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Christmas 2011 in Pics

2012-01-07T20:00:00.011-06:00

Thanks for your prayers for me in China. I'll have to write about that in another post! I returned on the 18th, and unfortunately brought some nasty version of the flu home with me. I was pretty darn sick for about a week. But if you have to be sick, it was a good time to be, because there was a lot of help around!

We spent Christmas 2011 in our friends' lakehouse in on Lake Kiowa. Thanks so much, McCann's, for your generosity! With most of our family in Texas, it was a great location to invite everyone to come too. We were with my parents, Jim's parents, my brother Aaron and his wife Kristen, Aubrey and Taylor; my sister Jennifer, Tim, Ethan and Elise. We missed Meme & Papa, the Lamottas, the Bishops, and the Dingo's!

Uncle Tim...

Cousin Elise always has such expressive faces!

No matter what's in the box, it's cool to have all your cousins gawking

Ellie & Nana

Ellie and Elise

Ellie and Ethan

Dancing fun with Elise

Aunt Jennifer, GG

Our advent wreath

We love GG & Da!

Kathryn & baby cousin Taylor

Ellie & Taylor

Kathryn & Aubrey

Aubrey & Nana

Ellie & Aubrey

baby Taylor's 1st Christmas!

Aunt Kristen, Aubrey, Taylor, Kathryn

Good lookin' couple!

Cousin fun...

Wallace fam pic

Happy Birthday Nana on the 28th

my brother Aaron and Taylor

cousin pic!

so kissable!

gorgeous sunrises!

Yes, 70 degrees and sunny! Awesome!

2011-12-03T23:44:00.003-06:00

Yes, I know the blog has been sorely neglected this semester!

My semester is winding to a close. Would you pray for me? And Jim and the girls while I'm away? I leave this coming Friday for a counseling opportunity in China. I've had to finish the semester about 10 days early, which means the last few weeks have been pretty stressful, but I turned in my term paper on Friday and finished my exam tonight! Yeah! My term paper was actually very formative for me as a counselor and I'm thankful to my prof who allowed me to tweak it for my own interest and growth. Now just three more days of clients, winding up lose ends, and I'm off!

Can I sing the praises of my sweet husband for a moment? He took the girls to Aunt Julie's today and cleared the whole day for me so I could finish my exam. And he encouraged me to go on this trip, and has paved the way for me to take advantage of this great opportunity. I feel the love, hon.

I leave you with a quote, thinking about leading others as one being led.

"Paul calls leaders not merely to be humble and self-effacing but to be desperate and honest. It is not enough to be self-revealing, authentic, and transparent. Our calling goes far beyond that. We are called to be reluctant, limping, chief-sinner leaders, and even more, to be stories. The word that Paul uses is that a leader is to be an ‘example,’ but what that implies is more than a figure on a flannel board. He calls us to be a living portrayal of the very gospel we beseech others to believe. And that requires a leader to see himself as being equally prone to deceive as he is to tell the truth, to manipulate as he is to bless, to cower as he is to be bold. A leader is both a hero and a fool, a saint and a felon.

We are both and to pretend otherwise is to be disingenuous. The leader who fails to face [his] darkness must live with fear and hypocrisy. The result will be a defensiveness that places saving face and controlling others as higher goods than blessing others and doing good work. Clearly, the biblical model of leadership is odd, inverted, and deeply troubling. It is so troubling that most churches, seminaries, and other religious organizations would never hire a ‘chief sinner.’ The only one who thinks to do so is God." --Dan Allender, Leading With a Limp

Beautiful Fall

2011-11-05T08:32:00.005-05:00

Last weekend, my sweet friend April from Dallas came to visit! Though she was a Ranger fan in the land of Cardinal's on the historic weekend, she managed not to get trampled. On Friday, the day of game 7, we went downtown and toured the arch and witnessed the mayhem surrounding the Cardinal's stadium: the fountains died red, the campers on the lawn, the crowds with signs "I have tickets!"; "I need tickets"...

But on Saturday we took a little day trip to Pere Marquette State Park, near Grafton, IL, along "Three River Drive" where the Mississippi, Missouri and Illinois rivers merge. It was gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous! Here are some tastes of the beauty of Saint Louis Fall at the height of color!

Thanks my friend for coming to spend the weekend with me! And thanks to her hubby Britt who surprised her and made it happen! (And my hubby too who released me to play for the weekend! :)

Plowing Into Darkness

2011-10-21T09:42:00.003-05:00

I've decided this semester-- NO counseling textbooks before bed. Not allowed.
Instead, I've been reading children's literature. It's a really delightful way to end the day. In the past when I was homeschooling, this was one of the parts of the 'job' that I loved-- researching, selecting, and reading really good literature with the girls. And not just for their sake!

So I've been reading the Chronicles of Narnia series. I know this is probably a little overdone in our circles, but I have NEVER read it. I didn't realize until after finishing Lion Witch and Wardrobe with the girls, that it is really the 2nd book in the series. Book 1 really fills in some gaps! Go figure! The girls and I just finished Book 1, but I just finished Voyage of the Dawn Treader (Book 5). Ellie said this week-- "Mommy, stop reading ahead! It's not fair!" Sorry Ellie, mommy is having too much fun. So I leave you today with this excerpt:

Behind them was the sea and the sun, before them, the Darkness.

"Do we go into this?" asked Caspian.
"Not by my advise," said Drinian.
"The Captain's right," said several sailors.
"I almost think he is," said Edmund.
Lucy and Eustace didn't speak but they felt very glad inside at the turn things seemed to be taking. But all at once, the clear voice of Reepicheep broke in upon the silence.

"And why not?" he said. "Will someone explain to me why not.... If I were addressing peasants or slaves, I might suppose that this suggestion proceeded from cowardice. But I hope it will never be told in Narnia that a company of noble and royal persons in the flower of their age turned tail because they were afraid of the dark."

"But what manner of use would it be, plowing through that blackness?" asked Drinian.

"Use? replied Reepicheep. "Use, Captain? If by use you mean filling our bellies or our purses, I confess it will be no use at all. So far as I know we did not set sail to look for things useful but to seek honor and adventure. And here is as great an adventure as ever I hear of, and here, if we turn back, no little impeachment of all our honors."

(And if we are at all honest, we would reply like Caspian)--
"Oh bother you, Reepicheep. I almost wish we'd left you at home. All right! If you put it that way, I suppose we shall have to go on."

Somehow this is comforting, and inspiring, as I take up the charge of plowing through darkness this year-- my own, and the darkness of others. It takes great courage, and I greatly identify with the tentative sailors aboard the the Dawn Treader. Yet there is life and freedom and joy on the other side of it. So you must read to the end of the book!

It's a.... Watermelon!

2011-10-03T20:55:00.003-05:00

Back in May, our friend Hudson gave us a watermelon seeding. It sat in the sink for about a week while I was uncertain what to do with it. Jim said-- find a home for it, or it's a goner. So I went out to the back yard and found a spot. Pulled up a bunch of weeds to make room for it. And planted the little thing. Then we left town for 6 weeks. This side of the house gets a TON of sun, and I totally didn't expect it to survive. We came back, and lo and behold, there was a gangly vine running wild!

A few weeks later there were a few little watermelon buds, but only one really developed. We kept checking it, and somehow it kept getting bigger! Can you tell that I continued to be shocked that it made it?

After about 2 weeks of non-growth and cooler temps, we decided it had grown all it would, and had the ceremonial cutting. And it actually tasted SWEET! Not a prize winner by any stretch, but for our first watermelon ever, I was sincerely impressed! Check out our proud lil' gardeners! Thanks Hudson!

Elephant Rock State Park

2011-10-03T20:43:00.004-05:00

I have pictures! These were taken on Labor Day when we went with some new friends, the Nye's to Elephant Rock State Park. What a lovely day!

Joelle, Kathryn, Corey & Ellie

The Counselor is...

2011-09-18T21:51:00.007-05:00

Yes, I am keenly aware that I haven't really posted anything in a few weeks. I have dived deep into the waters of my counseling internship. About 5 times, I've started to write posts about my initial experiences. But they never make it to "print."

There's the crazy scheduling part.
I'm learning how to juggle my schedule with clients, to leave a slight bit of margin, so I can get the kids off to school and sit down with someone without being completely frazzled. And I can leave enough time at the end of the day to finish the necessary paperwork, not bring it home with me, and rushing off to pick the girls up without risking life and limb to meet their bus. So far, I'm spending about an hour per client thinking through what we discussed, writing out reflection notes, and processing ideas for our next session together. I thought there would be time to study for class in between clients, but that's not happening. But this is not really what I'm learning.

I have 6 clients so far. One couple; 5 women. They are a mix of different ages, ethnicities, social classes, backgrounds, and needs. Ideally I could take on more (so they tell me), but so far 6 feels PLENTY. I can't tell you about them, but I wish I could, because I'm learning so much through them. I wish you could hear their stories. Because the most poignant moments are in their stories.

But mostly, it's not because of confidentiality that I haven't written. It's just because I don't know how to articulate the impact its having on my soul. Some moments feel so ordinary that they are too banal to write about. But many moments feel sacred and beyond the blogsphere, and I have no words. But maybe the words will start flowing, and then you'll be the first to know.

2011-09-14T21:00:00.001-05:00

“It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are—even if we tell it only to ourselves—because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing.”

Frederick Buechner, Telling Secrets

First Day of School

2011-08-24T07:58:00.000-05:00

I know I'm behind in posting pics, but last Tues. the 16th was the girls first day of school in 1st and 3rd grades!

Ellie has Mrs. Goyal, who was already unfortunately put on bedrest for her pregnancy, and so Ellie has a sub from the start. But she loves Mrs. Card!

K has Mrs. Zoroufchi. That's right. Za-roof-she. She from Iran, which we think is really cool!

Yeah for the start of school! How many more years do you think the girls will be rejoicing about going back to school?

Whiskers and Tales

2011-08-23T07:00:00.000-05:00

Last Sat. at our library, they had the "Whiskers and Tales" program, where therapy dogs come as guest audiences for kids who read to them. It was SUCH fun to watch! When you entered the room, there were about a dozen dogs to choose from, and you sat down with that dog and read your book to them. Each dog was accompanied by their owner who told you about them and sat with you during your time. The girls each got to pick 3 dogs. We were concerned about Ellie's allergies but we just filled her with Benadryl before we left, and she didn't sneeze once!

Colby...

Jade...

and Sydnie...

Are Squirrels Intelligent?

2011-08-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

After returning from our Colorado vacation and thinking about how much I enjoyed the hummingbird feeder, Jim bought me this bird feeder. I know this is a simple pleasure, I can't tell you how much fun its been to watch and see who comes to visit.

Here is our famous local-- the Cardinal, and I believe the other is a goldfinch?

But let me tell you who else has been visiting:

The sheer muscle strength to hold himself up in that position!

Not only has he consistently emptied the entire feeder within a few hours, but the other day he chewed right through the rope causing the whole thing to tumble to the ground. It seemed quite premeditated, I'm beginning to think that squirrels have a bit of intelligence??

Know Thyself ... and the Gospel

2011-08-19T07:00:00.000-05:00

What does "knowing yourself" have to do with the gospel?

And how is it not just an individualistic, Western, self-centeredness?

Someone asked me this question lately, and I thought it was worthy of some reflection. Here are my thoughts.

-It’s about LOVE. A person without a accurate view of themself, who gives out of ‘should’, out of a need for the affirmation of others, out of seeking to meet biblical standards in their own effort, is NOT freely loving, even if it appears so from the outside. Is giving out of ‘should’ better than not giving at all? “Man looks at the outer appearance but God looks at the heart.” Just as God did not desire sacrifices, but a humble spirit and repentant heart.

-This person described above is in serious danger of living a life of legalism & self-righteousness, and/or, on the flip side, self-condemnation and shame. These are enemies of the gospel.

-It’s about awareness, “know thyself” as Dr. Hannah and Calvin would say. Someone who does not know themselves (but has allowed themselves to be defined by everyone else) cannot know God very deeply, and surely doesn’t truly praise Him or need Him, because they don’t know their own dignity or depravity.

-Knowing your dignity- A person with a solid sense of self CAN lead to a profound level of worship, because you come to appreciate the unique ways you have been designed by God to serve His people. This person can serve, not from duty, but from a sense of deep joy and passion in the ways of His design.

-Knowing your depravity. Here’s a big one. A person who does not know themselves will have a shallow appreciation of their fallenness, and therefore of the gospel. Surely this is a lifetime process and we all grow in understanding our sinfulness over time. But a growing sense of self will lead to a growing awareness of selfishness, brokenness, etc… in the midst of the dignity, that can bring a growing awareness of grace.

It is a mistake to think that “defining yourself” is contrary to living sacrificially. Actually it is only a person who knows well the depths of their depravity and the glory of their God-given dignity who can live dependent upon grace instead of a false self, and freely give themselves away.

This is why “know thyself” is critical to the gospel.

Six Flags Adventure

2011-08-18T15:37:00.002-05:00

As a part of a summer reading program, the girls won tickets to Six Flags! But they had to be used before the start of school, so we had a day of fun. Honestly, I was SO dreading the heat. But the clouds rolled in that morning and it was like 80 degrees! So fun and unexpected for August!

Their favorite was the log ride, and I'm so glad we finally convinced Ellie to go... because I really wanted to ride too! :)

For anyone who knows Ellie's fear issues, I was shocked she'd put her head in there!

Summer Pics 4

2011-08-08T13:15:00.003-05:00

This is the last of our CO cabin pics. This is an ordinary hummingbird feeder. I couldn't find any solution, and then K said, "It's just sugar and water, mom." Right. So we mixed up some, and the hummingbirds came in mass numbers! We went through 4 of these containers in less than 48 hrs!! If you look carefully, you'll see 6 hummingbirds in this pic!!

I love the pic of this doe poised next to the no hunting sign :)

Our last picnic of the week...

We went on a short hike and there was a lovely waterfall at the end!

Goodbye, Colorado. We'll miss you!

Well, That's All Folks...

2011-08-06T07:00:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not done blogging, but this series has come to an end!

These "Bringing It All Together" posts began as a series written over the last 2 months, to consolidate the concepts I have been processing in my counseling program before I begin my internship. I started with the brain, but there was so much to say about neurology, it turned into its only mini-series! Most of these posts are my processed version of class notes practically applied. I tried to write about real people and real life, not principles up in the clouds. Many of these posts are “notes to self” open for your questions, comments, and challenge. I hope you found some thought-provoking, life-giving, hope-filled food-for-thought in this series!

Resources Referred to in this Series, in thought or quote:

Anatomy of the Soul, Curt Thompson

Couples in Conflict, Richardson

Emotional Resilience, Viscott

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Scazarro

Extraordinary Relationships, Gilbert

Family Crucible, Napier

Healing Path, Allender

Holding Hearts, Holding Hands, Phillips

Mindsight, Daniel Siegel

The Neuroscience of Human Relationships, Cozolino

Sexuality & Holy Longing, McMinn

To Be Told, Allender

If you are looking for more on a particular topic, or if you want to dialogue about any of this material, please email me at traciekwallace@gmail.com. I have also put all these posts together in one pdf document which I am happy to share.

Bringing It All Together 28: There Is One Healer (and It’s Not Me)

2011-08-05T07:00:00.000-05:00

When I first started my counseling program, I remember feeling a bit shocked that our professors were talking to us right away as if we were counselors. They were, it seemed strange to me, assuming that we were shortly going to have real clients with real problems sitting in front of us one day.

I got used to that kind of talk, but that turns into reality here in a couple weeks once the girls go back to school. Real people seeking healing over real trauma, real suffering, real loss, real abuse, and real relational heartache. And that can feel a little bit overwhelming and a whole lot humbling. So I write these words for my own heart…

Remember, Tracie, before you walk into the room, that God is already working. It is not up to you. God alone is the healer, so you can boldly join with Him a moment when you know you don't have what it takes... and to remain confidant when all seems without hope.

Live in the present moment. Preparations, theories, class notes and case studies are good and helpful, and you need to learn some things. But when you walk into the room, throw away your script. Trust His Spirit within you to guide, reveal, and carry you in that moment. Trust your own heart, His image within you that enables you to relate, and His authorship of your own story by which you are being shaped. For He is answering that prayer you have long prayed, “Make me bold with strength in my soul.”

Summer Pics 3

2011-07-31T23:05:00.007-05:00

Our first afternoon at the cabin... here's the view from the front drive

Wildflower walk

Smores by the campfire

The next day we drove up to Pingree Park, an extension campus of CSU and had a picnic nearby

And our first hike... I'm hoping we can keep building the girls' tolerance for camping and hiking!

Summer Pics 2

2011-07-30T08:37:00.005-05:00

One weekend we had a picnic afternoon in the mountains in Poudre Canyon. SUCH a gorgeous drive!

Mom, can we go rafting with them??

Skipping rocks...

More coming...

Summer Pics 1

2011-07-29T13:43:00.008-05:00

I'm only about 2 posts shy of finishing my 'Bring It All Together Series' but I'm taking a break to post some summer pics.

The girls and I spent 2 weeks in Ft. Collins while Jim was finishing up his class. Ft. Collins is just at the foothills of the mountains, just east of Rocky Mountain National Park.

On July 4th, there was a kid's scooter parade, that unfortunately ended in a crash and burn incident for Ellie after the first 30 seconds of the parade. But we were all happy beforehand:

The girls participated in an awesome Kids Camp program. I'm posting these because they will love to look and see their teachers and friends on here!

On the last day there was a talent show, and I was surprised to find that Ellie had an opening part in a dance performance. She hadn't told me!! I have a really cute video clip that isn't loading properly :( I've had that problem before. Anyone know what might be the problem transferring a video from camera to blog?

Jim taught Biblical Interpretation and Communication. By the title that may sound technical and dry, but it's actually a WONDERFUL, heart-oriented course. Here are the students he coached:

More pics coming!

Bringing It All Together 27: Hope for the Dead

2011-07-28T07:00:00.004-05:00

What happens when someone is completely resistant to change? Even though they are asking for help, they really only want symptom relief, or for you to side with their anger towards another, or for you to affirm their dysfunction, or deny there is anything worth pondering? What do you do when the forecast of change seems hopeless?

Let's say that Beverly is struggling with anxiety. Her doctor sent her to you, as a prerequisite for prescribing her anxiety meds. But now that she is on the meds and is feeling a little better, she doesn't see the point of counseling. As you ask questions about her family background, she responds defensively and doesn't see what the point of discussing that is. From her intake form you know that she has experienced abuse by her father and ex-husband, but she refuses to go there. Beverly doesn't want healing. She wants relief. Is there hope for Beverly, in this life, to live with a whole heart that is undivided and free to love?

Though Beverly doesn't believe this, YOU have to be very clear on a view of humanity guided by God's creation of her in His image. Though Beverly's heart seems dead, you know it IS down in there. She IS wired to connect with people deeply, and because of that she DOES hunger to have her heart freed, no matter how buried and numb it seems to be.

So when Beverly "feels nothing," you must be filled with hope for her as you remind yourself that God has made her in His image hungry for meaningful relationships. Even the person who is "dead" has the need, and God-given capacity to relate. It has NOT been completely destroyed by the Fall.

Beverly may walk away before you can reach her, but you provide the opportunity for Beverly to experience relationship in a different way. Someone who is full of HOPE can reach out to her, love her well despite her resistance, not believe the outward appearance but explore the beauty and sorrow buried deep within her. The Lord may just be pleased to use YOU to awaken the dead!

Bringing It All Together 26: What Does Change Look Like?

2011-07-27T07:00:00.001-05:00

Knowing that my role is to walk alongside and that CHANGE is not my job, I can then honestly ask what change looks like and be the best ambassador of change I can be.

Does that sound contradictory?

The ambassador who is RESPONSIBLE for change lives in constant pressure and growing fear, especially when considering the WEIGHT of others' brokenness.

But the ambassador who is an ADVOCATE of change can focus on creating an environment ripe of change while leaving the results in God's hands.

That being said, change might look like...

...an honest looking at the wound. Remember the post about a human commitment to avoid pain? Growth starts when you begin honestly dealing with the pain that is there.

...living in a present tense reality. People are often either stuck with the pain of the past or ignoring the pain of the past by putting all their emphasis on the future. When you are living honestly, you see how the past impacts the present, but you can live in the NOW with a good longing for what is not yet.

...living in freedom over a period of time. It is a long process for a person to realize the ways they have been bound... the ways that they cope with life in an effort to avoid pain. Once a person SEES this, they can begin to make forays into different choices in the direction of freedom. Yet it is not MAKING an initial change that is most difficult, but MAINTAINING that change that shows increasing freedom. Sound discouraging? Baby steps DO count.

Here's an example:
Allison grew up in a home where her father was emotionally abusive and her mother lived in fear of her dad's wrath. He has mellowed over the years, but Allison has lived her life like a little mouse making tiny forays into the kitchen looking for crumbs but expecting to be pounced on by the house cat. Allison married Pete because he is so different from her dad-- He is gentle and affirming-- but also lives in a great deal of fear. When Pete and Allison go to her family's home for Christmas, they avoid all controversial discussion. Though largely unaware, Allison is HIGHLY anxious and can't wait to leave. One subject that has always been a source of conflict is politics. Allison's dad has VERY strong and blasting opinions about a certain political party, but Allison sees things differently. She would NEVER tell her dad what she really thinks... All the while, her mom never defends Allison either. She sits in submissive silence.

What might change look like for Allison?

Over time, Allison realizes how her whole life is gripped by fear and intimidation of strong people and conflict avoidance. She begins to grieve these stories from her past, where her vulnerable soul an own sense of individual personhood was buried under a think layer of commitment to keep others happy. She slowly becomes more and more in touch with her own thoughts and feelings. She can share these with Pete and other friends who encourage her emerging sense of self. Allison is a Christian and loves Jesus, but she has always feared His wrath and doubted her own salvation, wondering if she has really believed in the 'right' way. She strives to memorize Bible verses about FEAR, but it doesn't work. What is she doing wrong? Slowly Allison sees the parallel here with her own dad-- God seems an awful lot like her dad. She soaks her little-girl heart in passages about His deep love for her... she ponders what this might mean... she pours her heart out to the Lord despite her fears... she begins to believe that He wants her heart more than her good behavior... and the thick layers slowly begin to peel off.

Still, Allison's brain has been wired for a long time with intense stress reactions. She has a hard time falling asleep, experiences frequent migraine headaches, TMJ from a continually clinched jaw, and has recurring nightmares. Allison begins to learn how her body and her mind and her soul are a connected whole, and she begins to learn how exercise, a healthy diet, and relaxation exercises are an important part of rewiring her anxious brain.

For awhile, Allison creates space from her dad, so that her soul can breathe in a healthy place. But eventually, she wants to move toward him, even to forgive him. And yet, there is a lot of grieving to do. In this process, she does some thinking about her dad's family. She beings to see how her dad was just as deeply impacted by his family and she was by hers. She sees how her mom's lack of protection of her stems from her own fear that is as deeply rooted as Allison's. Along with the fear of her dad begins to grow a tiny seed of compassion.

Then comes a test: She and Pete go home the next year for Thanksgiving. She doesn't entirely avoid her dad. She actually wants to understand more about him. She asks him some questions about his parents. He is highly resistant and doesn't want to go there. She is sad about that, and she reacts in fear, but she can now see clearly that her dad's resistance doesn't have anything to do with her. She is becoming more secure in herself. Still, she realizes now that being in her childhood home is a source of great anxiety for her. Pete and Allison decide to cut their 6 day trip down to 4 days. They know that her parents will not understand that, but they also let go of the responsibility they feel to explain that, and do what it takes to care well for their own hearts so that they can love her parents well.

Over time, Allison notices that she is more OK with herself. Angry people don't terrify her with quite the same degree of fear, and when she feels that fear, she knows where it comes from. Her friends notice an emerging sense of expression. She says more and more what she thinks and desires. Some people who liked the fearful, 'whatever you want from me' part of her move onto other people-pleasing relationships, and Allison knows that this isn't her fault.

Allison is also growing in freedom in her relationship with the Lord. She trusts that His love for her is more real that the fear she feels, and she is beginning to reach out to other women who struggle in this same way. When she is gripped by fear (this still happens sometimes), she is aware, and she brings this to the Lord rather than desperately trying to get rid of it. She knows in a deep way that He is there in her struggle.

Allison's marriage is also beginning to change. Initially it doesn't look better, but worse. They have both been deeply committed to keep the peace, and with growing awareness comes more conflict. They thought they were so 'compatible', but now they see and begin to grieve how much of themselves they have not shared with the other. There is a long journey ahead towards being emotionally naked... let alone unashamed. The story is still being written.

Allison is on a long, beautiful, lifetime journey of change.

Bringing It All Together 25: The Role of the Counselor E

2011-07-26T07:00:00.002-05:00

The Role of the Counselor: What am I responsible for?

This is a great question. At the root of this question are different philosophies about the goal of counseling. What does change in the counseling room look like? If they feel better, have I done my job? And how does being a Christian counselor change things? If I help a person by giving them tools to relieve some of their debilitating symptoms, but I haven't really helped them see the deeper needs of their heart and brought them to Jesus, have I helped them?

This is tricky, especially in an age where insurance companies cover a very limited number of sessions, emphasizing 'quick' solution-focused therapies... Does "A Path to Joy in 4 weeks" sound like the reality of the Christian life?

Here are my thoughts:

As a counselor, you have to remember what you are responsible for. You are a guide along the path, joining a person wherever they are on their journey. Sometimes you get to walk with them for 2 weeks, and sometimes 2 years. Sometimes you see things they are not ready to see, and you might never get there. Sometimes they will be highly resistant and go find someone who will do a 'quicker job.' So If all I get to do is help them develop ways of dealing with high levels of stress, so they can think more clearly and make better decisions, have I failed them?

Surely I wanted to do more than that. Surely I wanted to help them see the roots of their stress reactions. Surely I wanted to help them wrestle with the pain in their stories. Surely I wanted to bring them to see Jesus walking with them in their pain, and bringing them to greater wholeness so they can experience His delight in them, and come to a place of engaging others in a wholehearted way. But that won't always happen.

And that is not my job. My job is to join them on their journey towards wholeness and freedom, for however long the Lord allows. If I can keep that perspective, then I can rejoice where there is change, and I can sorrow when there is resistance... and rest knowing that lasting GROWTH comes from the Lord.

...More tomorrow on "What does Change Look Like?"

Bringing It All Together 24: The Role of the Counselor D

2011-07-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

The Role of the Counselor D: Giving Advise? Or Being With?

Hands down, when a person comes to a counselor, they are generally looking for advise.

What should I do about my wayward daughter?

What can you do about my demanding spouse?

I'm feeling unfulfilled in my job-- should I pursue a new career?

But what happens if you give advise? Advise can be treacherous. If they try what you suggest and it doesn't work, then you are in trouble. Because you are the expert, and it 'didn't work.' And if they try it and it DOES work, you are also in trouble. WHY? Because now you have built in a guaranteed dependence. They don't own it, they just know that you will help them solve their problems. They are not taking greater responsibility for themselves.

Sometimes the toughest role to play is to help people reflect, and to NOT deliver advise when their soul is crying out for an answer. Giving advise DOES relieve the pressure a counselor might feel to DO something to help. But people are much more motivated to change when you help THEM discover a good path for themselves.

Rather, my role is to be WITH people.

If I believe that my presence in more important than answers, then I am freed up to be WITH people rather than feel pressure to offer solutions. The answers you offer is not where the power is. The power comes in entering your relationship with them in a different way than they have experienced before. After all, you can expect that the unhealthy ways that they function in relationships WILL show up in the room with you. And so as they experience someone who does NOT react to their mess with anxiety, withdraw, attack, enablement, etc... (the ways they usually experience people), then you open up a vista for change in their heart.

Happy Weekend!

2011-07-23T07:00:00.000-05:00

After 3 1/2 weeks in Colorado for our conference and little family rest time, we SHOULD be on our way back to Saint Louis today... (but I'm writing this days in advance, so I'm forecasting...)

I'm going to just go ahead and assume that my soul has been deeply refreshed by soaking in the beauty of the mountains.

I saw a documentary lately that legitimized the neurological relaxation and healing that happens by enjoying nature. It showed that hospital patients who had a nature view out there window required HALF the amount of pain medication, and we released from the hospital 2 days earlier. WOW!

You might not have a lovely view out your window, so here you go... (These are not my own pics, but hopefully I'll have some of my own to post soon!)

Bringing It All Together 23: The Role of the Counselor

2011-07-21T07:00:00.003-05:00

Role of the Counselor C: What Does Loving Confrontation Look Like?

In large measure, I would like to pose this question to SOMEONE ELSE, because this is not my bent!

Here is an example of two types of confrontation... you tell me which one would be more effective!!

Joe has come to you because he is engaged to Carrie, but he has been secretly having sex with his old girlfriend, Deann. He doesn't know if he and Carrie are compatible. He wants to break it off with Deann, but he's not sure what to do.

Response A:

"Joe, the clearest thing I see going on here is that your relationship with Deann is wrong. It is God's clear design that sex be reserved for the marriage relationship only. Starting your marriage relationship with sexual sin would be a really bad idea."

Response B:

"Joe, I'm really concerned for you. Because in my experience, people who are wrestling with such a big decision while emotionally attached to someone else are really confused. They don't know what's going on inside, or who they really are. And here you are in this position, making a huge life decision from a position of utter confusion."

Response A is concerned primarily about Joe's BEHAVIOR. You are laying down the law, and all that Joe knows is that you disagree. How SAFE does Joe feel with you to begin exploring the deeper things of the heart?

Response B invites Joe to explore his heart. It does not confuse behavior with the bigger issues at hand. It lets Joe know that you see more than what appears to be true on the outside. You are not condoning his behavior, but you are inviting him to dig with you into the deeper motivations that are driving his behavior. If you do not accept Joe as a person, they will not walk along with you on a journey towards better relationship with God and others.

Loving confrontation corrects and connects at the same time!

Bringing It All Together 22: The Role of the Counselor

2011-07-20T07:00:00.004-05:00

The Role of the Counselor B: BOTH Care & Confrontation

Chances are, you know people that are really good at caring for people but would never mention an offense.

And you might know some people who are really gifted in speaking the truth when it hurts, but they are not the most nurturing of individuals.

But usually, we are not naturally bent towards both. And yet, good counsel offers both and knows when each is needed. People need to be affirmed and encouraged, reminded of their goodness (especially!) when they are suffering consequences of their depravity. AND people need to be challenged and exhorted, like a puppy whose nose is rubbed in the evidence of their immaturity. If a client/friend could SEE all the ways they need to grow and be challenged to change, then they wouldn't need your counsel.

Notice which direction your heart responded to the last paragraph. Did you say "Oh, yes, I want to remind them of all that is good in them." Or did you say, "YES! They probably need a good kick in the pants!" It's important to know your leaning.

Jesus did both. He longed to care for Jerusalem like a mother hen with her chicks (Mt. 23:37). And he continually rebuked those who were certain of their own goodness, especially the Pharisees, who abused the Law for their own purposes. And more importantly, he knew which was needed in each circumstance.

In general, I think-- Are they aware of their struggle and broken up over their mess? This person needs care. But if they are pointing the finger at others and blind to the way that their brokenness hurts others... well, they probably need some loving truth.

BUT, people are complicated, right? People do MASTER cover-up jobs. There are people who are REALLY SKILLED at playing the self-critic (the kind that appears to need grace) so that no one else will. And there are people who THRIVE in abrasiveness, (the kind you may feel like blasting) because deep down they feel deeply unloved.

So, bottom line, you need great WISDOM!

Bringing It All Together 21: The Role of the Counselor A

2011-07-19T07:00:00.002-05:00

The Role of the Counselor: The Counselor is a broken person too... so what do you do with that?

OK, I'm making a shift... from the stuff a counselor sees "out there" to the stuff going on "in here." The counselor is a human being too-- full of created goodness and depravity, just like anyone else. And just like anyone else, they have things that make them anxious and make them want to run away. So how does the counselor sit and help others, while dealing with their own internal mess?

Here's my theory which I haven't experienced to a great degree in the counseling room but seems true in all of LIFE--

Your ability to listen well and respond non-anxiously to another person has everything to do with how well you know and are OK being yourself.

There's a fancy term for the effect that a client has on a counselor-- it's called transference.

Here's an example: Say that Sally (the counselor) is meeting with Angie and Bob (the clients) for marriage counseling. Angie is ticked off and accusatory. Bob is withdrawn and non-responsive. Transference happens when Sally begins siding emotionally with Angie, because deep down Bob's lack of response reminds her of her own dad's inability to respond to her emotional needs. Or, it happens when Sally begins to feel that Sally is really the one to blame, because Angie reminds Sally of her mom's flagrant anger. If Sally is going to truly HELP Bob and Angie, she is going to have to deal with her own anger in a way that she can develop rapport with BOTH of them and not unconsciously blame Bob OR Sally for what she did not receive.

Here's another example: Say that Sally is meeting with Mary who wants to process the impact of the physical abuse she experienced as a child which is affecting intimacy in her marriage. As Mary is relating parts of her traumatic experience, Sally becomes OVERWHELMED with anxiety as Mary's story is uncomfortably similar to an experience Sally had with a old college boyfriend. In this example, Sally is going to be limited in her ability to help Mary to the degree that she has processed (dealt honestly with, grieved) her own story of abuse.

Counselors are not superhuman, but have 'hot button' issues in their hearts that cause anxiety and fear. Being a good counselor (officially to a client, or unofficially to a friend!) doesn't mean that you are always calm and never ruffled. Rather, it's MAKING SENSE of your own anxieties that will enable you to recognize, own, but not RESPOND out of that fear when someone else needs your non-anxious presence. The fear is still there, but it doesn't get to WIN. And when your own anxiety and fear doesn't win, then you can really be present for another person.

Bringing It All Together 20: On Dating

2011-07-18T07:00:00.001-05:00

Jim and I have a very unique and quite messy dating story that is worth telling. It's a story full of intrigue, mess, trauma, hormones, joy, pain, agony, fear, and delight. Not in that particular order. And certainly NOT a Cinderella story. And yet, it is our story.

Because of our experience (and yes, I realize that I'm brushing past the story!) I have some strong opinions about dating, engagement, and getting married. I thought these were just based on my story. And yet, when we spent some time in Marriage & Family talking about dating this year, it helped me articulate better WHY I had these opinions. So you want to hear them?

Shortly after we got married, the whole "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (i.e. the "courting" movement) took off. In this view, (as I understand it) dating is taken off the table. Why would you want to open yourself up to the pain of letting someone into your heart only to break if off later? Commitment is front loaded-- let's just go ahead and get married, and we will get to know each other once there is a life-long commitment in place. It didn't sit right with me. I thought to myself, "If Jim had that view, we never would have gotten married!" There are some big potential pitfalls with this view:

When a relationship is moving towards marriage, (see this perspective explained more thoroughly in Holding Hands, Holding Hearts), there are 3 things that are simultaneously growing.

1) intimacy- growing knowledge of each other
2) interdependence- growing in sharing your life with another
3) commitment- growing promise of commitment to the other

The three factors grow progressively in a relationship. The more you sense that you know another, and share your life with another, the more your heart grows in ability to commit to that person. In a healthy relationship both are testing how these three fit together and whether the relationship should continue.

But what the courting movement suggests is that you should single out the "commitment" piece without a sense of growing intimacy or interdependence. Rather than meeting and continuing to explore relating to each other, you commit on the front end and figure out the rest later. Why do this? To avoid risk and pain and make the relationship safe. But unfortunately, the heart doesn't work this way. In order to do this (make a commitment with no sense of intimacy), you have to shut down your questions and hesitancies. A premature commitment cuts off awareness of your own heart.

In the wake of a growing divorce rate (which is no better for Christians than non-Christians), courtship counters with an high view of marital commitment and an emphasis away from a touchie-feelie evaluation of 'compatibility'. Reacting against a culture that decides "let's live together and see if we are sexually compatible," courtship rightly values the emotional safety of physical intimacy inside the marriage commitment. As well it should be!

And yet, an early commitment without TIME experiencing the other person does not encourage either one to pay attention to what is going on in their hearts. It is system that says "trust God to show you the right person" so that you can avoid pain. But is this the gospel? Trusting God to tell us WHO to marry, but not taking your fears to God and being SECURE in Him when there is pain involved?

And yet, if you aren't in the habit of looking at your heart, you will be pulled towards a system that someone tells you is the "right" way, even if you have no idea what is going on inside of you.

The truth is that all relationships (especially marriage) involve risk-- carrying the possibility of both great delight and immense pain. God does not spare us from pain, but meets us in pain. A dating relationship provides an opportunity to walk with the Lord in a risky faith journey where you don't know how it's going to end up and there are no guarantees. Is God's presence with you in that journey enough?

Happy Weekend!

2011-07-16T07:00:00.001-05:00

Happy Weekend!

Jim is almost finished his class here in Fort Collins and soon we are headed to a family vacation where I will be TOTALLY OFFLINE for awhile. Doesn't that sound refreshing?? But I am setting these posts to keep posting through next week, so keep coming by!

In light of the last post on the lifelong process of joining your heart to another, here is a great quote to ponder from C.S. Lewis's The Four Loves:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

Bringing It All Together 19: Toward a Healthy Marriage-- Trust

2011-07-15T07:00:00.004-05:00

A healthy marriage fosters individuality (what we looked at yesterday) and also mutuality. Growing in togetherness cannot happen without TRUST.

The roots of trust are sown very early in our development. If your parents were attuned and responsive to your physical and emotional needs, then you are going to have an easier time trusting people--(God too!) even as an adult.

And if the opposite was true, trusting people will be a big struggle.

But it's not just about what happens when you are little, right? We have all lived a lot of life since childhood, and been hurt by the actions of others. We all develop ways of keeping ourselves safe from those we have felt hurt by. Self-protection keeps us from trusting others. And many times, for good reasons. It is good and right to establish healthy boundaries of protection from abusive and harmful situations. And yet, even with those who are not abusive and DO love us, we unknowingly act at times in self-protective ways based on patterns we do not see.

So how do you grow in deeper trust of your spouse, a fellow sinner like yourself, who does in fact hurt you at times?

Moving towards a person in trust will always be a challenge post-Fall. But the freedom to trust another becomes more possible when you see both the goodness and the depravity in yourself. If you believe that you were created with a glorious stamp of God's image, then it's easier for you to believe in another's created good (even when it doesn't seem that obvious.) And when you really see, own, and can sit with your own brokenness, then you can extend grace in another's mess as well. And the opposite is true. A person who has a hard time believing that they are a beautiful part of God's good creation will have a hard time affirming the dignity in others. And a person who is always pointing an accusing finger at other's mess has probably not experienced the grace of God in the midst of their own brokenness and sin.

A newly married student in our Adv. Marriage & Family class once asked our prof-- Well then, how long does it take?? (Read that with a tone of desperation!) He commented that after about 20 years (mind you, teaching marriage counseling is his career!) they just began to see the ways that he and his wife hid from each other. He asked another older women in the class to comment her thoughts. She agreed-- having been married 40+ years-- after 20 years, they were just starting to see their mess.

Yikes, you say. Is there hope? You mean growing a healthy marriage is going to take a whole lifetime? It would seem that is exactly how He has designed it to be.

Bringing It All Together 18: Toward a Healthy Marriage-- Differentiation

2011-07-14T07:00:00.005-05:00

Someone may think about attachment and enmeshment, and ask-- what's the difference? Good question! They may seem similar at first glance. Both models desire closeness. But enmeshment fosters an unhealthy closeness that is achieved through the squashing (hiding or suppression of the individual.)

A healthy attachment involves "differentiation," which you might call a healthy sense of individual personhood. Differentiation is about being connected in a way that you don't lose yourself in the process. Another way of talking about differentiation is to say it is about driving down the line in the human person box. (See this post.)

It is about being aware of anxiety, fear, and pain, but not letting them win. It is about learning to ask and see what is going on inside of your black box. It is a growing ability to recognize what is going on in you, and to be curious and ask questions about it. It is about slowing down the reaction time between the fearful event and your response.

An unaware conversation with myself:
"Wow, what a jerk my husband is! Doesn't he know how insensitive he's being, just walking out of the room like that without saying anything? Tonight, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"

A more aware conversation with myself:
"Wow! When Jim walked out of the room, I got super anxious! I wonder why that is. He seemed frustrated, and that really undoes me. But my anxiety seems higher than this situation warrants. This doesn't seem all about Jim. In fact, I know that he was frustrated about "x" and it has very little to do with me. So what's going on in me that I feel responsible for that? I think there's something in me that feels like when he is upset, it's hard for ME to be OK with myself. Tonight, I want to share with him how that made me feel and ask if he has any other thoughts about what was going on."

Do you see why marriage can't thrive without a growing sense of individuality? If you don't know yourself, you can't give yourself to another. And if you don't know yourself, you don't know how to pursue another person either.

Bringing It All Together 17: What Is a Good Marriage?

2011-07-13T07:00:00.002-05:00

Maybe it would have been better to put this post FIRST before all the relational mess we've been looking at the last several days, but I'm all for ending the marriage section with a great vision for what it was/is designed to be.

Just like we look to the Trinity for a pattern of how humans relate in the image of God where emotions are a key part, the Trinity gives us a clue into a good marriage. In the Trinity, there is a 'wedding' of unity and diversity. God the Father, Son, and Spirit are deeply committed to one another's glory and good (unity), and yet they are different from one other (diversity.) So it is true with a good marriage. In the unity, the individuality is never lost. Marriage is a union where the two become one, and in the oneness, the uniqueness of each is not lost.

In Genesis 2 with Adam and Eve, we hear a key phrase that epitomizes the goal of marriage:

The man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. In the Bible, this glorious union only lasts for 7 verses, as we later read after the Fall, "Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were naked, and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings..." And Adam says later to God, "I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself." Enter the black box. Enter hiding. Enter shame.

Naked and unashamed. Of course we know that this nakedness is not just physical. It is every part of us. It is all of you laid bare before another, and feeling no fear of embarrassment or rejection, but knowing beyond a doubt that every part of you will be received, nurtured, embraced.

Now everyone take a deep breath and imagine that.

Also, marriage was designed to be a bold adventure between Adam and Eve; between you and your spouse. Just think about it-- God gave them both a glorious purpose: lovingly ruling over His good creation. And He gave them a glorious partner for the task--one who was deeply committed to the other, and to the same purpose, but each was fascinatingly different from the other. And ever since that fateful day gone terribly wrong, husbands and wives labor to recover that sense of naked and unashamed in the context of bold adventure.

Jesus says He came that we might have life, and live it abundantly. What if spouses were equally committed to creating space in each other's lives, so each could discover more and more about the path God has uniquely for them? What if each said to the other, "let's go forward together, emotionally, physically, relationally, geographically, getting to know each other in the process..."

Too often our marriages are committed to something different-- "Let's be certain and safe. Let's not risk pain, or failure, or mess. And let's try to be just like each other, so we can each feel as comfortable with the other as possible."

Every marriage today is post-Fall, and every marriage relationship bears the scars of wounds that came before it. Yet, every marriage also has great potential for restoring created glory. It is not too late! Jesus is in the business of restoring brokenness, and granting hope and courage to ask hard questions and turn in new directions! Honesty is the first step.

Bringing It All Together 16: Enmeshment

2011-07-12T07:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we went to one extreme in breaking the marriage relationship--an affair. Yet there is a way to kill a marriage relationship while staying together and appearing very close.

Enmeshment is a term that refers to this phenomenon. The word literally means to be entangled, or caught as if in a mesh. This happens when couples (or families) attempt to achieve closeness at the expense of nurturing individuality. The goal of this couple is togetherness, defined by sameness and no conflict. They agree about everything, they share honest feelings about nothing. They hold the other at such a close distance that the other can be controlled and yet unknown. The neediness for the other's acceptance feels sticky. This might be a spouse who can't stand to disappoint her husband. Or a husband who can't stand to disagree with his wife. Unstated anxiety rules the family's reactions, and the unwritten rule says "peace at all costs."

Consider a simple, seemingly benign conversation between Jason and Amanda.

Jason: "Where do you want to eat tonight, honey?" (Jason is hoping she'll say Indian.)

Amanda: "Wherever YOU want to go... Didn't you want to try out that Mexican place? Or wherever is fine." (Amanda wants to try out the Mexican place but she isn't aware of that. If you asked her if that's what SHE wants, she'd deny that she prefers Mexican.)

Jason: "OK... Well, ok, wherever you want to go..." (Now that Amanda suggested Mexican... well, after all, he should give her what she wants. It's not a big deal. I had Indian last week, he thinks.)

Amanda: "Ok, I'm happy to try whatever you want; Let's do Mexican since that's what you like."

Jason: "Yeah, sure...Well, we can leave whenever you want. "(Jason is hungry and wants to go. He's hoping she'll say she's ready.)

Can you see how the "you" in these dialogues is confused? How each doesn't know how to ask for what they want, and they do so by putting it on the other? How Amanda is seeking CONTROL in a subtle way? How Jason blindly enables this by not owning his own opinion? How both of them are unaware, and/or afraid to simply state their desires? This is an enmeshed conversation.

If I hold you really close, I don't have to deal with my fears of conflict or intimacy. Differences are threatening. The deeper emotions of the heart are a source of great fear. So it would just be a lot easier if we all stuffed our feelings, we always agree, and stayed happy with each other. This person/couple/family is likely sitting on a mountain made of:

-deep unawareness (I don't know my own heart.)
-anger (unacknowledged rage over lack of being pursued and known, accepted)
-unforgiveness (if you are 'never offended' then there is nothing to forgive)
-shame (I'm not worthy to be known.)

Deep, deep waters.

2011-07-11T22:46:00.003-05:00

If any of you have followed this blog, you know that I change the background about every 2 months. It's not that I'm wishy-washy (although I may be that), but I just really like variety. But I have to say I really like this background. I think it's going to stick for awhile. And I figured out how to tweak it... I tried a bird awhile back, but it was too somber looking. It needed to be a happy looking bird. This is the right bird! And something that looked refreshing, not too loud, but playful, and summery, and free. Hope you enjoy!

Bringing It All Together 15: Marriage Ripe For an Affair

2011-07-11T07:00:00.004-05:00

Over the last two posts, we looked at both passive conflict, and aggressive conflict. Each can foster an environment ripe for an affair.

Usually when we hear of a husband cheating on his wife, or a wife cheating on her husband, we blame the "cheater" only and do not think about the context in which the affair takes place. Affairs do not happen in a day, and the patterns that breed unfaithfulness are usually cultivated over a long period of time. I am not saying there isn't genuine offense on the part of the one who had an affair. There are plenty of couples who struggle and yet decide NOT to act on their desires for another. And yet, there is always more to the story than meets the eye.

We also think that affairs happen because of sexual attraction (or a lack thereof). We may hear a spouse conclude "I married the wrong person. I'm not attracted to him anymore." When actually, the couple never bonded emotionally in the first place.

What doesn't bond, doesn't cling. It is about the emotional attachment (or lack thereof) of the couple.

When a marriage is stuck in a negative pattern of connection that lacks emotional awareness and intimacy, each spouse is ripe for another person to come along who is sympathetic and understands in a way their spouse does not. The majority of people who have affairs are surprised that the relationship turned sexual. Why are they surprised? Because it wasn't about sex, but about being emotionally connected with a person who listens to your heart.

Happy Weekend!

2011-07-09T14:24:00.003-05:00

We're headed to Denver today to see some of Jim's college buddies... all of whom and now 30-something moms and dads like us:) How did they all end up in the mountains? I keep waiting for the day that God calls us to live in the mountains!!

The posts will pick up again on Monday!

Bringing It All Together 14: Broken Attachment & Blatant Conflict

2011-07-08T07:00:00.001-05:00

How about this scenario?

Alex and Judy (from yesterday) are non-confrontational. They are brewers, not spewers. But Susan and Joe are fighters. There is a lot of anger and yelling in their house. Joe’s blasting attempt to confront Susan with his disappointment is met with angry accusation and slammed doors. “Well if you hadn’t ____, I could have done something! What do you expect when you come at me like that?!”

When someone says “I LOVE CONFLICT,” what it often means is that they rush into disagreement powerfully in order to win… in order to NOT deal with their OWN fears and failures. Anger is a mask for something else.

Are Alex and Judy any better off than Susan and Joe? As far as attachment is concerned, is confrontational anger fundamentally different than passive hiding and pretending peace? Both have deeply developed ways of hiding their deeper emotions.

And yet, we often think that conflict is bad and needs to be avoided, while “not fighting” is better. Sometimes the opposite is true. If two people are fighting, they are showing that they CARE about the relationship. They are protesting the fact that they feel disconnected, even if they have no idea that’s what’s really true. When you see that intensity, you have two people who WANT to be connected, and haven’t figured out how. They are running in circles around a pattern they don’t see, but they are intense because they want it to work. If you DON’T want a relationship to work, you don’t get intense. You get indifferent.

Bringing It All Together 13: Broken Attachment & Veiled Conflict

2011-07-07T07:00:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I wrote about adult attachment, which is a term for a God-given human desire to connect deeply with others. Today I’m suggesting that a broken attachment is a key element of what fuels relational conflict.

When there is conflict in relationships, we often think that there is a breakdown in understanding. That if both sides could really understand the intentions of the other, then there would be no problem. But if you think in terms of attachment, the problem is often not a lack of intellectual understanding between people. It’s that you are talking on two different planes.

Consider this scenario:

Judy come to her husband Alex and says, “That really hurt my feelings.” And Alex proceeds to explain to Judy why she misunderstood him…. “Well, honey, I said that because…” or “What I really meant is…” Can you see how these two are talking at two different levels? She is sharing about her heart, and he is addressing her head. Alex thinks that if Judy just understood why he said what he did, then she won’t feel hurt. Their conversation lasts two sentences and they quickly retreat into their own thoughts.

Alex walks away thinking “I’m so glad we cleared that up.”

Judy walks away thinking “He didn’t hear me at all. That’s the same thing that happened last time. And the time before…” Bitterness, hopelessness, and indifference grow slowly over time. Judy stops talking to Alex. They settle into their mundane, everyday, disconnected lives.

You see, in order for Alex and Judy to be connected, they need to deal with the HURT. The point is not what Alex did or didn’t do. Judy still feels hurt and longs for Alex to connect with her pain. But because Alex doesn’t see what’s in his black box, he doesn’t know how to emotionally connect with her. Because of Alex’s story, it scares the bejeezus out of him to think about emotional pain. It is buried WAY deep in his black box. So what does Alex do? He means well. He really does. But he only knows how to look for something to DO.

By the way, this is not a knock on Alex, or men in general. Women can be just as clueless, even if more “emotional,” and just as committed to staying as FAR the (!!bleep!!) away from their black box as men are. (So tomorrow, I’ll turn the tables.)

Bringing It All Together 12: Relational Attachment

2011-07-06T07:00:00.004-05:00

At this point in my summary series, I’m turning to what goes wrong in relationships. As a pre-cursor to this post, go back and read the following two posts, that explain childhood and adult attachment.

Childhood attachment

Adult attachment

When relationships are done right, both people experience “attachment.” Of course there are different levels of relationship, so we see this most significantly in parent-child relationships, and in the marriage relationship. Attachment is just a fancy term for what we all experience as true: We long to be deeply connected in human relationships. I wrote about this earlier as well: Because God is relational (has connected relationships within the Trinity), and we are made in His image, craving human connection is part of our God-given design. We see this with babies and their moms from the first moments after birth, and we experience this hunger until the day we die.

Another key aspect of attachment is that it is experienced EMOTIONALLY. You don’t just want to share information with your spouse or close friend—you want to feel that they heard you and value you. You don’t want your spouse to just intellectually agree that you have shared factual truths. You want to feel understood, respected, and loved. Before you remark this sounds too touchie-feelie, remember that God is an emotional being who experiences anger, pain, joy, hunger, loss, loneliness, etc… Thus, the experience of these emotions is a significant part of what it means to be HUMAN.

Attachment in marriage is about you asking your spouse, at a deep heart level, Are you there for me? Laying this emotional foundation of human interaction, tomorrow I’ll unpack what often goes wrong when there is conflict. Oh yes, come back tomorrow. I positively THRIVE on conflict!! (Where the "I'm being sarcastic now" button?)

Meet My New Niece Taylor :)

2011-07-05T11:40:00.006-05:00

Here is my new niece, Taylor, who I met for the first time this last weekend in Houston :)

Taylor and her friend Bubba

I got 2 days all by myself with her, her sister Aubrey, my brother Aaron and sister-in-law Kristen! Unfortunately there are no pics of the adults... but that's how it goes when there are cute babies:)

And here is big sister Aubrey... it's been awhile since I had a 2 year old :)
We played and played and played!

On Friday Kathryn & Ellie arrived to meet Taylor too...
Ellie with Taylor...

Taylor & Aubrey. What a sweet disposition little Taylor has... except for about 3-5am, right Kristen?

K with Taylor... K calls Taylor her "consonant cousin." Before Taylor, K was concerned that she was the only cousin whose name did not begin with a vowel... (Ellie, Aubrey, Ethan, Elise, Emma, Allison)... Who would have thought of this besides K?

All the girlie cousins...

Ellie with Aubrey

On Friday night, we had dinner at my Aunt Karen's house (my mom's sister) who hosted us all, and it became the event for the unveiling of the summer dresses. You see, K and my mom began a sewing project together (and we know who did most of the work!) to make matching dresses for the 4 of them. Aren't they cute?

Wish all the cousins could have been there! The girls had so much fun :)

Bringing It All Together 11: The Stuff Below the Line (but wait, there's more!)

2011-07-04T07:00:00.001-05:00

Black Box Special #4: ANGER

(For an explanation of the black box, see the "Human Person Box" post below.

Anger is often the presenting emotion when there is ungrieved pain. Why? Because the experience of anger often shuts off the feeling of pain.

Think for a moment about how you respond when someone is angry with you. Usually one of two ways—you fight back (counter-attack) or you run away (remove yourself, or just emotionally check out.)

Though usually unaware, another’s anger can shield from the pain or fear of a deeper conversation. If am I angry with you and you run away from me, well that’s your fault. And if I am angry with you and you lash out at me… again, your fault.

I’m not saying there isn’t a legitimate, good anger. We often hear the analogy of Jesus overturning the moneychanger’s tables. We can be righteously angry when there is injustice against the oppressed or lack of regard for the needs of others. But often, our anger points to something else. The person who you are angry with touched something inside you. There is another emotion, and often another story, attached to your anger. There’s a lot more there to investigate.

Once DZ said that anger is the beginning of the forgiveness process. Before you own why you are angry and how angry you are, you cannot begin forgiving an offense. You might confess and quote verses all the day long, but if you haven’t come to grips with your anger, your forgiveness will be shallow and likely short-lived. But again, anger is the BEGINNING of the process of forgiveness. There is a LOT MORE down there (in the black box) than just anger. Keep digging to see what’s under it and you will usually find pain or shame.

It can be a big mistake to emphasize forgiveness first when listening to someone process an offense. (And usually an emphasis on forgiveness results from a fear of anger.) Forgiveness and reconciliation IS the ultimate goal. But before a person allows themselves to name their anger, they don’t know what their losses are. Before an offense is named, there is nothing to forgive.

Not every person needs the same encouragement, however. There are people who get so good at being angry that they are stuck there. This person probably hasn’t really dug under the anger enough to see what is underneath. And there are people who feel ashamed of their anger, and need to be shown the good and righteous elements of naming wrong.

In both examples, a good counselor is sometimes an ambassador of anger. Not as an end, but unto an honest, fully owned look at pain and the impact it has had.

To Think On Over the Weekend

2011-07-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

A quote to chew on over the weekend and back on Monday with black box special #3: ANGER

"The work of restoration cannot begin until a problem is fully faced."
— Dan B. Allender

And think of the girls and I today as we head from Houston to Colorado... I'm so ready to see my hubby after 18 days!!

Bringing It All Together 10: Stuff Below the Line (still more)

2011-07-01T07:00:00.001-05:00

Here's one of my favorites...

Black Box Special #2: ANXIETY

This is a fun one, isn't it? Anxiety is a special kind of fear that doesn't know what it's afraid of. Fear is specific. You are afraid of something particular--spiders, or closed spaces, or heights. But anxiety? You are blind while it eats you up!

Acute anxiety can be adaptive. You are being chased, so you run. God made your body with lungs and running muscles that can kick into overdrive when you are threatened. But chronic anxiety... it can be a killer. Continual high levels of stress hormones can eat away at your stomach (ulcers), cause tense muscles that can never relax, cause headaches, heart palpatations, and a garden variety of other health problems! These symptoms are often God-given signals from you body-- PAY ATTENTION, PAY ATTENTION, PAY ATTENTION.

Like pain, the first step of growth for an anxious person starts with awareness. When you feel anxiety, can you say so? Or do you rush to fill all the available space with internet, computer games, numbing entertainment?

Anxiety works like a thermostat. Consider this scenario. The whole family knows the unwritten rule: Bob (dad) can't handle a messy house. When Bob walks through the door and sees the kids toys all over the floor, he breathes a heavy sigh and slams down the newspaper. No words were spoken. But everyone got the message. The thermostat has just kicked in. Bob's anxiety rises, and the family kicks into action. Mom apologizes for their mess and talks about how busy the day has been. The kids wisk the toys away. Notice the reason for the activity. Not in order to clean the mess. But so that Bob will calm down. Bob's anxiety, unnamed, is unequivocally driving all the members of this family.

All of us experience anxiety. But one way to see how you may or may not be growing in this area is to ask what you do with it. When you feel anxious does it incapacitate you? Do you run (literally or figuratively?) eat? check your email? attack? Or can you stop and say, "I feel anxious. Let me stop and think. What's going on in me? My reaction is not really equal to what happened. Why is that? Yes, I'm anxious, but I can still make a wise choice here... The anxiety may still be present, but it doesn't win.

Bring the Lord into your anxiety struggle, and he WILL answer those prayers to show you what's really going on down there in your black box.