Honesty in Relationships II

In part I, (read below from Tuesday), David Viscott draws on a lifetime of counseling experience in his conclusions about "telling the truth." More from his book…

"I realized that the name given a painful feeling depended on when the pain occurred.

Pain in the future was called anxiety.

Pain in the present was called hurt, and was experienced as sadness or disappointment.

Pain in the past was called anger.

When a person held in his anger, it turned on him and was experienced as guilt. Depression was the depletion of energy from holding anger inside."

When I analyzed the forces that kept these feelings hidden, I discovered that the same defenses that blocked feelings also blocked people from knowing or telling the truth…

"When a feeling was not expressed, it created a condition of tension. Emotional stress was simply the pressure of an unexpressed feeling. I called the condition of withholding feelings "Emotional Debt." Simply put, you owe the expression of a hidden feeling.

When you are in Emotional Debt, you suffer because you are afraid to tell the truth about your feelings. After a while, your defenses become more rigid and it is increasingly difficult to recall the truth. Your withheld feelings distort your life and consume your energy… The more honest a person was, the more resilient he became, and the easier it was for him to endure stress."

Two points became clear:

1. Emotional illness was a storage disease. (Emotions wrongly held inside.)

2. The secret of mental health was to tell the person who hurt you that they hurt you, when they hurt you.

Though Dr. Viscott is not speaking from a Christian perspective, it sure sounds like "The truth shall set you free" to me!

What do you think? Are you "emotionally debt-free?" Save Jesus, I doubt there is a human being alive who is completely debt free. But we can grow... how can we become more honest in relationships? Maybe starting with, how can we grow to be more honest with ourselves about what exists in our relationships?

Bishop Weekend

So far we've enjoyed 2 weekends at the Bishop's house-- Jim's sister Julie & her family. They live at Scott Air Force base just across the border in Illinois. The focal point of our gatherings has been UT football-- (but unfortunately we weren't together to watch their sad demise this weekend against UCLA.)-- and lots of "football food."

And a side bar about the Horned Frogs-- A shocking admission from my Longhorn loving husband last night, from whom I have faced merciless razzing on behalf of the frogs for many years, "TCU is playing like they would easily beat us (UT) right now." Yes, ranked #4 in the nation.

Back to the Bishop Saturdays'. The girls have loved time with cousins Emma & Ally!

































That weekend we also enjoyed 'front row' seats to the Blue Angels performing at an air show at Scott. Awe-inspiring sight! The precision & zero margin for error...truly amazing.

Honesty in Relationships

Sometimes the truth seems like a slippery concept.

If someone asked you if you had 6 cookies for breakfast, then truth, though embarrassing to admit, seems objective and measurable. It's right there around your waistline.

But if someone asked you if everything is OK between you, well then the truth just got a lot fuzzier. True words can be spoken in the wrong way, at the wrong time, or to the wrong person-- and that can make truth quite tricky to get your arms around. And still, what the truth even is can be quite difficult in the realm of emotions!

Here's what one Psychologist concluded about "truth-telling" in the counseling room. Dr. Zink said this is the best book on emotional well-being that we won't be asked to read during our program. From Emotional Resilience by David Viscott:

"If you lived honestly, your life would heal itself…As I look back on three decades of helping patients to cope with stress and understand their disappointments, this statement stands out as a singular truth. In nearly all the breakthroughs I have seen, it was the acceptance of some previously concealed truth that allowed healing to begin…The principal directive (of counseling) was to help the person become more truthful about his feelings. Being a counselor was a lot like begin a choreographer of emotions… The essence of family therapy came down to helping to raise the level of truth in communication between family members."

"It became clear that resolving most of life's difficulties required telling or hearing the truth. When a friendship went sour, it was usually because of a misunderstanding, a distortion of the facts. What friends yearned for was to have a chance to air the truth and set the matter straight. People's greatest regrets involved wishing they'd had the chance to tell the truth so someone could have known haw they really felt. When people said it was too late, they usually meant it was too late to tell the truth. The truth had power to heal, to protect, to guide. Living in truth was living free and at one's best."

"On the other hand, living in a lie eclipsed the joy of the world and lowered people's self-esteem. Concealing lies drained people's energy so they didn't have enough strength to do their best. It was harder to look out for themselves. When people lived in a lie, they seemed to invite trouble into their life rather than make it better."

Makes it sound so simple, doesn't he?

Part II on Thursday…

Pics of the House

Here are some long-promised pics of the house, taken before someone came over for dinner, which of course is the only time the house has been, (before or since), picture-worthy.

Starting with the backyard... I love the way the sun casts a shadow against the fence in the morning.














And here is Jim's most prized possession. Well, maybe 2nd to his guitar.














The living room-- love the vaulted ceiling.... I've hung a few more things up since then.



















Here's the view from the front door












From the living room into the kitchen. Not crazy about the two-tone white/wood cabinets. But I liked them better when I learned it would be over $100 per door to replace!














Master bedroom... not showing a fun little rocker in the corner, which I had when K was a baby.













The office down in the study: The book consummation

The 3am Wakeup

So glad to know I'm not the only one!

Is "Family Systems" in the Bible?

So if you're following this series of posts, you might be asking, what does this idea-- this notion that a problem is not found by looking at an individual, but the family system that person came from--have to do with faith? Can you find these principles (the last 2 weeks' posts) in the Bible?

This is a great question I want to explore further, because as Christians we want all our lives to come under the lens of Scripture, right? And it's a very relevant question for Christian counselors, because the idea of meshing Christianity with psychology is a highly debated issue. There is a wide spectrum between those who see the Bible as the only text for the counselor, those who give psychology precedence over the Bible, and every view in between. So, this post is aiming at a larger question--what is the proper relationship between Christianity and Psychology? Is it OK to take cues from secular psychology? Or should my advise only come from thoughts I can substantiate with verses in the Bible?

So is "family systems" (or other "extra-biblical" counseling models) supported in the Bible? My initial stab says both yes, and no.

Yes! As far as "family systems" supports a pervasive view of the effects of the fall, it is biblical.

Family systems does not use this terminology, but I think this is exactly what it does. The more I chew on this question, the more I think that one key element has to do with how you view sin. Is the individual's sin the main problem to tackle in the counseling room? (One brand of counseling says exactly that.) I believe the Bible supports the idea that "my own individual sin" is not the whole scope of the problem. The Bible teaches that individuals sin & are responsible, but the scope of sin is much bigger than that. Individual people, whole nations, political structures, the arts, culture, ecosystems, ants, mental and emotional processes, and every institution under heaven, have been influenced by the fall. Applied to counseling, it means that I am wise to look at the individual, AND all the "fall affected" influences (like family background, personal experiences, cultural influences) that have shaped a person, in comprehensively viewing their situation.

This view doesn't make the individual less responsible for individual choices, but I feel it actually takes sin MORE seriously, seeing its all pervasive effects. Thus, if I am seeking to help someone by identifying sinful thoughts and behaviors alone, I am missing a whole scope of factors contributing to their problem. Similarly I want to add that some people's issues are not a result of their own personal sin at all, rather resulting from sins committed against them. (Strong biblical support exists for this too!) But I will also fail them if I don't eventually help them see how the sin committed against them significantly shapes the driving influences of their hearts, i.e., their own sinful patterns, whether doubt, fear, lack of faith, etc...ultimately, a lack of love for God and people.

And so back to my question-- No! From another angle, Family Systems is not in the Bible.

Neither is the law of gravity, a map of the human development process, or instructions for baking a blueberry pie. And yet, we live our lives significantly helped and shaped by these discoveries that are not found in the Bible. Non-Christians can make pretty darn good observations about human behavior and how people work (and discoveries in other areas of science, arts, culture, etc...), in a sense (though perhaps unintentionally) continuing to discover the natural laws of the universe that God put forth but did not write down.

So while we as Christians take advantage of many of these extra-biblical discoveries without thinking, we still must strive to make Scripture the lens through which we view the world. In essence, God's truth always "trumps."

These are not my polished convictions, but my honest wrestling with a challenging question. What do you have to add?? What can you affirm? What am I not thinking about; where do you disagree?

And another post I'm brewing on next... so what's the point? What's the point of counseling, especially the kind we want to call "Christian?"

Asking Good Questions

Family Systems & the Counselor

Couples who are seeking help have usually identified a particular problem. One partner is angry about how the other keeps house, dresses, spends money, etc… If the counseling focuses on "the issue" it is dealing with a symptom and not the underlying emotional process. "Effective healing occurs when the counselor is less anxious to relieve the symptom and instead uses it as a pathway into the emotional system." i.e.- the problem is not their disagreements about disciplining their kids. The problem about disciplining is a pathway to the way that the couple communicates and the way discipline & communication about it was handled in their own families of origin.

Asking good questions is key-- (not just in the counseling, but in life!)
-Good questions bring out the communication dynamic in the relationship
-Good questions can playfully tone down the emotionality so the partner can hear
-Good questions can challenge the partner by taking his/her thinking to its ultimate extreme.
-Good questions are sometimes deliberately directed at the "wrong person"…
-Good questions keep yourself out of the "emotional triangle" (where perhaps one person is trying to "get you on their side") and maintain the non-anxious presence that is necessary to be a catalyst for change.

This is NOT non-directive; it's actually VERY directive and does the best job of moving the couple/person towards bringing lasting change.

The Myth of Compatibility

This last two weeks' posts have been reflecting on thoughts about Family Systems Theory, which we've been reading about in my Marriage & Family Counseling class. Go back and read the context if you're just now happening across these posts...

There is a widespread assumption that the key to a successful marriage is finding the "right match." A more accurate perspective is that it is not the ingredients of the mixture but the emotional crucible into which they are poured."

"Emphasizing compatibility is also misleading because it tends to isolate the marriage relationship from the two emotional fields in which it is always situated-- the nuclear family and the extended families of both partners."

How do these ideas reflect on eharmony.com; match.com?

Happy Birthday baby

Many memories, many miles, walking together with you.

Newlyweds, Great Wall, 1999














1st home, Dallas, 2002














New daddy, Dallas, 2003















The Big Texan, Amarillo, 2005














The man loves a campfire, Lake City, CO, 2005



















Daddy's strong arms, 2005



















New life in Singapore, 2005














Johor Bahru, 2006














Desaru Beach, 2006



















Christmas, 2006



















Koh Samui, 2008













Rocky Mountain National Park, 2009



















Goodbye to Beijing, 2010



















Saint Louis, September 2010

The Paradox of Seriousness and Playfulness

How many times are our struggles made worse by our "freaking out" about our having a struggle?

Here's a thought I've found very helpful, for my own tendency towards seriousness:

"The seriousness with which families approach their problems can be more the cause of the difficulties than the effect of the problems… Seriousness presents a paradox. If family members are not serious about their responsibilities, the family may become unstable and chaotic. But seriousness can also be destructive. Seriousness is more than an attitude; it is a total orientation, a way of thinking embedded in constant, chronic anxiety. It is a lack of flexibility in response, a narrow repertoire of approaches, persistent efforts to try harder, and a loss of perspective."

"Families that evidence such seriousness are as if surrounded by volatile fumes of anxiety, and any small incident can cause a flare-up. They will always assume that it was the incident that created the problem, but it is the way they relate and think that gives nay incident its inflammatory power. If changes can be made in such a noxious atmosphere then the fumes of anxiety disperse, and the sparking incidents of life lose their explosive potential."

"The antidote to seriousness is the capacity to be playful."

What do you do to cultivate a healthy sense of play?

What is Your Pain Threshold?

Taking Responsibility for Your Own Life, Emotions, & Actions

Thresholds for both physical and emotional pain are lower when we are functioning (with an unhealthy) dependency. Where members of a family are too quick to spare another pain, the resulting dependency tends to make the other's threshold fall. In addition, he or she will become addicted to having pain relieved through someone else's functioning.

"We cannot make another family member responsible by trying to make him or her more responsible. The very act of trying to make others responsible preempts their own responsibility. This is equally true whether the issue is study habits, drinking, or failure to take responsibility for one's daily life. Harsh scolding generally should not be seen as inflicting pain. It often succeeds in taking the sting out of their indolence, thus taking away the stimulus for motivation."

"There is however a way to be our brother's keeper… it require one to non-anxiously tolerate pain, and sometimes even to stimulate pain, thus forcing the other to increase his or her threshold."

Here's a great quote:

"Sticking someone with the pain of responsibility for his own her own life is far more "sobering" than giving the person black coffee afterwards."

Making Relational Changes

...the kind that lasts!

Dr. Zink has said that lasting change to relational patterns happens in 3 steps:

1. You make a change. (Say you set a boundary... you will no longer step in and save the day in "x" way)

2. People you are close to react to that change. (You are NEEDED. They will DIE without you. They are angry. They are subtly manipulative. They pull away. They are cold. At 11:59, they are still not taking responsibility for themselves.)

3. You maintain the change.

Most people can complete #1, but after #2 happens, it is extremely difficult to maintain one's resolve when others are seeking to make sure you maintain your position in the relational system.

"Most family members would prefer peace to progress... Many family members or leaders can take the very first step of trying not to respond with their usual adaptive or reactive patterns. Very few, however, can maintain their resolve to hold that position when symptoms become more intense. This increases their anxiety, sabotages their resolve, and begins to draw them back into the triangle again."

Makes me wonder how much "true change" (i.e. "step 3 change") I've actually experienced/maintained in my life!

Distancing

Distancing … Dealing With Anxiety in Relationships

We all do it, don't we?

"When family members (or people in close relationships) use physical distance to solve problems of emotional interdependency, the result is always temporary, or includes a transference of the problem to another relationship system."

"Most family members think of distance as a physical category rather than an emotional one. Accordingly, when they want more separation, they tend to resort to physical solutions. A husband who finds a wife's constant anxiety disturbing may spend more time on the internet; a wife who wants to get away from her perpetually critical husband may start to take half-hour showers, etc…"

"While such efforts often bring relief, generally the require a great deal of energy to maintain the relief, and in many situations, the same intensity just surfaces elsewhere."

"Distancing comes about because there is not enough distance to begin with. Marriage partners may separate because they have grown distant, but most couples probably separate because they are not able to achieve any separation at all."

"Getting distance must go beyond obtaining physical space. The capacity to define self in a relationship, and to control one's own reactive mechanisms, also creates space. The opposite is equally true: the quickest way to destroy distance is to over-function anxiously in another's space. Emotional distance must be measured in terms of resiliency rather than inches."

Have you seen this play out in your relationships?

Emotional Geometry

Emotional Triangles, that is:

Have you ever sought to help two people come together who are struggling in their relationship? Or ever sought to help someone see and own the harm they are causing themselves?

"When any two parts of a system become uncomfortable with one another, they will "triangle in" or focus upon a third person, or issue, as a way of stability their own relationship with one another. When individuals try to change the relationship of two others, they "triangle" themselves into that relationship -- and often stabilize the very situation they were trying to change."

It has been said "What Peter says about Paul tells you more about Peter than it does about Paul." In the concept of an emotional triangle, What Peter says to you about his relationship with Paul has to do with his relationship with you."

1. The relationship of any two members is kept in balance by the way a third party relates

to each of them.

2. If one IS the third party in an emotional triangle, it is generally not possible to bring change by trying to change their relationship directly. Attempts to change the relationship often trigger "homeostatic forces" which convert these efforts to their opposite intent. Trying harder to bring two people together, or a person and "taking responsibility for their issue" together, will generally maintain or increase the distance between them.

3. When a third party tries unsuccessfully to change the relationship of the other two, the more likely it is that the third party will wind up with the stress for the other two. This helps explain why the "dysfunctional member" in many families is often NOT the weakest person in the system, but on the contrary, often the one taking responsibility for the entire system.

4. We can only change a relationship to which we belong. Therefore the way to bring change to the relationship of two others is try to maintain a well-defined relationship with each, and avoid the responsibility for their relationship with one another. To the extent we can maintain a "non-anxious presence" in a triangle, this has the potential to modify the anxiety in the others. The problem is to be both non-anxious and present. Anyone can keep his or her own anxiety down by distancing, but that usually preserves the triangle.

I think this is fascinating! You?

Standing On Your Own Branch

This post is flowing from the previous posts started 2 days ago... go back and read those first if you'd like the background.

Differentiation

This captures the idea that the more a person is able to "stand on their own", owning their own thoughts and feelings as an individual, the more meaningfully a person can connect in other relationships. We all start out "undifferentiated"-- young children see the world as their parents interpret it for them... here I'm not so much talking about "views" as I am "emotional responses to life." But if we remain this way, we are not 'close to our family' as much as we are 'stuck to our family.'

"This is the capacity of a family member or member of close relational group, to define his or her own life's goals and values apart from surrounding togetherness pressures, to say "I" when others are demanding "you" and "we". It includes the capacity to maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of anxious systems, to take maximum responsibility for one's own life and emotional being."

Imagine two people who are fused to the ends of a twig. If one person is shaking the twig, the other will fall. But imagine two people who are connected to two branches shooting off the same twig. If one shakes, the other will feel the jolt, but not be torn from its own branch.

"When two people are stuck to the same twig, so to speak, the nature of the relationship may appear close. They may appear together, but they are really stuck together. They will wind up either perpetually in conflict, because they are so reactive to one another, or they will have a homey togetherness achieved through the total sacrifice of their own selves."

How do you see this play out in your family--both the family you grew up in, and with your own nuclear family?

Who is the "Patient"?

Read the previous post before reading this one.

Every family has stress pop up somewhere, sometime. Often, it is common for the family to identify this stress in a "problem member" as an isolated incident or unit, but that person's problem is more reflective of the system.

When someone comes to see a counselor, this person can be called the "identified patient" who is often seen as the "sick one." In family systems thinking, this family member with the most obvious symptom is NOT to be seen not as the "sick one" but as the one in whom the family's stress has surfaced…

The family's stress can surface not just in a "troubled" member, but also a "superpositive" or "super-functioning" member, such as an strikingly high achiever, or an overly responsible child.

What do you think of this idea?

Chaos at 6:30?

Today's picture- compliments of one of my favorite thought-provoking, pithy blog posters, twentytwowords.com.

Your Family Has a System

I have been especially intrigued with my Marriage & Family Counseling class, which I feel is helping me give words to what I believe about where our relational struggles come from. This next series of posts contain quotes and thoughts about Family Systems Theory… I find it fascinating! Wish I could sit down and chat about this with so many of you out there who are interested in counseling... though its implications go far beyond counseling!

Much of this material comes from Generation to Generation, a book written by Edwin Friedman.

Family Systems

Every family operates in a system, where the members of the family adopt particular roles that play out in the way that family communicates & relates. Your position continues to play an integral role in the way you communicate and function in relationships for the rest of your life.

Seeking to change in a particular struggle as an individual without understanding the position you play in your relationships... won't work!

"Our individual problems have more to do with our relational networks, the makeup of others' personalities, where we stand within the relational systems, and how we function within that position."

The family system is highly resistant to change! Here is an example my friends in China can appreciate:

"Under every sink (in the US and not in China!) is a vertical looped cylinder. The purpose of this trap pipe is to prevent noxious gasses from entering the system. Every time it fills up or "chokes" on the influx, it saves the house and the entire network. But now let us animate those pipes. Suppose one of those traps under a sink decided to straighten itself out. We may well imagine the increased anxiety in the others, some of which might well "go through the roof." And it would seem right to guess that they would do everything they could to pressure that newly autonomous pipe not to straighten itself out, or, if that were too late, to bend it back in shape again."

In other words, the relational networks you developed in are highly resistant to you seeking to give up your position in the network! This plays out, not just in nuclear families, but extended families, in work and organizational environments, and groups (like churches) that function in ongoing relationships.

"Often such systems can have a lot of togetherness, but the "circuit-breaker" effect of self (or the straight pipe in the previous example), necessary for a system to survive crisis, is missing. It has less togetherness than stuck-togetherness."

Agree? Disagree? Thoughts?

Anxiety

"Families agree not to talk about anxiety, in an unspoken pact of silence. Anxiety is always there, whether we know it or name it. What tells you if you are maturing, non-reactive, but responsive, is what you do with that anxiety. When you feel it, can you keep thinking anyway? Or does it incapacitate you? Can you embrace what's there and name it? If you can't name it, it's still driving you. The fuel for family dynamics is anxiety." --Dr. Dan Zink

Why Do We Do Community?

Why do we do community?
Because God didn't say "I will be your God, and you will be my one and only person." He said, "I will be your God, and you will be my PEOPLE."

Why do we do community?
Because outsiders don't say "Wow! Look at the power of their arguments!" They say, "Look how they love each other."

What are some other reasons?
(Because sometimes, in the messiness of it, you need to remind yourself:)