Why the Toothpaste is a Big Deal

You stumble into the bathroom, and there it is.

The toothpaste tube laying on its side, no top, squeezed in the middle.

How many years have you been married? How many times have you made it clear that you like it squeezed from the bottom? As you flatten again, you begin to think, "I'm not sure I really matter to her/him." The proof is there on the bathroom counter the next morning too… and the next.

You bring it up. (maybe even explode) "I'm so tired of asking you to squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom. (!!!xxx#$!!!)" Or maybe it's cloaked in sarcasm. "You'd think after 5 (10, 15, 20) years of marriage, you would have learned how to squeeze the toothpaste right." Your spouse gets angry that you are making such a big deal of the *** toothpaste. You are both convinced that the other is an unloving nincompoop.

You stop mentioning the toothpaste. And a dozen other little things. Socks. Unflushed toilets. Unwiped countertops... insert your own issue. Why bother? They don’t really care anyhow. You shut up and withdraw. You stop talking in the name of peace. Maybe you are ashamed that the toothpaste matters to you. Maybe you convince yourself that it's ok… a mature adult should be able to deal with the idiosyncrasies of a nitwit. But everyday, you see the tube… and something is happening emotionally, driving a wedge.

Is this really about toothpaste?

Do I matter? Do my emotions count? What your heart really wanted, from the first day of the toothpaste incident, is that your spouse would affirm again, "You really matter to me. I want to remember the little things that are important to you." But in the fight-over-the-toothpaste-that-was-never-about- toothpaste, your connection to the other is diminished over again and again. The heart of the matter…being affirmed that you are important to them…keeps getting missed. A slow downward spiral of distance happens day after day.

What would have happened if the conversation went differently? What if you had realized from the start that it was about your heart? What if you'd talked about your heart instead of the toothpaste? What if your spouse knew that you needed love more than a flat tube?

Maybe it's time to have a new kind of conversation.

[Hear more about this perspective in Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Dr. Sue Johnson, who is the developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.]