Asking Good Questions

Family Systems & the Counselor

Couples who are seeking help have usually identified a particular problem. One partner is angry about how the other keeps house, dresses, spends money, etc… If the counseling focuses on "the issue" it is dealing with a symptom and not the underlying emotional process. "Effective healing occurs when the counselor is less anxious to relieve the symptom and instead uses it as a pathway into the emotional system." i.e.- the problem is not their disagreements about disciplining their kids. The problem about disciplining is a pathway to the way that the couple communicates and the way discipline & communication about it was handled in their own families of origin.

Asking good questions is key-- (not just in the counseling, but in life!)
-Good questions bring out the communication dynamic in the relationship
-Good questions can playfully tone down the emotionality so the partner can hear
-Good questions can challenge the partner by taking his/her thinking to its ultimate extreme.
-Good questions are sometimes deliberately directed at the "wrong person"…
-Good questions keep yourself out of the "emotional triangle" (where perhaps one person is trying to "get you on their side") and maintain the non-anxious presence that is necessary to be a catalyst for change.

This is NOT non-directive; it's actually VERY directive and does the best job of moving the couple/person towards bringing lasting change.