Soul Care #6: Lending Hope

Assumption #1: Behavior is purposeful.
Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships.
Assumption #3: People are ambivalent.
Assumption #4: Not all problems are 'solvable.'

Assumption #5: Good Counseling is about lending hope.
When a person seeks counsel from you, it is because they have limited faith and hope. They may come into your office having lost a relationship, or lost a loved one, or lost a dream, but more fundamentally, they have lost hope. They borrow these from you until they face the struggle and/or repent of what they need to so they can live as a person with renewed hope. When there are tears in your eyes over their heartache, and yet you carry it deep in your soul that we have a redeeming God, deeply believing that there is not one person, situation, or sin that cannot be redeemed for His glory, you renew their hope that He is good and the gospel's promises are really true. Being a counselor is giving faith and hope for a season until they have it deeply rooted again within themselves.

Haven't we all been on both ends of this conversation? This doesn't seem to be just for the counselor, but also the parent, the spouse, the child and the friend!

Soul Care #5: Not All Problems are "Solvable"

Assumption #1: Behavior is purposeful.
Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships.
Assumption #3: People are ambivalent.

Assumption #4: Not all problems are solvable, at least not in the way we define it. There are some struggles and heartaches without resolution in this life. We have a hard time swallowing this, because we think God wouldn't want us to face a hard struggle for a long time! But some things won't be better until heaven. This doesn't mean God isn't working, but many times He is working to draw you to Himself, not to relieve your struggle. And many times God does show up and work miracles in relationships and situations. But if you don't acknowledge that this doesn't always happen, you won't counsel for long. Some stories are too hard. And because of that...

(stay tuned for the next one... this was probably my favorite take away from the whole class!)

Soul Care #4: People are Ambivalent to Change

Assumption #1: Behavior is purposeful.
Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships.

Assumption #3: People are ambivalent. People want to get better, and they don't want to get better. Maybe you want a better relationship with someone, but you fear what it would cost you to be honest. So you recognize you both desire and run from hope.

Hope is dangerous. Consider Jesus by the pool of Bethesda. Jesus finds a man whose life is practically over. Jesus asks him, "Do you want to be well?" When the man responds with an excuse instead of a resounding "yes," we see that he has become accustomed to and defined by his struggle. He has turned the way he has protected himself become his friend rather than something to walk away from. We see this too in the slaves of Egypt. They want to be free, and yet want to return to captivity.

In every human, in every culture, in every organization and company, there is both dignity and depravity. Then tension between the two makes people ambivalent. A lot of counseling approaches look at only one of these. Are you the sinner? Or are you the Beloved? You are both.

Soul Care #3: Change Happens in Relationships

Assumption #1-- Behavior is Purposeful

Assumption #2: Change happens in relationships.
Real change doesn't happen alone. It is lived out in relationships with others. Relationships got you in trouble, and relationships will heal you. In the incarnation, we see that God redeems by sending Himself. The Trinity also is about relationships--God in relationship with Himself. If I am made in His image, then I am made to be connected with others and to Him.

How do you measure how much trouble someone is in? Is it harming their relationships? It needs attention. Are they living in the truth and telling themselves the truth about their relationships? Unhealthy people have unhealthy relationships and don't tell themselves the truth.

So my question is...
How do you speak the truth to someone who is not living in reality and doesn't want to hear the truth? My thought is first, you have to be a person who lives authentically in relationships yourself! (So much easier to see it in someone else, don't you think?) Then, I'm thinking a good counselor could winsomely surface the need that draws someone to hunger for the hard but loving word. Your thoughts?

Soul Care #2: Behavior is Purposeful

Here were our prof's thoughts about the assumptions he has before he walks into a counseling conversation:

Behavior is purposeful. God’s actions are purposeful, and as beings in His image, ours are too. Everything a person does will make sense if you understand the context. You do things for a reason. These are not 'excuses' or taking responsibility away from that person, but you are seeking to understand what is under their behavior.

If there is a behavior you say you want to change, but can’t seem to stop, there is often a more important goal underneath that behavior that is driving your actions. For example, if you have a messy desk, perhaps you don’t want people to expect much of you because you feel overwhelmed. Or if you have a hyper-clean house, maybe you are trying to control a manageable part of your life because other more important things in your life are out of your control. When puzzled by someone’s behavior, you can ask—“What would make this make sense?” Unless you figure out why that behavior is ‘working’ for them (or you!), there won’t be much change.

Soul Care #1: Gap Between Calling & Condition

Last week I had the privilege of attending a counseling class offered by a great program in the US. No, I didn’t go to the US—they came to us! To help me keep chewing on my notes, I thought I’d write out some “Soul Care Thoughts” that you may enjoy too…

The Gap between Calling and Condition

We all have a gap in our lives between what/who God has called us to be, and how we actually live out our bottom line beliefs. Some call this what we “say we believe” and what we “really believe.” Or you may think of it as areas of our lives where the gospel’s promises have not yet permeated our hearts. And we all have strategies we use to deal with this gap… Here are 3 common ways of dealing with the gap:

1) Compulsive and compliant. If I try really hard, I can ‘stop doing that.’ If I work really hard, I can force myself by virtue of good discipline to do what I ‘should do.’ But these types will eventually tire out.

2) Lowering expectations. These types are distant and defiant; actively or passively angry… “I can’t do it; I won’t try.” Eventually they tire everyone else out who tries to rescue them, fix them, etc… but they can’t.

3) Minimize the gap—it doesn’t exist. This is the party person who asks “What gap?” These people are always happy but don’t seem authentic; their lives and vanilla, dutiful, boring with no impact.

If you pretend there is no gap, you don’t need the gospel.

“An honest discussion of a soul will never be boring, because God doesn’t write boring stories.”

How do you close the gap?

(I’m definitely all over #1.)

Taking Off...

I'm leaving in the morning (weather permitting, as it's snowing now!) for another city to take a counseling course for this coming week.  I'm really excited about this on many scores, the least of which include escaping the sub-zero temperatures forecasted this week.  High's in the mid 50's where I'm headed!! This class is offered by a school that offers a stellar program in this field, and it's the first class I've taken since Dallas.  So I am thrilled for challenging, mind-engaging, heart-engaging, learning and conversations!

Thanks to my sweet hubby for encouraging me to take advantage of this opportunity, and will be playing Mr. Mom for the next 6 days! 

More when I return...

More Christmas Pics

A week late, here's some of our Christmas Day fun.

Priceless.

A girl's gotta have her shoes













































































Christmas breakfast on mommy's fun new dishes

Bennet let Mr. Matt borrow his super-hero glasses.


















The night vision goggles in action.


















Eat Jesus' bday cake in a secret society under the table.

Happy Birthday Nana!

This is the super-secret project I couldn't tell you about :)

Love you mom!

A Christmas Eve to Remember

 For Christmas Eve, we had our friends the Flenner's and the Newcomb's to dinner.  When we moved to Singapore in 2005, we began the tradition of making Tortellini Soup.  I'm not sure why we chose this, but it stuck. After we got the kids settled...

...and the adults sat down to dinner, 

I remembered I had forgotten the table centerpiece.  I'm not usually one to care about such things, so I was excited I actually planned for this. I ran off to the balcony to get it... I put it out there to keep the flowers fresh, since it's so COLD out there!  I'm still not sure how this happened, but a peice of this broke off in my hands and put a nasty gash in my right middle finger. I instinctively grabbed my finger with my thumb and wondered if perhaps a simple band-aid would do.

Here is the offending bowl.  See it? When I lifted my thumb, I realized this was no band-aid boo-boo. And before any of our guests had taken a single bite!  After sitting in the bathroom for a few minutes and taping my thumb and middle finger together to help the bleeding, we decided we might as well go ahead and eat dinner before heading to the hospital.

Here are my sweet friends Robyn and JJ. Do you know what they and they hubbies did while Jim & I took off for the ER? By the time we returned, the kids were playing happily, and my entire kitchen was spotless.Thanks friends!

We even made it back in time for our Advent candle 'program'!

After our friends left we promised hot cocoa and cookies under the tree.

When Kathryn cut her lip 2 weeks ago, we went to the well-known Western hospital.  It took about 5 hours from start to finish, and we paid $500.  This time we decided to try a nearer Japanese-Chinese hospital.  20 minutes away.  1 hour 15 minutes. $10. No kidding!  So if you have to end up at the ER on Christmas Eve, you should do it when your friends can watch your kids; Go to the Japanese hospital and pay $10.  Make sure you do it early enough in the evening so there is still time for candles and cookies when you get back! My little mishap in the kitchen put this Christmas on the map, but it could have been so much worse!

Merry Christmas!

Sometimes Christmas hymns feel so familiar that I miss the beauty in their lyrics. Soak in these less known phrases from common carols and draw your hearts to worship—rejoice with the saints of history before His throne! 

Paul Gerhardt, 1653

Shall we still dread God’s displeasure, who to save freely gave his most cherished treasure?

Martin Luther, 1524

A little child, thou art our guest, that weary ones in thee may rest; Thou comest in the dark-filled night to make us children of the light

Martin Luther, 1535

This little child of lowly birth shall be the joy of all the earth.

German hymn, @ 1500

This flower whose fragrance tender with sweetness fills the air, dispels with glorious splendor the darkness everywhere.

Isaac Watts, 1719

He comes to make His blessing flow far as the curse is found

Charles Wesley, 1739

God and sinners reconciled

William Dix, 1865

Nails, spear, shall pierce him through, the cross be borne for me, for you

Cookies and More

I'm not much of a baker, but my internal meter tells me that Christmas sugar cookies are a must for healthy child development! :)

And here is Auntie Mel's 3rd annual Kid's Cookie Baking Party--thanks Mel!

And here's the first time we've ever tried a ginger bread house!  The girls had SO much fun! (I didn't bake the house. It's from IKEA!)

Compassion is a Person

Late one winter night, the woman stood outside the grocery store with her young child, begging for money.  I cannot tell you the color of her thin coat, or the approximate age of her child, or the look in her eyes.  I cannot tell you because I walked away. With my arms full of groceries for my own family, I didn’t look back.

I had decided I would no longer give anything to people begging at that corner.  After all, they came because they knew that’s where foreigners shop.  I’ve seen the same few people there again and again.  Besides, it made me angry that the mother selfishly kept her child up so late, using her to make her cause more convincing. And my own kids were waiting for me—the night was filled with our own extenuating circumstances.

But as soon as I walked away, I knew. I knew it wasn’t my job to judge her motives or whether she was truly needy.  I knew that I didn’t really need the extra loaf of bread of the top of my bag.  I knew the problem was my heart.

I made a decision that day.  You see, making ‘rules’ about certain locations, or types of people… this just gave me an excuse for closing my heart.  The point is not that I would make a new ‘rule’ to give bread to every beggar.  The point is that I would live every day with an open, merciful heart.

When we read the familiar story about the good Samaritan, we see the response we know we ‘should’ have. We feel guilty.  We remember times we have turned away.  We meant to go back, but there were good reasons… Yet when I re-read this story this morning, I saw something I never had before.  The story is not primarily about how we are supposed to live.  The story presents a Person we are to follow.  Jesus is the Good Samaritan. 

I like words.  I do geeky things like look up words and how and when they are used. The phrase that describes how the Samaritan responded to the wounded man—He “felt compassion.” His open heart proceeded his response to the helpless one—a response of coming, bandaging wounds, and bringing him to the Inn.  This phrase is only used in the gospels, and it is only used to describe God Himself. 

When He saw the multitudes, Jesus was moved with compassion.

Jesus called forth His disciples and said, “I have compassion on these people.”

So Jesus had compassion on him and touched his eyes.

Jesus, moved with compassion, touched him and said “I am willing, be cleansed.”

When the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her and said, “Do not weep.”

When he was a long way off, His Father saw him, had compassion, and ran, fell on his neck and kissed him.

Yes, Jesus does say “Go and do likewise.”  But it is not a guilt-ridden command to follow a law of mercy.  It is a picture of a Person who saw us a long way off; One who goes after those who with sickly bodies and hearts. It is a call to follow a Person.

Stir-Crazy Stuck in the House

With highs below freezing for several days in a row, we mostly stayed in doors last week.  Here was the resurrection of one of our favorite crazy indoor activities.  Gather all soft obejcts in the house and catipult yourself off the couch--Pillow Pile!

December Musings

I've been in a posting slump.  I've been working on a lot of little projects- newsletters, homeschool co-op presentation, Christmas stuff, and a super secret project I can't tell you about yet :)

My husband thinks perhaps my 'readership' has given up on me. But I think you all have been just as busy this season as I have.

He also wants me to tell you that he walked our babysitter home in the cold, for the third time in a row. (It is 20 degrees outside right now.) Thank you, thank you!

I've also had trouble keeping up with our oldest daughter.  Kathryn has ideas that send her into outer spheres of the universe and I struggle to encourage her creativity yet bring her back to Earth. In the last week she's made plans to travel to Kenya to visit our young friends Sharon and Maureen; made tickets to sell for tightrope walking lessons; opened a store to sell bows and arrows, kleenex pictures, and clay beads; and counted her money to trade her sister in a for a puppy that costs about 1000 USD. Thankfully she came up a bit short. However in a moment of generosity, Kathryn (after deciding to keep her sister) and Ellie both gave away their semester's worth of allowance to buy Christmas gift bags for 240 migrant children. Awesome.

Tonight Jim and I tried a new Chinese restaurant that had about the tastiest fish I've ever tasted.  Then we walked to the local mall and bought one more Christmas present for Ellie, since Kathryn informed me this morning that there were 5 presents under the tree for her but only 4 for Ellie. (And a few for both, but those don't count in the tally.)  And we also learned yesterday that if you pull on a string of Chinese Christmas lights, the wires will become disconnected from the circuit board.  But you can easily open the panel and learn cool things about electric circuits, at least the ones that don't involve 220 volts.

I close with a picture from this morning's sunrise.  I know it doesn't really look like much.  But for our norm, this really is a beautiful sight.