Happy Easter Hannah

Today is Hannah's 9th birthday, and the first time that it has fallen on Easter.

This week has been a whirlwind. I had several assignments and tests on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday which were keeping my emotions at bay. But by Thursday, the fountains opened. The heartache of her approaching birthday always emerges like a poorly forecasted storm. You expected a light shower, but now there is flooding in your basement.

What to do, this year, for her birthday? This is always the question that never has a fulfilling answer...

But speaking of flooding, the flowers that the girls and I planted for Hannah last weekend are severely waterlogged... wave after wave of rain with more on its way.

On Saturday, we looked at her scrapbook together. I realized, as the box which holds her book was still taped up from our move, that I hadn’t looked at it since her last birthday. I don't look at it often, but it is precious to me.

But today... Easter... her birthday... we all knew it was going to be a very emotional day. Easter worship this morning was harder, and sweeter. Because He is alive, I know I will see her again. The resurrection really does make all the difference.

Jim's sister's family, the Bishops, joined us for church and lunch today. After our meal we gathered in the back yard and launched 9 balloons. We wrote messages on them, and then released them.

I'd like to think that we sent them up to heaven... I know that's a sentimental, theologically inaccurate idea, but that's ok for today... So I understand why Asians (and other cultures too) "send" items to their deceased family members... and even less belief-driven cultures have ways of "talking" to the dead... because the draw, the pull, the hunger to connect with a lost loved one is unbelievably strong.

Easter has something to say about that!

Thanks Bishops for sharing our special commemoration of Hannah, and our celebration of Easter, with us today.

I don’t have an articulate essay or poem this year… Today I'm just a mommy, looking to our Risen Lord, holding onto the promise of the resurrection, longing for the day I will hold my little girl again.

Eeyore Parenting

One on my beloved daughters can be excessively...negative. Grumpy. Debbie Downer. Eeyore-ish. The other day she came home from school and I asked her to tell me about her day. At first she said, apparently without thinking, "It was fine." But then she caught herself... and began a litany of complaints equating it with the worst day of her life. I'm not belittling her feelings, but when you hear this often, you begin to think that perhaps there is a little drama... a little over-exaggeration going on.

And then you might start trying to change her perspective. And you respond with sympathy, validation, but also want her to think about what good things she could report. Surely this wallowing in negativity isn't good for her. (Certainly feels strangling to me.) And you might try to start helping her solve her list of problems. Seeing them from a not-so-bad light. Talk about all that we can be thankful for. And then after a while of that, meeting with great resistance and a marked tenacity to hold onto all that was horrible in her day, you might get frustrated. And a certain tone might come out in your voice. And then you might try to redirect her... a positive activity. A yummy after-school snack. An encouraging activity. But alas, the world is not spinning rightly on it's axis today and there is nothing you can say that is helping. And you might begin to see things pretty dimly yourself. And you might feel like giving up.

You just might.

Or, you might do something altogether different. What if you let her have her feelings, and you didn't try to convince her of all the created goodness demonstrated in the world today... And what if you just took her in your arms and hugged her tight, and let her know how much you love her and how great and special you think she is, and held her for a good while...

...and she she might just pop up after awhile, when she's ready, and she might skip off, carefree and lighthearted, ready to run outside and play.

She just might.

Anniversary Getaway...12 years!

A week ago, we were HERE:














Staying at Pere Marquette State Park. It was more lovely than I imagined Illinois could be! (No offense.) The park is just beyond Grafton, IL, and the drive follows a 20 or 30 mile stretch of road that follows the rivers--the 3 rivers--where the Missouri, the Mississippi, and Illinois rivers merge. There were even some hills and mild cliffs above the road, and you could almost close your eyes and imagine yourself driving along the coastal highway in California! :)

First night sunset...













A gorgeous Sat. morning scenic drive...













a wee bit of hiking...
















In the State park visitor's center they have this LIVE bald eagle viewing... I just want to know -- how did they rig the camera up there?


















Saturday afternoon we went in town a found this lovely little winery, with a deck overlooking the river, and a delightful jazz band playing, and I thought to myself... WHY don't we ever do this? I love live music!!









































Down on the riverfront was a lovely little lighthouse...


















And a romantic dinner for two at the Mississippi Half Step













On the way out, we stopped at the Piasa bird caves, a local legend of a dragon-like bird that explorers wrote about when they first crossed into this land...


















Do you think he makes a good Piasa?















THANK YOU, MY HONEY, for planning such a special weekend. So many things I love-- exploring nature, beauty, rest, music, engaging conversation... And THANK YOU AUNT JULIE for keeping the girls for cousins weekend so we could get away!


















Here's to 12 years of living life together, in the joys and the heartaches, and the plain 'ol everyday days... there's no other partner I'd rather walk with on this journey!

The Edge of Your Old Known World

Listen to these words of secular poet David Whyte, and see if you think he hasn't discovered God-ordered truths... about the longing of the heart to find a unique contribution in the world.

Think poetry... creativity... imagination... (not precise theology :)

"The soul is that part of the human attempting to belong to the largest story it can. The soul is not interested in success or failure and doesn't care two cents about your career, your successes, or even the latest medical breakthroughs. It only wants to know if it was your failure, your experience, or were you trying to imitate someone else... The most terrifying discovery of all is to discover at midlife that you are not living your life, but someone else's life."

"More than we'd like to think, we all find or put ourselves in small, limited stories, barley vignettes really, the "plot" pretty much limited to keeping safe and secure,m doing what society's rulebook mandates. Soul doesn't figure largely in these narrow, puny tales... You are heir to an endless, fathomless sea of imagination..."

"Give up your foolish attempt to impose order, predictability, and control on existence! It won't work, and it robs you of what's most precious about life. Don't try to know everything in advance, or act only when you're assured it will all work out all right. You don't have to quit your job (necessarily), abandon your loved ones, change your name... all you have to do is go to the end of your old known world--and then, maybe, take the tiniest step forward into the dark."

A sample of Whyte's poetry:

This is not
the age of information.
This is not
the age of information.
Forget the news,
and the radio,
and the blurred screen.
This is the time
of loaves
and fishes.
People are hungry,
and one good word is bread
for a thousand.