Emotional Geometry

Emotional Triangles, that is:

Have you ever sought to help two people come together who are struggling in their relationship? Or ever sought to help someone see and own the harm they are causing themselves?

"When any two parts of a system become uncomfortable with one another, they will "triangle in" or focus upon a third person, or issue, as a way of stability their own relationship with one another. When individuals try to change the relationship of two others, they "triangle" themselves into that relationship -- and often stabilize the very situation they were trying to change."

It has been said "What Peter says about Paul tells you more about Peter than it does about Paul." In the concept of an emotional triangle, What Peter says to you about his relationship with Paul has to do with his relationship with you."

1. The relationship of any two members is kept in balance by the way a third party relates

to each of them.

2. If one IS the third party in an emotional triangle, it is generally not possible to bring change by trying to change their relationship directly. Attempts to change the relationship often trigger "homeostatic forces" which convert these efforts to their opposite intent. Trying harder to bring two people together, or a person and "taking responsibility for their issue" together, will generally maintain or increase the distance between them.

3. When a third party tries unsuccessfully to change the relationship of the other two, the more likely it is that the third party will wind up with the stress for the other two. This helps explain why the "dysfunctional member" in many families is often NOT the weakest person in the system, but on the contrary, often the one taking responsibility for the entire system.

4. We can only change a relationship to which we belong. Therefore the way to bring change to the relationship of two others is try to maintain a well-defined relationship with each, and avoid the responsibility for their relationship with one another. To the extent we can maintain a "non-anxious presence" in a triangle, this has the potential to modify the anxiety in the others. The problem is to be both non-anxious and present. Anyone can keep his or her own anxiety down by distancing, but that usually preserves the triangle.

I think this is fascinating! You?