's resolve when others are seeking to make sure you maintain your position in the relational system.

"Most family members would prefer peace to progress... Many family members or leaders can take the very first step of trying not to respond with their usual adaptive or reactive patterns. Very few, however, can maintain their resolve to hold that position when symptoms become more intense. This increases their anxiety, sabotages their resolve, and begins to draw them back into the triangle again."

Makes me wonder how much "true change" (i.e. "step 3 change") I've actually experienced/maintained in my life!