Stand Corrected

I was wrong. It did not rain yesterday. The skies are not clear and sunny today. In fact, when I opened the curtains this morning, I couldn't see the building next door. But then, that just further proves my point! :)

Controlling Rain

It’s going to rain tomorrow. How do I know? Not because I’m a budding meteorologist or psychic. I don’t even need to look out the window. But because this is China. And October 1^st will always be a clear and sunny day. In the same way that November 15 is declared “cold” and March 15 is predictably “warm.” Weather, among other things, can be reliably manipulated for our purposes.

Few things in life offer such certainty. The Chinese government plays to a basic human desire to have predictable control always within one's grasp. OK, be honest, don’t you want that too? Don’t you wish you could say,

“On October 1, 2009, my children will deeply love each other and cease fighting forevermore.”

OR

“On October 1, 2009, from this day forward, my husband will fully grasp and respond to my every concern.”

OR

“On October 1, 2009, this annoying ____ (fill in your blank—person, habit, environment, job, conflict, relationship, will GO AWAY FOREVER.)

OR how about (why hold back?)

“On October 1, 2009, I will reach perfected maturity.”

We orient our lives this way in our will to control, don’t we? I may not be able to reign in my emotional state, but I can make sure my house is spotless! Or maybe an illusion of control comes through exercise, eating habits, or the internet? Or maybe it’s much more subtle than that… Undetectable manipulations in relationships—avoiding certain people, excessive busyness, compulsive niceness? Sometimes our desire for control can become so insidious, we don’t even see it ourselves.

In a brief search, google promises me I can gain control over:

-my enemies

-pain

-stress

-acne

-emotional spending

-my career

-my mind

-your mind (You can't stop me; I'm actually doing this to you right now.)

A quote for thought:

“Relying on the will (self-control) to make things happen keeps us focused on the self. Life lived with resolve and determination is life lived apart from surrender. It is living with clenched-fisted doggedness. It is living the illusion that I can be in control. It is the rule of life lived in the kingdom of self... Jesus invites us to come to him and relinquish the control of our life. He invites us to give up our desperate and illusory striving after autonomy. He also invites us to abandon the isolation and rigidity associated with our egocentricity. And in their place, he offers rest, fulfillment, and the discovery of our true and deepest self in Christ. When we take this step of surrender, we suddenly discover the place for which we have been unconsciously longing. Like a tool seized by a strong hand, we are at last where we belong; we know we have been found."

Surrender to Love: Discovering the Heart of Christian Spirituality by David Benner, pg 58, 60

All this insight from the Chinese government? It’s just that now I’m thinking it’s not too strange, making it rain. I’m actually feeling a bit sympathetic now. Don’t we all try to play God sometimes? Well, I can promise you one thing-- as sure as I'm going to be perfect tomorrow, I know it's going to rain.

Wedding Weekend

This weekend we took a quick away for "Auntie Glo's" wedding. It was beautiful, and I have to apologize for the atrocious quality of these photos. There were only these few even worth posting, and they aren't great. Then Sunday the girls enjoyed a last swim of the season. The final highlight was an afternoon coffee date with Agnes, and baby Charissa.The last pic is a clip of her--such a cutie!

Something to Ponder...

“What greater thing can a thing do than what that thing was designed to do?”

This phrase I wrote in my journal some 14 years ago. (It wasn't my quote, but I'm not sure WHO said it...) When I came across it this week, I stopped to ponder for awhile...

There's a general sense in which we are all created for the same purpose-- to worship God. Peoples of all nations praising Him around His throne, right?

But then there's a specific sense in which we were uniquely designed to reflect Him in certain ways distinct from others. We are His masterpiece, created in Him for good words, which He prepared in advance for us to walk in, yes? But that process of knowing yourself and the uniqueness He has placed in you... well, that feels like a lifetime discovery process.

So I'm curious-- please share-- as far as you understand it now, what were you uniquely designed for? I don't mean "what is your ideal job" or "what great accomplishments do you want to achieve?"... just how has He made you reflect Himself uniquely? Come on now, don't be shy, (there aren't THAT many people who follow this blog!), I'd love to hear. And if you're like me, and you don't have that totally figured out yet, well then you can encourage me too!

Happy Birthday My Love

Happy 38, Babe! So wish we could be together today.
I'm so thankful for you!

Here's a walk down memory lane...

Where it all began... HF, Fall 1997











Overlooking the Annapurna Range, Feb 1998...
(If you confessed your love again from 14,000 feet,
you might get a different response this time.)












Great Wall, Summer 1999













NJ, Winter 2000













Jim turns 30- Sept. 2001



















Momma with Santa Claus, Dec. 2002














Kathryn is Born! May 2003















Daddy & Kathryn share first UT game, Sept 2003



















Lake City, August 2004



















Ellie is born! February 2005



















DTS graduation, May 2005














Waterfront Merlion, May 2006



















Singapore, Christmas 2007



















The Cliffs, Koh Samui, February 2008












Xiang Shan, Oct. 2007



















Love the Hot Pot! Dec. 2007















Christmas 2008














Before the storm, May 2009














Overlooking Long's Peak, June 2009



















Near Pingree Park, July 2009



















Love & Missing You today...

On Snickerdoodles and Other Comforts

We’ve had trouble with our oven lately. We’ve used it without incident for 2 years, but all of a sudden, the breaker trips when we turn the oven on. So, speaking of being a self-made electrician (see previous post), I called our “wu ye” guy to come fix it.

He asked me, “So, when you turn this on, the breaker trips?”

“Yes.”

“Well then don’t turn it on.”

It's not that I believed he had gotten to the bottom of it... (since I am, after all, such an expert at this subject); it's just that I don't use the oven that often.

But tonight, since Jim just left town, I needed cookies. Before I knew the oven wouldn’t work, I made snickerdoodle dough that has since been waiting in the freezer.

So I thought, perhaps the oven would work in another room? I hauled it into the bedroom, along with my cookie sheet and 4 dough balls. I told myself I might save 2 for tomorrow, but Lord knows I had every intention of eating all four.

Lo and behold, the oven works in the bedroom. I could go on about how heavy the oven was, and how steaming the bedroom can get at 375. But I would be selling a sob story... it was worth every effort.

So I already ate my four cookies as I watched an episode of CSI Miami, and Horatio has yet to disappoint me.

My hubby may be gone, and I might need to haul my oven into the bedroom to bake cookies. But Horatio and snickerdoodles make for a pretty decent evening.

For those with traveling spouses, do tell--what are your 'comfort activities'??

Early Days of China

One of the unexpected items we brought back from the US this summer was a box of old journals that I kept from late highschool through our early years of marriage. They are part of a journey-of-the-heart season, helping me re-engage in the stories of my early life. Kudos to GG who Fed-Ex overnighted them to me the day before we left!

I’ve always been a “journaler,” finding it therapeutic to process my heart through writing. But the 35 year old me reading the heart of the 20 year old me… hmmm. There have been times I’ve felt it extremely enlightening, because I can now see clearly how the dots form a line. But other times, it’s utterly overwhelming. I cannot be my own objective counselor, and the "old me" doesn’t feel that much removed from the “young me.” Schizophrenic? Absolutely!

I digress.

This last week, I read the journal from my very first summer in China--June of 1995 before my senior year of college. I haven't even read the journal from my first year yet... though reminiscing about that summer stirred up a whole hornet's nest of memories from that season of my life. Sometimes China feels so familiar that I forget what seemed strange and shocking and wonderful. Here are some of my early impressions of this baffling and marvelous land I've called home for much of the last decade...

These were the days when…

…I marveled at those with the able use of chopsticks. (If you want to learn, French fries are a great food to practice on.)

…In true self-masochistic style, I made regular trips to the post office

…My hair was what people called “blonde”

…I liked to bargain and thought I was getting good deals…I was wrong

... I learned my first Chinese words: "I'm lost"; "I don't understand"; and "I have diarrhea."

...My daily alarm clock was (not my children!) but the 6am morning exercises coming over the school intercom. Yi...Er...San...Si...Wu...Liu...Qi...Ba... repeat........................

...I was obsessed with getting my Chinese tones right. (Certainly not anymore!)

...A rickshaw was the best way to get around.

…I sat on a hillside in a Tibetan village listening to the bells calling young monks to prayer

…I couldn’t stand being stared at

…I felt a burger at the Hard Rock Café was an unjustifiably extravagant expense

…I made my first trek on the Great Wall

…I sat and cried in Tian An Men square as I thought about all that had happened there

…I lived next door to a coal factory and hung my clothes to dry with the sweet scent of coal soot

…I said I was fine with cold showers

...I shattered my first hot water bottle into 1000 peices

…I became intimate friends with my bicycle

...I experienced my first overnight train with a sleeping Chinese women in my lap and another man smoking at my feet

...I learned that cream of mushroom soup, tortillas, and chips are possible without your local grocery store.

…I delighted in Mongolian yak cheese… any cheese will do when you are desperate.

…I stared every night at the world map before going to sleep, in disbelief… “I was there, now I’m here.”

...I simultaneously rejoiced in and wanted to hide my identity as an American

…I sat for a sweet hour in the dark baking a cake with my roommate, because the oven zapped all the available electricity. Not even enough left for a 4W night light!

…Speaking of electricity… I became a self-declared electrician and came inches from setting our house on fire. Remember that Tammy? (Lesson to self: Circuits trip for a reason and thicker wires do not solve this.) It's always more comforting to be yelled at by an angry building manager when you don't know what's being said.

...I gave affectionate names to our building's rats.

...I gained exhaustive knowledge of toilet innards.

...God sent me a red leaf. (If you haven't heard this story, please ask me and I'll tell it again!)

...I gave a good friend a live chicken for his birthday... and witnessed his unfortunate demise-- (the chicken, not the friend.) This is as fresh as it gets.

…and made life long friends from all parts of the globe.

I hesitate to post this now, because the list could go miles longer. So many things have changed since then...many things I don't miss. No more cold showers or live chicken for dinner. But there was a wonder of discovery, a laugh-at-yourself making the best of your challenging circumstances, a delight in the diversity of our God that stirs my imagination afresh.

When You Need To Clarify...

After discussing the parable of the four soils, Ellie prayed,

“Dear Jesus, please give us fruit that lasts in our tummies for a LONG time!”

And, I just realized, this is my 400^th post! I started this blog in May of 2006, and I remember when I first googled, “What is a blog?” (I just went back to that date for a view of those early posts. I’m especially fond of the Monkey Tale, if you’ve never heard it before.)

Have I really had 400 blog-worthy things to say? I'm sure not!

On Beauty and Noses

An assessment test I took this summer said that I crave nature like a car needing gas. Not like a car that needs an occasional oil change but could really go another 100 miles.

This is a challenge in our home. I'm not the only one who thinks so... Kathryn told me recently, "Mom, it's so... so... UGLY here." Many days I feel I can't argue with her.

To be fair, this city DOES have some amazing scenes... exquisitely landscaped parks, mountains to the north and west... We just don't happen to live near any of these. Here is a smoggy winter view from our bedroom window, just to make my point:













But just as I discovered in our mountain cabin vacation, natural beauty isn't just about striking landscapes. It's also found on a smaller scale, IF you are watching for it.

Last weekend, we went to a Chinese/Western wedding. With a Chinese bride and an American groom, it was a fun mix of traditions. After the wedding as we waited for the reception to begin, a gaggle of little girls (of which my daughters were active participants) collected bouquets of berries and white roses while they practiced proceeding up and down the aisle. We brought the roses home to display, and over the week they have slowly wilted and dried out. I've almost thrown them out about 4 times, but I cannot bring myself to do it. Why, you ask? Why would I keep a dilapidated bunch of roses in a tin coffee cup?


















They SMELL incredible. If you close your eyes and breathe in deeply, your senses come alive! Throw in a little imagination, and you are back at the wedding, or tiptoeing through a delicate rose garden... am I getting carried away? What a wonder, that He gave us silly things like noses, to delight in the world He has made.

Is it a challenge for you to find beauty in your home too? Keep your eyes (and noses) peeled and share with me what you find! (Or if you live in a really beautiful place, you can tell me about that too. I'll try not to be jealous.)

Know Thy Story

The Leadership Development process Jim and I attended in May gave a follow-up suggestion (one among many) that we would “rewrite our life story.” Not because the first version was wrong, but to write it as an engaged insider, not an outside observer. At first I admit, I wondered, “What is the good of that? I mean, it’s my story. I already know it.” But at different points this summer, I found the process really helpful. Here’s one personal example. I’ve hesitated to post it, because it is, well, personal. But what important parts of our story are not?

During our time in Colorado, as we met many new people, I kept running into different moms who made me feel under the pile. The guilt-inducing proto-types were moms that had 4, 5, 6+ kids, were die-hard homeschoolers who loved to discuss their favorite curriculum choices, and share their convictions about having as many children as they possibly could. And then, observing my two children, would innocently ask, “Are you going to have more children?” Now don’t get me wrong. This was self-inflicted. I don’t have any issues with any of these things, in other families. I home-school too, and enjoy moms who delight in lots of babies. These women are my friends. But after spending time with them, I would come home feeling like such a loser mom. It was stirring significant insecurity in me.

WHY do I keep running into these women, God? Why do they keep feeling compelled to share their very personal convictions about birth control? More importantly, why does this make ME feel like I’m a lousy mom? So I sat down and started writing. I wasn’t really intending to write part of my story, but that’s what spilled out. It was my attempt to reflect before the Lord regarding the question that was causing me much angst… “Are we going to have more children?” In brief, here’s what I wrote…

When I was 22 during my 2^nd year overseas, I was diagnosed with an unusual condition called hyperplasia. I didn’t meet any of the risk factors for this problem, typically emerging in older, overweight, hypertensive women. No one could explain it, but the doctor told me at that time that I might never be able to have children. I didn’t really care that much then, because I wasn’t married. But those were my first recalled anxieties about the matter.

After I married Jim and we decided we would try to start having children, we braced for a long and difficult process of getting pregnant. Quite the contrary, we got pregnant easily and I excitedly awaited motherhood. At the time I was thrilled to think about staying home with a little one, freely expending my efforts and energies for another.

Then our first daughter Hannah was born. After her devastatingly short life ended, I poured myself into the questions I was asking about her death. It was this year that I discovered much about myself that I didn’t know to that degree. As I dove into the quandaries of my heart, I became passionate about studying, research, writing, and teaching, especially particular expressions of those gifts related to my wrestlings. I knew these things to some extent before, but that year fueled desires to grow in areas that I didn’t expect. During the rest of our time in seminary, I finished a degree and had two more children. When Kathryn was a baby and still slept often, I loved working on my seminary studies simultaneously alongside motherhood. Both felt extremely fulfilling and meaningful.

After Ellie was born and we moved to Singapore, I struggled greatly with motherhood. My husband’s new job adjustments and frequent international travel took everything he had, and I was home alone with a 2 year old and 6 month old. I was lonely and struggled for an expression to merely think about other passions I once had.

Also after Ellie was born, I was re-diagnosed with the former hyperplasia of my early 20’s. Again, the doctor found this a bizarre diagnosis, but she advised that we “finish our family” soon. This wasn’t a sad suggestion to me then… with all the transition of the last year, thinking about another baby was out of the question at the time. Regardless, she advised we continue a variety of possible meds to prevent the recurrence of hyperplasia, all of which prevent pregnancy. And so here were are. Kathryn is 6 and Ellie is 4. 2 more years have passed since then.

You’re wondering where I’m going with all of this, right? What does all of this have to do with my insecurities this summer? Does this solve my problem? How has writing all of this out been helpful? Are we going to have more kids? I don’t know, and that’s not the point! Here is what became obvious to me when I wrote all this out.

*This is a very unique story! The health concerns, the death of our daughter, our lives and challenges overseas… these are parts of our story that make it unique. Each person has a unique story, and it’s silly for me to think that God wants my story to look the same as yours! I know this, but recognizing this in my story helps me believe it.

*God has been in charge of this story all along. At times when we thought we couldn’t have children, He changed our path. At times when I thought I would enter a full-time motherhood role, He sent me in the direction of developing my gifts and passions. One of these paths is not holier or more sacrificial. God has sent me at different times towards both.

So how is this helpful? It helps me to stop looking at His design for other families and wonder if something is wrong with me. It helps me trust that He is leading our family uniquely… It frees me to rejoice over your 6 children, and delight in our 2! If you had counseled me before regarding the last two points, I would have totally agreed with you…but I wouldn’t have recognized that message lived out in my own story.

How about your story? Is there a struggle you keep facing in which you feel stuck? Maybe the threads of His guidance are already woven in the fabric of your story.