Feb Fam Fun

This last week we took some vacation time at a hotel about 1 1/2 hrs from our city. It would have been easier to stay in town, but it was really important to me to leave town! I'm so glad we did. We have talked about going to Malaysia or Singapore or Thailand on our next visa trip, but I think you need a vacation when it's the middle of the LONG winter! There were almost NO other guests there. Such a nice treat!

The pool was the big attraction! There were 3 indoor pools, 1 adult and 2 kid size. We spent every morning at the pool.


































Bowling was a big flop. It's harder than I remembered for a 5/6 year old to get a heavy ball down the lane to hit anything. But we were happy at the start.















Horsebackriding, on the other hand, was a big hit!



















No, I'm not trying to show off my egg head jacket, but that cheesy Ellie grin!! :)






































K especially enjoyed it, and GG, hoped you'd pass along to Ms. Linda, that she is now a "qi ma zhuan jia", that means "horse riding expert."















Here was the view out our window. A lovely, albiet frozen, winding river. Hey wait, where's the smoke stack? Where's the subway and the traffic?? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.











See the pagoda in the last picture? Here's a daddy pic with the girls from up there.



















There was also a 100 meter ski slope. I thought that meant the hill was 100 meters tall. No, it meant that from the top to the bottom of the slope was 100 meters. Here are the girls pretending they are skiing down, and a view of the unusual architecture of the building.



















To contrast the frigid temps, there was also a greenhoused tropical garden; it didn't feel like we were inside, but we were... it had lovely fountains, palm trees and berry bushes.






































All in all, a great vacation!

Soul Care #20: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Anxiety continued...

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Obsessions are thoughts or ideas that you cannot stop thinking about. Compulsions are those things you do to calm yourself. The DSM (standard measure of psychological disorders) defines a person with OCD as one who is affected by these obsessive/compulsive patterns for more than 1 1/2 hrs a day. OCD comes from a commitment to control and to create order.

When you see yourself reacting in compulsive ways, (because don't we all do this at times?) you need to stop and ask yourself, what am I really longing for that is not being met? Don't 'go underground' with your issues, even if others don't recognize them. Realize initially that when you choose to stop the compulsive behavior, your anxiety will go up, not down.

If you are seeking to help a person recognize their strategies, the person may initially perceive that you are against them rather than for them. Be very careful when you pull the rug out from under a person's strategies, because they may not yet be ready and you may not know what is under their contorl issues.

For a child who is responding in compulsive ways, the parent must work to replace the behavior with the security of relationship.

For an adult, what begins to change a person's compulsive behavior is realizing the cost their choices are having on others they care about. You must give up the role of trying to fix and take care of them in ways that enable their behavior. At the right time, He can use your courage of honestly communicating your sorrow over their choices to change them.

Soul Care #19: Panic Attacks

Anxiety continued

Panic attacks are another manifestation of anxiety. They are a real physiological phenomenon that feels like a heart attack. They usually look like raised blood pressure, increased heart rate, feelings of breathlessness, tightness in the throat, sweating. It is the body's reaction to significant stress, not usually from a direct trigger but a past one. It is the result of a build up that the body can't physically taken anymore. It usually lasts 5-6 minutes, and then it's over. It is highly embarrassing for them because they truly feel out of control of their own body.

A minor example of this is like what happened when you pushed yourself in college during finals. You put up it as long as you need to, and afterwards you get sick. The body cannot avoid eventually reacting to pent-up stress in some physical way.

To help a friend in the middle of an attack, get them to breathe with you slowly. Acknowledge their anxiety. Help them relax, close their eyes, think about restful places. Later on when they are able to talk, don't be afraid to discuss it openly with them. Sometimes people who have had attacks panic about future panic, become reclusive and pull away so they won't be embarrassed again. When you speak it outloud, it doesn't have the same overpowering effect. You can help them think about what a previous triggering event to the onset of stress may have been.

Soul Care #18: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Anxiety continued...

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder used to be called Combat Fatigue, as it was first diagnosed from early data of soldiers who never fully 'came back' from battle. Their lives afterwards centered around avoidance, experience of flashbacks and dreams, highly reactive, and unable to sustain relationships.

Yet this phenomenon describes not just soldiers, but also others who experience life-threatening situations that were out of their control. People generally deal with stress by either 'fight' or 'flight.' But if you are a soldier who cannot run and cannot fight at that moment, the trauma of the event sometimes becomes 'frozen' inside. It will eventually thaw and return to the surface.

In WWII, there were low numbers of PTSD sufferers. In Vietnam and Iraq, there were high occurences of PTSD. Research showed that WWII soldiers who returned home on boats where they had time to share their stories and heal the frozen parts. They were also recieved home as heroes. Vietnam vets were criticized and told to hide. They were also sent home on planes and immediately returned to their homes with none who had experienced their stress.

The 'cure' is to thaw. Yet this is extremely scary because they are committed to not reliving painful memories. Sometimes God in his grace allows a person to forget until they are ready to deal with it. Thus, remembering is a sign that they are getting better, not worse.

How about anxiety medication?
Just like in depression, sometimes people DO need physical help to reset their body's chemicals. Yet just like when taking medication for depression, a person cannot resolve their difficulties with medicine alone.

The Western view of the body is much more inclined to 'fix' problems with medication. We don't tend to think about how lifestyle choices, schedules, exercise, healthy diets, etc... factor into a person's overall well-being. We can also tend to segment what is spiritual. We think reading our Bible and asking to be filled with the Spirit should provide what we need, but we fail to consider how to care for our bodies, minds, and spirits as an integrated whole.

For Lynn

My friend Lynn passed away today. She had battled cancer for over 2 years, but the last weeks of her life passed more quickly than anyone anticipated. 12 days ago, she was given 3-6 months to live. I wanted to write her and her husband a letter. It seemed I had awhile to do that, but the tone of her husband John's updates was feeling more immanent, and I felt I shouldn't wait. I wrote them a letter this morning and left it on my desktop to send when I got home from church today. When I logged on to send it, I learned that she died this morning. As a tribute to her life, I share their letter with you.

Dear John & Lynn,

I keep fumbling around for the right words to say to express my heart to you both. I think of you when I awake in the middle of the night and I am impressed to bring your faces to our Father throughout the day.

Our lives have been so sweetly touched by your care as our stories have intersected. You were as a rock to us in the storms of Singapore. The kind wisdom and words of encouragement to Jim in conflict, and to me as a young mom looking for my place, have been treasures to us. Our reconnections here in China as well have always been a joy to our souls. The girls will always remember you as the ones who brought them Cadbury chocolate eggs at Easter :) You are both so gifted by the Lord, cherishers of Life, mentors and cheerleaders for so many throughout the globe.

And even in this dark journey, your lives have been offering much guidance to me. I know you are weak and needy, but what exudes from you is His quiet confidence and courage. Lynn you have truly “Been Well While You’re Ill.” As I was reflecting with the Lord this morning I realized something about your struggle. There is a good fighting for life, a "fighting the good fight", and another restless and ambivalent kind. You are fighting the good fight, but you are resting, resting, resting. And it is beautiful, and free. You are not resting in the hope of healing. You are trusting in the One who heals. There is a big difference.

Jim and I were watching The Two Towers last night. Sam’s words to Froto at the end of that movie seemed to me a picture of your struggle.

“I can’t do this Sam.”

“I know. It’s all wrong, by rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stoires, Mr. Froto. The ones that really matter. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when it shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stay with you; that meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. I think Mr. Froto, I do understand. Folk in those stories had lots of chances to turn back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because there were holding onto something.”

“What are we holding onto Sam?”

“That there’s some Good in this world, Mr. Froto, and it’s worth fighting for.”

You are treasured by the One who is good. Thank you for fighting the fight, dear friends, with restful hearts. Praise to Him who enables and strengthens and holds you fast. We know, it is Him.

With love and gratefulness,

Tracie

Soul Care #17: Anxiety

Anxiety Disorders

ROOTS: We don't control the things that most matter to us. I can't control if my loved ones will be alive tomorrow, or if my kids will be ridiculed today, or how long I will live... When BIG things in life are worrysome, you grow anxious. Anxiety is always tied to control. (Ok, I want to say that again, and ponder it a minute more. Anxiety is ALWAYS tied to control.)

In the US after 9/11, the US expereinced the daily worry of the rest of the world when we realized that we were wrong to assume "something like that would never happen here." Anxiety disorders spiked. The national sense of being in control was exposed. So, if you can't win a big battle, then you will fight little ones instead.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is about control. All of us have these tendencies at times, but some of us express them in ways that are more strange than others. If I wash my hands continually, I feel I can control. (More about OCD on another day.)

We know we're 'supposed' to say that God is in control. Yes, we should become enamored with the One who is in control. But to push a person to trust who doesn't even understand their anxiety isn't helpful. Some respond with stoicism. "It really isn't that big a deal." But a healthy person acknowledges how terrified they are, and learns to move towards Him in that.

Again, biology comes into play. Gender, brain chemistry, hormones, etc... all come into play. When biology is involved, it's very unhelpful to throw around spiritual ideals.

Men's desires to be valued can be found lots of cheaper ways, like through work, sports activities, or something silly like who can burp the loudest. Women's desirse to be valued and delighted in are usually more visceral and causes many women to grasp after things that aren't available. Control can look passive or aggressive.

You can ask this person questions to help them identify what they are trying to control or what areas of their life feel out of control. Many controlling habits come from dutiful, unconscious vows made when they were young... "I will never be embarrassed/ controlled/ wrong, etc... like that again."

More on anxiety coming...

Soul Care #16: Impact of Identity

The Impact of Identity

In Genesis 17, God essentially says to Abraham, "I see you differently now. I want you to see you differently." How you see God, and how you see yourself, will deeply impact you. We were made to be free and alive, and those things that make you 'feel' most alive, even illigitimately, will draw you back.

God calls Abraham by a new name, thus giving him a new identity. Your name changes when you put your faith in Christ; you belong to another. An adopted son may cry all the time before AND after he is adopted, but everything changes for the child when he is adopted. Just as most slaves remained on the property of their masters after the end of the Civil War, so we too continue to live as slaves after we've been declared free.

In Roman law, you could legally disown a biological child, but you could never 'undo' a legal adoption. So when Paul says "You've been given the spirit of adoption as sons", the reader would have heard, "Now everything for you has changed forever."

Dr. C, "When I counsel someone I pray, "Let me see this person through your eyes and give me the courage to say what you show me... Let them live in the weight of their new name."

They must be reminded whose they are, because you will be faithful to who you really believe you belong to.

Midnight Fireworks

Yeah, I figured out the video thing. Just a 12 second clip of the midnight craziness on Chinese New Year's Eve.

(If you too have this problem, you can go to "settings" and near the bottom of the page select "old editor" and "save changes." It will restore your video icon to the toolbar.)

Fireworks Fun

I keep trying to post a short video here but the 'video link' appears to be gone from my toolbar.  Anyone know how to get it back? 

This past Saturday night was Chinese New Year's Eve, the Year of the Tiger. This celebration is unlike any other-- among other things, ear-splitting fireworks that go ON and ON and ON for DAY after DAY after DAY.  All types of fireworks are available to the general public and there are no restrictions in our part of town.

On Saturday night we did sparklers and other 'small time' fireworks near our house, but there were plenty of the big league kind to enjoy!

The noise really kicked up by about 11:45, and Kathryn woke up and came into the bedroom.  Jim, K & I enjoyed a very sweet hour wrapped up in a blanket together by the window sill, watching the display.  It truly felt like the greatest show on earth!

If I can get the video clip up, you'll see what I mean!

Soul Care #15: Personality Disorders

Personality Disorders

These come from traumas that are deeply engrained in how a person feels, thinks, and relates to their world. There are 2 that Dr. C. highlighted, because he feels they are common but easily missed in our line of work. He didn't so much guide us in how to counsel, but just to recognize them, so we could seek help.


Borderline Personality Disorder
A person who has been deeply rejected can so fear abandonment that they communicate "come here, go away, come here, go away." They draw you in deeply, and then wear you out and reject you. There is always unresolved drama around this person. The way they feel about you continually fluctuates. They begin a relationship with you telling you about all the others who have disappointed them, and some can be drawn into be the one who won't disappoint them. They will rip your team, company, organization, etc... apart. This person is committed to having only one person involved with them, and that is why you MUST get help.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder
These people have a deep sense of entitlement without empathy for anyone else. Sometimes these people make good leaders initially because they are initiating and ambitious, but they will take you down. They are only concerned about themselves. We are all selfish at times, but this person feels no sadness on behalf of others. If you don't hurt when someone else is hurting, you are capable of doing some very mean things. There is a fragileness under their vibrato. When they are hurt, they do feel hurt, but only on their own behalf. They look competent at first because they are driven and highly motivated. This usually comes from something deeply engrained from their background that they won't be able to overcome without much help.

After reading the dismay on some faces, Dr. C said "People with these disorders have no self-awareness that they have them, so if you think you have this, you don't! :)"

Soul Care #14: Depression continued

Depression continued...

An example-
A person who is dealing with a loss enters a natural grieving process. This can be a loss of a loved one, a loss of a job, a loss of a friend who moved away. The grief is a healthy birthing process that should end in hope. An unhealthy grief brings forth no hope, with a commitment to protect rather than face. Because feeling becomes so painful, we become committed to live without feeling. Loving counsel helps a person feel the disappointment and move toward God in it, who is the only one who can heal their hearts.

Depression is not an even playing field
People's bodies are different. Some are more susceptible to the fruit of depression than others. There is a real biological component. You can help a person change their goal and it will address their depression in the spiritual/emotional side, but they still may need some biological help. You must consider this person as a whole individual-- their body, their emotions, their spiritual life are a cohesive unit and must all be addressed.

How do you know if something is a spiritual problem vs. a biological one?
1)How early did the onset of the problem occur? (personal history)
2)Is there a family history?
3)Are their circumstances that explain it? If the behavior doesn't make sense, then it tends to lean more biological.

The earlier the problem, the more family history of it, the less the circumstances explain the behavior-- the more biology is likely to be involved.

But even where there is a large biological component, there is always a partial emotional and spiritual element also. God uses all of these elements-- our physical bodies, our emotions, and our spirit, to draw us to Himself.

Soul Care #13: Fruits & Roots of Depression

If you're just happening across this series, these are the notes from Dr. C's counseling class. I'm processing them outloud. Join me!

Depression

Charles Spurgeon, Martin Luther, William Cowper all struggled with depression.

What does it look like?
There is a godly sadness because there is something wrong with everything this side of heaven. But this is not depression. The church fathers called depression the "Dark Night of the Soul"-- not as a negative thing but a place where God is working.

FRUITS:
The looks of depression are measured by intensity and length. Depression is a sadness that is no longer tied to circumstances.It can look like low energy, or agitated energy; low appetite, insomnia, or 'mid-somnia' (you wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep.) You quit doing the things you used to do, and a hopelessness sets in. You have trouble making decisions, (not big ones--everyone has trouble with those, but little ones.)

ROOTS:
Depression starts with a blocked, unreachable, unattainable goal. A person's first reaction is disappointment. You miss a flight. First you are dissappointed, and then you get angry. This heightens your creativity about how to catch another flight. But when you realize that all your efforts wont' work, the anger shifts to hopelessness.

You can make a recovery from a missed flight. But what about the deep goals of life? What if those goals are blocked? What if your goal is to be called your father's beloved child? Direct quote: "Out of the longing to hear that creates a drivenness that causes some to come to China."

Maybe your goal is "I want my dad to approve." Or "I want to do something big for God." Or "I want to be a hero." Sometimes in the middle of a heroic journey, you realize you've gotten something you didn't sign up for. First you get angry and try harder, and then you begin to get depressed.

How you help a person in the midst of depression?
You help them walk backwards from depression >> anger >> disappointment >> the goal that's not being met. Help them look for their wrong strategies along the way, and be curious about the unattainable goals in their life. Rarely do we examine what our goals really are. There is a difference between a goal and a desire.
"I want people to like me." This is a natural desire, but an unhealthy goal.

I'll break this up into 2 parts... Depression II tomorrow... is this depressing? :)

The Truth about Parenting

"Parenting is an invitation to suffering because no one really knows what to do...  Perhaps the greatest task of parenting is humbly staying involved even when we don't have a clue what to do."

--In How Children Raise Parents, by Dan Allender, self-proclaimed at-times-clueless-parent

Doesn't that make you feel better?

Soul Care #12: Life of the Counselor

The Life of the Counselor

Aside from the person who is standing in front of you asking for your counsel, there is a whole additional dynamic of what is happening in your own heart as you interact with them.

1) Are you aligned with God's purposes? People want you to change their circumstances and change their feelings, and you must own that you can't do either of these. You can however help them see how God wants to use their problem to draw them to Him. If someone comes to you hungry and desperate, you must resist all desires to be their savior. You are not there to make them feel better per say, but to truly care for their soul.

2) Are you addressing the real issue of their heart? Often the 'presenting problem' is just a doorway to the real issue. For example, is someone is doubting their salvation, you can explore that, but you also need to ask why it would be such a struggle to believe that God wouldn't abandon them.

3) Know thyself. What is the nature of your personality as it interplays with theirs? Is this a person you will tend to be drawn towards? A person you will find difficult to speak the truth to? A person you will tend to lack sympathy for? You have to know these things as you walk in.

You can fake a lot of things, but you can't fake counseling. The person in front of you is reading your every move because their life depends on it. Your relationship with them is what God is using to heal, so how you live, even if they never know, really does matter. You cannot take someone further than you are, especially in soul care.

Soul Care #11: Towards a Model of Counseling

Towards a model of counseling...

Many good counselors have very different models. While admitting that no counseling session cleanly follows any "4 step plan," a good counselor should be able to clearly articulate where/how they leading you.

Here is Dr. C's model in the counseling room, which feels equally helpful for general conversation... I thought of breaking this up into 4 pieces since each one requires some thought. But I think it's helpful to see the whole thing laid out together...

Stage 1: Reactors
Most people enter the counseling conversation as reactors. They bring you a problem that bothers them that they do not understand. They simply respond to life as it comes to them without knowing why.

Positively, this person has begun to see that they do not see. You are there to help them see. To move them to the next stage of awareness, you must help them reflect on disaapointments and unmet longings in their situation, both present and past. These are the questions that help them see why they do the things they do.

Stage 2: Sinned against Sinners
As a person uncovers the major disappointments and unmet desires of their hearts, they begin to see where their patterns of behavior come from. There are logical reasons for the relational choices they have made, and you cannot bypass the hurts of their soul to uncover these.

Yet stopping here leaves a person wounded and self-absorped victim. The goal of your counseling is not so they will understand themselves better, but to love Christ and others better. Thus you must move them to identifying the ways that their relational strategies are harming others.

Stage 3: Independent Agents
Yes, we have been sinned against, but we are also responsible for our choices. In what ways is this person living out of their damage which is causing damage to others? Once the person understands the damage in their souls (stage 2), they are ready to make this change because they see how this happened. Change starts to take place where they understand and make choices to love differently by the power of the gospel.

Some people try to skip stage 2 and move straight into stage 3. This type of person who tries to "white knuckle" himself into better choices will still feel insane because they still don't understand their own soul.

As a person in stage 3 begins to see how they have experienced and perpetuated the effects of the Fall,
you draw the person to see how they damage others when they choose to live out of pain instead of hope.

Stage 4: Dependency upon Christ
As you attempt to move away from long-held unhealthy strategies, you realize how much you desperately need Him. Your only hope is a deeply rooted trust in the One who is changing you.

Secular counseling only takes a person up through Stage 2. Of course it is a positive thing to help people live better, but then comes the struggle of life afterwards. What difference does it make to a person once they are no longer addicted? There is still an empty and unfilled hunger for more. This is a great place to enter the gospel!

So when a person comes to you, or you are trying to evaluate your own difficulties, the model may help you evaluate where you are and what you may need to move forward in your struggle.

Ellie's Party Play

For her birthday, Ellie requested a play of Jesus' birth.  I suppose this came on the heels of the recent Christmas season, but the idea was all her own.  So I set off to plan how many kids were necessary for a basic nativity skit... apparently the number is 16.  What were we thinking?

Ellie of course played Mary, (isn't she the cutest little Mary you've ever seen?:), and K was an angel.

Let the play begin... Mary & co-actor Joseph

"Mary was so afraid!" ... (and a hiding wiseman)

No room in the inn

Shepherds, sheep & angels

King Herod

All come to worship Jesus

;

All and all the play was a quality production and Mary gave a stirring performance.  Though Ellie decided that perhaps next year, we'll go a little smaller.  Her playwright agrees.

Soul Care #10: Dimensions of "Self-Help"

Most self-help materials fall into 3 general categories:

1) Your problem is due to you behavior. Stop doing something you are doing.
2) Your problem is due to you mind. Something needs to change about the way you think.
3) Your problem is due to your feelings. Something is blocked that needs to be released.

A common combination is "cognitive-behavioral", which says you must change the way you think, and then this will change the way you act. Understand it, then fix it.

The problem with these dichotomous distinctions is that Christ deals with all three of these dimensions at different times, as He always knows what is the necessary entry point into every heart.

Cultures and denominations also tend towards one of these three categories. Every culture, organization, church, group, etc... reflects both dignity and depravity.

Jesus holds the tension of these three together: How I think, how I feel, how I behave is one cohesive whole.

Happy Birthday little Ellie

Happy Birthday to my little Ellie who is 5 today! Mommy & Daddy are so delighted God gave us you!