Kathryn is my very verbal, very emotive, ever-aware-of-every-feeling-in-the-depths-of-her-heart-and-sparing-no-effort-to-articulate-them child. She is God’s gift to me because (at least one reason is) she pushes me to grow in healthy dealing with emotions. Giving voice and ‘leaning into’ her feelings yet trying to teach her not to let them control her is a lesson I am still learning myself.
Yesterday we were watching the Lion King together. You know the part where King Mufasa lies dead at the bottom of the ravine, and Scar swoops down to lay the blame on Simba? At this point, Kathryn starts chiming in agreeing with Scar, listing reasons for Simba’s faults.
“No, Kathryn, it wasn’t Simba’s fault. It was Scar’s fault.”
“NO, mommy, Simba killed his daddy.”
(I turn the movie off—we need to get this right. I insert all the reasons that Scar, and not Simba, is to blame for his death.)
“NO, mommy, it WAS Simba’s fault. And you can’t convince me it wasn’t!”
(I sense something deeper going on…)
“Kathryn, why do you think you are so upset about Simba?”
“It’s JUST like what happened with the jumprope today!"
(Aha! There was something under there!)
“What happened today, Kathryn?”
(Story comes out that during recess, a Chinese girl left her jump rope on the ground. Kathryn and her friend Faith find it and play with it. The little girl wants her jump rope back, and she and Kathryn start fighting pulling at either end. The rope snaps, and Kathryn runs away.)
“You see mom, it’s all Faith’s fault, because if she hadn’t found the jumprope, it never would have broken.”
(The light is going off in my head—it’s important to her that Simba is to blame, just like it’s important that Faith is to blame!)
“Kathryn, do you see why it’s silly to say Faith is to blame? That’s like saying, ‘It’s my teacher’s fault, because she brought us out to the playground.’ Or ‘It’s daddy’s fault, because he took me to school today.’
“You're right, mommy-- it IS my teacher’s fault!”
(OK, regroup, we're moving in the wrong direction…)
“Kathryn, tell mommy how you feel about what happened with the jumprope.”
(Then something flows out of her mouth that completely floors me--)
“Mommy, I feel ashamed, and that feels yucky. And so I get angry instead, because it’s nicer to feel angry than ashamed. The anger is like a cover over the shame.”
I’m not joking. I’m quoting it exactly like she said it! She is 5! I am stunned and stumble to recover. This child needs a gospel moment. But how to best bring it? We spend several minutes talking about how God is not disappointed in her, but rather desires that she COME to Him seeking forgiveness and grace. He knows she is naturally selfish, loves her deeply anyway, and freely offers the only resources to give her a heart full and love and kindness towards her friend.
Yet at every turn, she resists, still running from the broken jump rope. It was as if I could feel her active defiance. Not against me, but refusal to turn towards grace. 'I WILL NOT ask for help. I WILL solve this myself.' On the one hand she has SHOCKING, MIND-BOGGLING awareness of what is going on in the depths of her heart. Yet on the other hand, a complete refusal to receive the grace that her heart most needs.
I stop to wonder, How often do I too actively resist grace, yet am completely unaware?
Will you stop for a moment and pray for Kathryn? Would you ask that God would reveal to her sensitive heart that He is ever FOR her, "gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and truth?" And while you are praying for Kathryn, would you pray it for her mommy too? :) This is His merciful offer of relationship and restoration for 5 and 35 year old children alike!
How about you? We all have our jump ropes.
2 comments:
Kathryn, thank you for putting words to your feelings that all of us can relate to...what insight you have, sweet girl! I too often cover my shame with anger as well. I agree that anger is "easier" to feel than shame. I love you, sweet Kathryn, and appreciate you describing what's going on in your heart because it helps so many of us see the similar things that go on in our own hearts, too. I am looking forward to seeing you this summer and learning more from you (and your precious Mommy). My kiddos will be so excited to play with their Texas friend again! love, wendy
Tracie,
I have come back to this post a few times, stunned at how articulate Kathryn is for such a young girl, yet I so relate to her struggle being more than 30 years older than her! I'm thankful, too, that you shared this story to see how you handled it with her. What an exchange the two of you had, and I appreciate the questions you asked to probe her heart. Well done, Mommy, and will pray for you sweet one who I can so relate to being a very sensitive, emotive person myself! What freedom we find when we know His grace... and that love (not anger) covers a multitude of sins.
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