Happy Weekend!
Jim is almost finished his class here in Fort Collins and soon we are headed to a family vacation where I will be TOTALLY OFFLINE for awhile. Doesn't that sound refreshing?? But I am setting these posts to keep posting through next week, so keep coming by!
In light of the last post on the lifelong process of joining your heart to another, here is a great quote to ponder from C.S. Lewis's The Four Loves:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Bringing It All Together 19: Toward a Healthy Marriage-- Trust
A healthy marriage fosters individuality (what we looked at yesterday) and also mutuality. Growing in togetherness cannot happen without TRUST.
The roots of trust are sown very early in our development. If your parents were attuned and responsive to your physical and emotional needs, then you are going to have an easier time trusting people--(God too!) even as an adult.
And if the opposite was true, trusting people will be a big struggle.
But it's not just about what happens when you are little, right? We have all lived a lot of life since childhood, and been hurt by the actions of others. We all develop ways of keeping ourselves safe from those we have felt hurt by. Self-protection keeps us from trusting others. And many times, for good reasons. It is good and right to establish healthy boundaries of protection from abusive and harmful situations. And yet, even with those who are not abusive and DO love us, we unknowingly act at times in self-protective ways based on patterns we do not see.
So how do you grow in deeper trust of your spouse, a fellow sinner like yourself, who does in fact hurt you at times?
Moving towards a person in trust will always be a challenge post-Fall. But the freedom to trust another becomes more possible when you see both the goodness and the depravity in yourself. If you believe that you were created with a glorious stamp of God's image, then it's easier for you to believe in another's created good (even when it doesn't seem that obvious.) And when you really see, own, and can sit with your own brokenness, then you can extend grace in another's mess as well. And the opposite is true. A person who has a hard time believing that they are a beautiful part of God's good creation will have a hard time affirming the dignity in others. And a person who is always pointing an accusing finger at other's mess has probably not experienced the grace of God in the midst of their own brokenness and sin.
A newly married student in our Adv. Marriage & Family class once asked our prof-- Well then, how long does it take?? (Read that with a tone of desperation!) He commented that after about 20 years (mind you, teaching marriage counseling is his career!) they just began to see the ways that he and his wife hid from each other. He asked another older women in the class to comment her thoughts. She agreed-- having been married 40+ years-- after 20 years, they were just starting to see their mess.
Yikes, you say. Is there hope? You mean growing a healthy marriage is going to take a whole lifetime? It would seem that is exactly how He has designed it to be.
The roots of trust are sown very early in our development. If your parents were attuned and responsive to your physical and emotional needs, then you are going to have an easier time trusting people--(God too!) even as an adult.
And if the opposite was true, trusting people will be a big struggle.
But it's not just about what happens when you are little, right? We have all lived a lot of life since childhood, and been hurt by the actions of others. We all develop ways of keeping ourselves safe from those we have felt hurt by. Self-protection keeps us from trusting others. And many times, for good reasons. It is good and right to establish healthy boundaries of protection from abusive and harmful situations. And yet, even with those who are not abusive and DO love us, we unknowingly act at times in self-protective ways based on patterns we do not see.
So how do you grow in deeper trust of your spouse, a fellow sinner like yourself, who does in fact hurt you at times?
Moving towards a person in trust will always be a challenge post-Fall. But the freedom to trust another becomes more possible when you see both the goodness and the depravity in yourself. If you believe that you were created with a glorious stamp of God's image, then it's easier for you to believe in another's created good (even when it doesn't seem that obvious.) And when you really see, own, and can sit with your own brokenness, then you can extend grace in another's mess as well. And the opposite is true. A person who has a hard time believing that they are a beautiful part of God's good creation will have a hard time affirming the dignity in others. And a person who is always pointing an accusing finger at other's mess has probably not experienced the grace of God in the midst of their own brokenness and sin.
A newly married student in our Adv. Marriage & Family class once asked our prof-- Well then, how long does it take?? (Read that with a tone of desperation!) He commented that after about 20 years (mind you, teaching marriage counseling is his career!) they just began to see the ways that he and his wife hid from each other. He asked another older women in the class to comment her thoughts. She agreed-- having been married 40+ years-- after 20 years, they were just starting to see their mess.
Yikes, you say. Is there hope? You mean growing a healthy marriage is going to take a whole lifetime? It would seem that is exactly how He has designed it to be.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Bringing It All Together 18: Toward a Healthy Marriage-- Differentiation
Someone may think about attachment and enmeshment, and ask-- what's the difference? Good question! They may seem similar at first glance. Both models desire closeness. But enmeshment fosters an unhealthy closeness that is achieved through the squashing (hiding or suppression of the individual.)
A healthy attachment involves "differentiation," which you might call a healthy sense of individual personhood. Differentiation is about being connected in a way that you don't lose yourself in the process. Another way of talking about differentiation is to say it is about driving down the line in the human person box. (See this post.)
It is about being aware of anxiety, fear, and pain, but not letting them win. It is about learning to ask and see what is going on inside of your black box. It is a growing ability to recognize what is going on in you, and to be curious and ask questions about it. It is about slowing down the reaction time between the fearful event and your response.
An unaware conversation with myself:
"Wow, what a jerk my husband is! Doesn't he know how insensitive he's being, just walking out of the room like that without saying anything? Tonight, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"
A more aware conversation with myself:
"Wow! When Jim walked out of the room, I got super anxious! I wonder why that is. He seemed frustrated, and that really undoes me. But my anxiety seems higher than this situation warrants. This doesn't seem all about Jim. In fact, I know that he was frustrated about "x" and it has very little to do with me. So what's going on in me that I feel responsible for that? I think there's something in me that feels like when he is upset, it's hard for ME to be OK with myself. Tonight, I want to share with him how that made me feel and ask if he has any other thoughts about what was going on."
Do you see why marriage can't thrive without a growing sense of individuality? If you don't know yourself, you can't give yourself to another. And if you don't know yourself, you don't know how to pursue another person either.
A healthy attachment involves "differentiation," which you might call a healthy sense of individual personhood. Differentiation is about being connected in a way that you don't lose yourself in the process. Another way of talking about differentiation is to say it is about driving down the line in the human person box. (See this post.)
It is about being aware of anxiety, fear, and pain, but not letting them win. It is about learning to ask and see what is going on inside of your black box. It is a growing ability to recognize what is going on in you, and to be curious and ask questions about it. It is about slowing down the reaction time between the fearful event and your response.
An unaware conversation with myself:
"Wow, what a jerk my husband is! Doesn't he know how insensitive he's being, just walking out of the room like that without saying anything? Tonight, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"
A more aware conversation with myself:
"Wow! When Jim walked out of the room, I got super anxious! I wonder why that is. He seemed frustrated, and that really undoes me. But my anxiety seems higher than this situation warrants. This doesn't seem all about Jim. In fact, I know that he was frustrated about "x" and it has very little to do with me. So what's going on in me that I feel responsible for that? I think there's something in me that feels like when he is upset, it's hard for ME to be OK with myself. Tonight, I want to share with him how that made me feel and ask if he has any other thoughts about what was going on."
Do you see why marriage can't thrive without a growing sense of individuality? If you don't know yourself, you can't give yourself to another. And if you don't know yourself, you don't know how to pursue another person either.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Bringing It All Together 17: What Is a Good Marriage?
Maybe it would have been better to put this post FIRST before all the relational mess we've been looking at the last several days, but I'm all for ending the marriage section with a great vision for what it was/is designed to be.
Just like we look to the Trinity for a pattern of how humans relate in the image of God where emotions are a key part, the Trinity gives us a clue into a good marriage. In the Trinity, there is a 'wedding' of unity and diversity. God the Father, Son, and Spirit are deeply committed to one another's glory and good (unity), and yet they are different from one other (diversity.) So it is true with a good marriage. In the unity, the individuality is never lost. Marriage is a union where the two become one, and in the oneness, the uniqueness of each is not lost.
In Genesis 2 with Adam and Eve, we hear a key phrase that epitomizes the goal of marriage:
The man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. In the Bible, this glorious union only lasts for 7 verses, as we later read after the Fall, "Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were naked, and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings..." And Adam says later to God, "I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself." Enter the black box. Enter hiding. Enter shame.
Naked and unashamed. Of course we know that this nakedness is not just physical. It is every part of us. It is all of you laid bare before another, and feeling no fear of embarrassment or rejection, but knowing beyond a doubt that every part of you will be received, nurtured, embraced.
Now everyone take a deep breath and imagine that.
Also, marriage was designed to be a bold adventure between Adam and Eve; between you and your spouse. Just think about it-- God gave them both a glorious purpose: lovingly ruling over His good creation. And He gave them a glorious partner for the task--one who was deeply committed to the other, and to the same purpose, but each was fascinatingly different from the other. And ever since that fateful day gone terribly wrong, husbands and wives labor to recover that sense of naked and unashamed in the context of bold adventure.
Jesus says He came that we might have life, and live it abundantly. What if spouses were equally committed to creating space in each other's lives, so each could discover more and more about the path God has uniquely for them? What if each said to the other, "let's go forward together, emotionally, physically, relationally, geographically, getting to know each other in the process..."
Too often our marriages are committed to something different-- "Let's be certain and safe. Let's not risk pain, or failure, or mess. And let's try to be just like each other, so we can each feel as comfortable with the other as possible."
Every marriage today is post-Fall, and every marriage relationship bears the scars of wounds that came before it. Yet, every marriage also has great potential for restoring created glory. It is not too late! Jesus is in the business of restoring brokenness, and granting hope and courage to ask hard questions and turn in new directions! Honesty is the first step.
Just like we look to the Trinity for a pattern of how humans relate in the image of God where emotions are a key part, the Trinity gives us a clue into a good marriage. In the Trinity, there is a 'wedding' of unity and diversity. God the Father, Son, and Spirit are deeply committed to one another's glory and good (unity), and yet they are different from one other (diversity.) So it is true with a good marriage. In the unity, the individuality is never lost. Marriage is a union where the two become one, and in the oneness, the uniqueness of each is not lost.
In Genesis 2 with Adam and Eve, we hear a key phrase that epitomizes the goal of marriage:
The man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. In the Bible, this glorious union only lasts for 7 verses, as we later read after the Fall, "Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were naked, and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings..." And Adam says later to God, "I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself." Enter the black box. Enter hiding. Enter shame.
Naked and unashamed. Of course we know that this nakedness is not just physical. It is every part of us. It is all of you laid bare before another, and feeling no fear of embarrassment or rejection, but knowing beyond a doubt that every part of you will be received, nurtured, embraced.
Now everyone take a deep breath and imagine that.
Also, marriage was designed to be a bold adventure between Adam and Eve; between you and your spouse. Just think about it-- God gave them both a glorious purpose: lovingly ruling over His good creation. And He gave them a glorious partner for the task--one who was deeply committed to the other, and to the same purpose, but each was fascinatingly different from the other. And ever since that fateful day gone terribly wrong, husbands and wives labor to recover that sense of naked and unashamed in the context of bold adventure.
Jesus says He came that we might have life, and live it abundantly. What if spouses were equally committed to creating space in each other's lives, so each could discover more and more about the path God has uniquely for them? What if each said to the other, "let's go forward together, emotionally, physically, relationally, geographically, getting to know each other in the process..."
Too often our marriages are committed to something different-- "Let's be certain and safe. Let's not risk pain, or failure, or mess. And let's try to be just like each other, so we can each feel as comfortable with the other as possible."
Every marriage today is post-Fall, and every marriage relationship bears the scars of wounds that came before it. Yet, every marriage also has great potential for restoring created glory. It is not too late! Jesus is in the business of restoring brokenness, and granting hope and courage to ask hard questions and turn in new directions! Honesty is the first step.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bringing It All Together 16: Enmeshment
Yesterday we went to one extreme in breaking the marriage relationship--an affair. Yet there is a way to kill a marriage relationship while staying together and appearing very close.
Enmeshment is a term that refers to this phenomenon. The word literally means to be entangled, or caught as if in a mesh. This happens when couples (or families) attempt to achieve closeness at the expense of nurturing individuality. The goal of this couple is togetherness, defined by sameness and no conflict. They agree about everything, they share honest feelings about nothing. They hold the other at such a close distance that the other can be controlled and yet unknown. The neediness for the other's acceptance feels sticky. This might be a spouse who can't stand to disappoint her husband. Or a husband who can't stand to disagree with his wife. Unstated anxiety rules the family's reactions, and the unwritten rule says "peace at all costs."
Consider a simple, seemingly benign conversation between Jason and Amanda.
Jason: "Where do you want to eat tonight, honey?" (Jason is hoping she'll say Indian.)
Amanda: "Wherever YOU want to go... Didn't you want to try out that Mexican place? Or wherever is fine." (Amanda wants to try out the Mexican place but she isn't aware of that. If you asked her if that's what SHE wants, she'd deny that she prefers Mexican.)
Jason: "OK... Well, ok, wherever you want to go..." (Now that Amanda suggested Mexican... well, after all, he should give her what she wants. It's not a big deal. I had Indian last week, he thinks.)
Amanda: "Ok, I'm happy to try whatever you want; Let's do Mexican since that's what you like."
Jason: "Yeah, sure...Well, we can leave whenever you want. "(Jason is hungry and wants to go. He's hoping she'll say she's ready.)
Can you see how the "you" in these dialogues is confused? How each doesn't know how to ask for what they want, and they do so by putting it on the other? How Amanda is seeking CONTROL in a subtle way? How Jason blindly enables this by not owning his own opinion? How both of them are unaware, and/or afraid to simply state their desires? This is an enmeshed conversation.
If I hold you really close, I don't have to deal with my fears of conflict or intimacy. Differences are threatening. The deeper emotions of the heart are a source of great fear. So it would just be a lot easier if we all stuffed our feelings, we always agree, and stayed happy with each other. This person/couple/family is likely sitting on a mountain made of:
-deep unawareness (I don't know my own heart.)
-anger (unacknowledged rage over lack of being pursued and known, accepted)
-unforgiveness (if you are 'never offended' then there is nothing to forgive)
-shame (I'm not worthy to be known.)
Deep, deep waters.
Enmeshment is a term that refers to this phenomenon. The word literally means to be entangled, or caught as if in a mesh. This happens when couples (or families) attempt to achieve closeness at the expense of nurturing individuality. The goal of this couple is togetherness, defined by sameness and no conflict. They agree about everything, they share honest feelings about nothing. They hold the other at such a close distance that the other can be controlled and yet unknown. The neediness for the other's acceptance feels sticky. This might be a spouse who can't stand to disappoint her husband. Or a husband who can't stand to disagree with his wife. Unstated anxiety rules the family's reactions, and the unwritten rule says "peace at all costs."
Consider a simple, seemingly benign conversation between Jason and Amanda.
Jason: "Where do you want to eat tonight, honey?" (Jason is hoping she'll say Indian.)
Amanda: "Wherever YOU want to go... Didn't you want to try out that Mexican place? Or wherever is fine." (Amanda wants to try out the Mexican place but she isn't aware of that. If you asked her if that's what SHE wants, she'd deny that she prefers Mexican.)
Jason: "OK... Well, ok, wherever you want to go..." (Now that Amanda suggested Mexican... well, after all, he should give her what she wants. It's not a big deal. I had Indian last week, he thinks.)
Amanda: "Ok, I'm happy to try whatever you want; Let's do Mexican since that's what you like."
Jason: "Yeah, sure...Well, we can leave whenever you want. "(Jason is hungry and wants to go. He's hoping she'll say she's ready.)
Can you see how the "you" in these dialogues is confused? How each doesn't know how to ask for what they want, and they do so by putting it on the other? How Amanda is seeking CONTROL in a subtle way? How Jason blindly enables this by not owning his own opinion? How both of them are unaware, and/or afraid to simply state their desires? This is an enmeshed conversation.
If I hold you really close, I don't have to deal with my fears of conflict or intimacy. Differences are threatening. The deeper emotions of the heart are a source of great fear. So it would just be a lot easier if we all stuffed our feelings, we always agree, and stayed happy with each other. This person/couple/family is likely sitting on a mountain made of:
-deep unawareness (I don't know my own heart.)
-anger (unacknowledged rage over lack of being pursued and known, accepted)
-unforgiveness (if you are 'never offended' then there is nothing to forgive)
-shame (I'm not worthy to be known.)
Deep, deep waters.
Monday, July 11, 2011
If any of you have followed this blog, you know that I change the background about every 2 months. It's not that I'm wishy-washy (although I may be that), but I just really like variety. But I have to say I really like this background. I think it's going to stick for awhile. And I figured out how to tweak it... I tried a bird awhile back, but it was too somber looking. It needed to be a happy looking bird. This is the right bird! And something that looked refreshing, not too loud, but playful, and summery, and free. Hope you enjoy!
Bringing It All Together 15: Marriage Ripe For an Affair
Over the last two posts, we looked at both passive conflict, and aggressive conflict. Each can foster an environment ripe for an affair.
Usually when we hear of a husband cheating on his wife, or a wife cheating on her husband, we blame the "cheater" only and do not think about the context in which the affair takes place. Affairs do not happen in a day, and the patterns that breed unfaithfulness are usually cultivated over a long period of time. I am not saying there isn't genuine offense on the part of the one who had an affair. There are plenty of couples who struggle and yet decide NOT to act on their desires for another. And yet, there is always more to the story than meets the eye.
We also think that affairs happen because of sexual attraction (or a lack thereof). We may hear a spouse conclude "I married the wrong person. I'm not attracted to him anymore." When actually, the couple never bonded emotionally in the first place.
What doesn't bond, doesn't cling. It is about the emotional attachment (or lack thereof) of the couple.
When a marriage is stuck in a negative pattern of connection that lacks emotional awareness and intimacy, each spouse is ripe for another person to come along who is sympathetic and understands in a way their spouse does not. The majority of people who have affairs are surprised that the relationship turned sexual. Why are they surprised? Because it wasn't about sex, but about being emotionally connected with a person who listens to your heart.
Usually when we hear of a husband cheating on his wife, or a wife cheating on her husband, we blame the "cheater" only and do not think about the context in which the affair takes place. Affairs do not happen in a day, and the patterns that breed unfaithfulness are usually cultivated over a long period of time. I am not saying there isn't genuine offense on the part of the one who had an affair. There are plenty of couples who struggle and yet decide NOT to act on their desires for another. And yet, there is always more to the story than meets the eye.
We also think that affairs happen because of sexual attraction (or a lack thereof). We may hear a spouse conclude "I married the wrong person. I'm not attracted to him anymore." When actually, the couple never bonded emotionally in the first place.
What doesn't bond, doesn't cling. It is about the emotional attachment (or lack thereof) of the couple.
When a marriage is stuck in a negative pattern of connection that lacks emotional awareness and intimacy, each spouse is ripe for another person to come along who is sympathetic and understands in a way their spouse does not. The majority of people who have affairs are surprised that the relationship turned sexual. Why are they surprised? Because it wasn't about sex, but about being emotionally connected with a person who listens to your heart.
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Happy Weekend!
We're headed to Denver today to see some of Jim's college buddies... all of whom and now 30-something moms and dads like us:) How did they all end up in the mountains? I keep waiting for the day that God calls us to live in the mountains!!
The posts will pick up again on Monday!
The posts will pick up again on Monday!
Friday, July 08, 2011
Bringing It All Together 14: Broken Attachment & Blatant Conflict
How about this scenario?
Alex and Judy (from yesterday) are non-confrontational. They are brewers, not spewers. But Susan and Joe are fighters. There is a lot of anger and yelling in their house. Joe’s blasting attempt to confront Susan with his disappointment is met with angry accusation and slammed doors. “Well if you hadn’t ____, I could have done something! What do you expect when you come at me like that?!”
When someone says “I LOVE CONFLICT,” what it often means is that they rush into disagreement powerfully in order to win… in order to NOT deal with their OWN fears and failures. Anger is a mask for something else.
Are Alex and Judy any better off than Susan and Joe? As far as attachment is concerned, is confrontational anger fundamentally different than passive hiding and pretending peace? Both have deeply developed ways of hiding their deeper emotions.
And yet, we often think that conflict is bad and needs to be avoided, while “not fighting” is better. Sometimes the opposite is true. If two people are fighting, they are showing that they CARE about the relationship. They are protesting the fact that they feel disconnected, even if they have no idea that’s what’s really true. When you see that intensity, you have two people who WANT to be connected, and haven’t figured out how. They are running in circles around a pattern they don’t see, but they are intense because they want it to work. If you DON’T want a relationship to work, you don’t get intense. You get indifferent.
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Bringing It All Together 13: Broken Attachment & Veiled Conflict
Yesterday I wrote about adult attachment, which is a term for a God-given human desire to connect deeply with others. Today I’m suggesting that a broken attachment is a key element of what fuels relational conflict.
When there is conflict in relationships, we often think that there is a breakdown in understanding. That if both sides could really understand the intentions of the other, then there would be no problem. But if you think in terms of attachment, the problem is often not a lack of intellectual understanding between people. It’s that you are talking on two different planes.
Consider this scenario:
Judy come to her husband Alex and says, “That really hurt my feelings.” And Alex proceeds to explain to Judy why she misunderstood him…. “Well, honey, I said that because…” or “What I really meant is…” Can you see how these two are talking at two different levels? She is sharing about her heart, and he is addressing her head. Alex thinks that if Judy just understood why he said what he did, then she won’t feel hurt. Their conversation lasts two sentences and they quickly retreat into their own thoughts.
Alex walks away thinking “I’m so glad we cleared that up.”
Judy walks away thinking “He didn’t hear me at all. That’s the same thing that happened last time. And the time before…” Bitterness, hopelessness, and indifference grow slowly over time. Judy stops talking to Alex. They settle into their mundane, everyday, disconnected lives.
You see, in order for Alex and Judy to be connected, they need to deal with the HURT. The point is not what Alex did or didn’t do. Judy still feels hurt and longs for Alex to connect with her pain. But because Alex doesn’t see what’s in his black box, he doesn’t know how to emotionally connect with her. Because of Alex’s story, it scares the bejeezus out of him to think about emotional pain. It is buried WAY deep in his black box. So what does Alex do? He means well. He really does. But he only knows how to look for something to DO.
By the way, this is not a knock on Alex, or men in general. Women can be just as clueless, even if more “emotional,” and just as committed to staying as FAR the (!!bleep!!) away from their black box as men are. (So tomorrow, I’ll turn the tables.)
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Bringing It All Together 12: Relational Attachment
At this point in my summary series, I’m turning to what goes wrong in relationships. As a pre-cursor to this post, go back and read the following two posts, that explain childhood and adult attachment.
When relationships are done right, both people experience “attachment.” Of course there are different levels of relationship, so we see this most significantly in parent-child relationships, and in the marriage relationship. Attachment is just a fancy term for what we all experience as true: We long to be deeply connected in human relationships. I wrote about this earlier as well: Because God is relational (has connected relationships within the Trinity), and we are made in His image, craving human connection is part of our God-given design. We see this with babies and their moms from the first moments after birth, and we experience this hunger until the day we die.
Another key aspect of attachment is that it is experienced EMOTIONALLY. You don’t just want to share information with your spouse or close friend—you want to feel that they heard you and value you. You don’t want your spouse to just intellectually agree that you have shared factual truths. You want to feel understood, respected, and loved. Before you remark this sounds too touchie-feelie, remember that God is an emotional being who experiences anger, pain, joy, hunger, loss, loneliness, etc… Thus, the experience of these emotions is a significant part of what it means to be HUMAN.
Attachment in marriage is about you asking your spouse, at a deep heart level, Are you there for me? Laying this emotional foundation of human interaction, tomorrow I’ll unpack what often goes wrong when there is conflict. Oh yes, come back tomorrow. I positively THRIVE on conflict!! (Where the "I'm being sarcastic now" button?)
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Meet My New Niece Taylor :)
Here is my new niece, Taylor, who I met for the first time this last weekend in Houston :)
Taylor and her friend Bubba
I got 2 days all by myself with her, her sister Aubrey, my brother Aaron and sister-in-law Kristen! Unfortunately there are no pics of the adults... but that's how it goes when there are cute babies:)
And here is big sister Aubrey... it's been awhile since I had a 2 year old :)
We played and played and played!
On Friday Kathryn & Ellie arrived to meet Taylor too...
Ellie with Taylor...
Taylor & Aubrey. What a sweet disposition little Taylor has... except for about 3-5am, right Kristen?
K with Taylor... K calls Taylor her "consonant cousin." Before Taylor, K was concerned that she was the only cousin whose name did not begin with a vowel... (Ellie, Aubrey, Ethan, Elise, Emma, Allison)... Who would have thought of this besides K?
All the girlie cousins...
Ellie with Aubrey
On Friday night, we had dinner at my Aunt Karen's house (my mom's sister) who hosted us all, and it became the event for the unveiling of the summer dresses. You see, K and my mom began a sewing project together (and we know who did most of the work!) to make matching dresses for the 4 of them. Aren't they cute?
Wish all the cousins could have been there! The girls had so much fun :)
Taylor and her friend Bubba
I got 2 days all by myself with her, her sister Aubrey, my brother Aaron and sister-in-law Kristen! Unfortunately there are no pics of the adults... but that's how it goes when there are cute babies:)
And here is big sister Aubrey... it's been awhile since I had a 2 year old :)
We played and played and played!
On Friday Kathryn & Ellie arrived to meet Taylor too...
Ellie with Taylor...
Taylor & Aubrey. What a sweet disposition little Taylor has... except for about 3-5am, right Kristen?
K with Taylor... K calls Taylor her "consonant cousin." Before Taylor, K was concerned that she was the only cousin whose name did not begin with a vowel... (Ellie, Aubrey, Ethan, Elise, Emma, Allison)... Who would have thought of this besides K?
All the girlie cousins...
Ellie with Aubrey
On Friday night, we had dinner at my Aunt Karen's house (my mom's sister) who hosted us all, and it became the event for the unveiling of the summer dresses. You see, K and my mom began a sewing project together (and we know who did most of the work!) to make matching dresses for the 4 of them. Aren't they cute?
Wish all the cousins could have been there! The girls had so much fun :)
Monday, July 04, 2011
Bringing It All Together 11: The Stuff Below the Line (but wait, there's more!)
Black Box Special #4: ANGER
(For an explanation of the black box, see the "Human Person Box" post below.
Anger is often the presenting emotion when there is ungrieved pain. Why? Because the experience of anger often shuts off the feeling of pain.
Think for a moment about how you respond when someone is angry with you. Usually one of two ways—you fight back (counter-attack) or you run away (remove yourself, or just emotionally check out.)
Though usually unaware, another’s anger can shield from the pain or fear of a deeper conversation. If am I angry with you and you run away from me, well that’s your fault. And if I am angry with you and you lash out at me… again, your fault.
I’m not saying there isn’t a legitimate, good anger. We often hear the analogy of Jesus overturning the moneychanger’s tables. We can be righteously angry when there is injustice against the oppressed or lack of regard for the needs of others. But often, our anger points to something else. The person who you are angry with touched something inside you. There is another emotion, and often another story, attached to your anger. There’s a lot more there to investigate.
Once DZ said that anger is the beginning of the forgiveness process. Before you own why you are angry and how angry you are, you cannot begin forgiving an offense. You might confess and quote verses all the day long, but if you haven’t come to grips with your anger, your forgiveness will be shallow and likely short-lived. But again, anger is the BEGINNING of the process of forgiveness. There is a LOT MORE down there (in the black box) than just anger. Keep digging to see what’s under it and you will usually find pain or shame.
It can be a big mistake to emphasize forgiveness first when listening to someone process an offense. (And usually an emphasis on forgiveness results from a fear of anger.) Forgiveness and reconciliation IS the ultimate goal. But before a person allows themselves to name their anger, they don’t know what their losses are. Before an offense is named, there is nothing to forgive.
Not every person needs the same encouragement, however. There are people who get so good at being angry that they are stuck there. This person probably hasn’t really dug under the anger enough to see what is underneath. And there are people who feel ashamed of their anger, and need to be shown the good and righteous elements of naming wrong.
In both examples, a good counselor is sometimes an ambassador of anger. Not as an end, but unto an honest, fully owned look at pain and the impact it has had.
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