My first fall in China (I was a chipper and confident 22), I learned that I didn’t know how to communicate. I don’t mean public speaking. I mean, honestly say what was true in my heart. And furthermore, I often didn’t even KNOW what was honest in my own heart.
What was my first clue? I still remember the discussion like it was yesterday. Our leader began a bible study with our group on the book of 1 John.
“God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. I we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”
Familiar verses, right? Darkness and light.
So he asked us, “What are your areas of darkness?” I didn’t understand the question. What are you talking about? I am in the light. I have a rare gift of deep spiritual maturity at 22.(Hee-hee.)
Another teammate began to share. And what she shared floored me. I had no category for it. I had never experienced it. She shared about struggle. INTENSE struggle. Doubt about the character of God. Doubt about her own identity in Him. Fighting the lies of the Enemy about God's care for her; Desperately trying and failing and trying to rest secure in Him.
What in the world is she talking about? If she had been a new Christian, or 14 or something, I would have understood. But here she was, having been a Christian a lot longer than me, having been in ministry a lot longer than me… what was going on? Something about it was real. Attractive. Honest.
Over the next year, I would begin to understand my darkness. I would witness people who struggled, and said so. I would witness people risking weakness in a community of acceptance and grace. I would see people share vulnerably about their sin, lovingly confronting those who hurt them, and asking forgiveness when they were wrong. I would learn from people who understood that, (as Peter Scazarro puts it), "You can't be spiritually mature without being emotionally mature."
(And for those of you who think that people in full-time ministry are on some higher spiritual plane, believe me when I tell you that this kind of community I have described above is extremely, extremely rare.)
So that was 1996. And over the next 15 years, I have understood more and more about my darkness.
Darkness is telling yourself that you will speak the truth about that painful incident, next time.
Darkness is believing that no conflict = peace.
Darkness is believing that being close to someone is about agreement. And the converse is also true-- disagreeing means we can't be close.
Darkness is trumping your heart with your mind, telling yourself you believe certain things are true, ignoring when your actions, thought life, and emotions scream otherwise.
Darkness is seeking to make God's reality true in your heart by your effort, lacking the freedom to say what is not true and letting Him do the miraculous in you.
Darkness is thinking that if I had just said it THAT way, or if I had approached it THAT way, (oh, wait, that didn't work), but THIS time if I do it THIS way, then that relationship will turn out differently. Yes, it's all up to me.
Darkness is seeking to be loved by making God (or others) happy.
Darkness is thinking that initiating is always good, or withdrawing is always bad.
Darkness is me in charge of my own growth process.
Darkness is thinking that spiritual growth is only about knowing God, and not myself. (Calvin said you can't know God without knowing yourself, and you can't know yourself without knowing God... The two go hand-in-hand.)
Darkness is seeking to know lots of truths about God but finding it almost impossible to be still and quiet with God, in His presence, not to gain anything from Him, but simply to be with Him.
The good news is that naming darkness means there is light. You cannot name what you cannot see, right? Can you name it?
And how can you name it?
(Just so it doesn’t sound like I’m saying over time I’ve gotten really smart and figured it out, or something ridiculous like that...And I'm asking HOW because it drives me crazy when some pastors' sermons could be summed as "BE HOLY!" without any acknowledgment that life isn't quite that tidy and the struggle is intense)
So, again, how can we grow to name our darkness?
Jesus says, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
"For You light my lamp; The LORD my God illumines my darkness."
